Tuesday, July 11, 2017

The Dildo Diaries #2348

This weekend proved interesting as the child embarked upon a hiking trip. I thought everyone should get out of the house. Little did I know, it killed everyone at the end of the day. 👀😂😎 The hills kicked our butts. It really is the shits living at sea level or below.
This me before hiking. 

Anyhoozle, it was fun. The kiddo's entitlement bullshit is really causing me to do virtual smackdowns and I hope I don't act those out. Really annoying. How do you get a teenager to stop backtalking, interjecting, and being a know it all? I need a manual. Stat.

It really is getting old with the "I want this" and "I want that". She informed me that I should pick from her abundant list so she doesn't get something she doesn't want or need.

Guess what? That's the new verbage from these teens. I was like, "I didn't ask for anything and was grateful for everything."

She informed me again, that is not how it is now. I replied, "The hell it's not.

This is a time where you might not get anything." She came up with the magic response in her eyes, "Well, that's how it works with dad and he likes it."

I told her we only gave lists for Santa and sometimes our parents inquired about our dream list, but we would never have demanded anything came from it.

In the car ride, she had to proceed with giving me updates on her birthday list which included this:
Behold! The pink riding dildo: aka a long board
I glanced at it and screeched: "What? Why would you want a dildo for your birthday!!!???"

"Mom, it's not a dildo!!! I can't believe you said that. It's a long board."

"Ask Chad." He came back to the car after buying some fuel.

"Chad, this is what I want for my birthday. What do you think? It's cool, right?"

He gave me a funny look of concern.

"Well, frankly, it looks like a dildo but I think it is supposed to be a long board?"

"See, Mom. He knew it was a long board."

"He said it looked like a dildo. You will be riding a dildo."

"Mom! Not everything is a dildo."

"You are right. Not everything is a dildo, but everything is penis related."

"No it's not."
This one even moves when operated or "stroked"

"Yes, it is. Try me."

"A camera."

"Nope. Ball sack. Penis. Erected even."

"Mom. That is terrible."

"It's true."

" A truck is not."

"Yep. It is. I can show you in pictures.  Everything is phallic. "
They come in all colors!

"Mom, you are being ridiculous."

"Nope. Think about it. Really hard. It's all a man's world and we live in a bag of dicks."

"How did I get you as my mother? You are so warped!"

"You were lucky. I'm a realist. You could have gotten one of those fantasy mothers who dresses you in princess dresses and tells you to wait for Prince Charming. He is also a dick. "



"Mom, you're just kidding, right?"

"About which part? Everything looks phallic to me. Skyscrapers, guns, knives, tampons, etc."

"No. The part about living in a bag of dicks."

"Oh, no that part was real. I'm joking about Prince Charming. You will find a good one."

"I hope so."

"So what are you going to do with your riding dildo? It will probably last a week. Then you will move on to something new."


"Well, it's true. That's why I have several."

"Long boards?"

"No. Dildos."

"Mom!!! I did not need to know this. There are just some things that you don't talk about with your kids. This is one of them. "

"Well, you are probably right. Good thing we don't tell the world."

I think I got side tracked. Those damn penises.