Tuesday, May 16, 2017

The Vagina Diaries #190092987 Tampon Days

Women are neurotic beings.

There.

I'll just throw that out there.

My mind plays tricks on me.

Please forgive me, God, for I am about to sin. A lot. All in one post.

Have you ever had a meltdown and didn't know why?

Were you ever sad but never had good reasons?

Well, I had anxiety when I looked at my syllabus for a summer school course for grad school in Financial Management. The tasks kept beeping notifications into my phone.

Bing. Bing. Bing.

It was my professor posting each new assignment due Sunday. I seized up. I didn't want to do it. I didn't know where to start. My textbook hasn't arrived yet, so I just googled the chapter online hoping to find it. I did. But that didn't help my neurosis. The writing assignments were OK, but so boring.

Then there were math probems and I didn't really care about regression analysis or inflation problems. There was also a timed quiz in which required one word answers and exact matches. I flunked. Not just barely. But 6 out of 20. Bammo.

I seized up again when that automatic grader binged that on my phone. FFFFFFFF I hate the fucking number 6 right now. Especially out of 20. Did I even show up for that test? I think I might as well have partied right through it. Right now I have a 4.0 gpa and was just given an award as Outstanding Grad Student of 2016-17 for Criminal Justice/Criminology Department. Fuck me in the ass. Right there. I did it.

Sure, I can raise my grade, but who wants to throw away the rest of the maybes on the first week? Great timing. Now I have no room to budge. I have to get A's on everything else.

Did you ever date someone for a year and a half and then find out the whole time that you couldn't do anything right? They nit picked you, which dug deep, but you blew it off? Of course it ended by my choice because it was killing my heart to live like that but it took 18 months to figure it out. Plus women mourn the death of the relationship long before they leave. BTW, men, when they tell you they are unhappy...it's too late. They are over it and you still continue to do destructive things. Or that they brag about their new girlfriend, show her off to his friends, and say nice things and take her nice places out of state, but never did that with you? I think its even shittier (that is a word) that he asked my daughter to dog sit for him while he took his girlfiend on a long vacation.

Seriously.

The nerve.

It didn't happen because before I could say no, he must have gotten smart and found another avenue. The dog is sweet, but I'm not doing him any favors. My daughter raged at me when I told her in the future that would be a no way. She felt since he was going to pay her it was good for her. I know she will never understand the complexity of that situation, so I let her be mad at me. I feel he wanted to rub my nose in it and make me jealous. My daughter thinks its about me punishing him by saying no. I don't know.

To reflect back, I think I was dating two different people. (Not two people, but he was two different people-one good and one not so) One time he even told me I was right about things when I was unhappy. The first 6 months of your relationship with him were great and the rest was total shit except for some fun moments with his family and kids. Really. I am not being mean, I am being a realist. I gave every piece of me to make that relationship work because I felt I didn't do that in my marriages. I look back and he really cut me down a lot and made me feel inferior, dumb, ugly, and not good enough in everything I did, what I wore, what I said, my goals, life. It was really that bad. "Oh sorry, I can't hear you over the voices in my head screaming at me that he is so full of shit to punch him in the dick."

And yet I feel slighted now with the way he treats the new girl. Except I don't miss him. That is over and was long ago before I started dating again.  But I am mad and want to know why I wasn't good enough for those good things. Instead I should be relieved. I don't ever want to go back to that, but I reflect on what was is that I did wrong. Oh, and typical...you get tired of everyone saying it was him not you. But you miss his family and his kids.  Maybe I haven't processed it. Probably my self-esteem is so low that it makes it hard for me to even be loveable. I don't know if I am even any fun.
Yeah. You are fucking losing it. 

I didn't think I would date again and I have no idea what pushed me to do so. Maybe it was God sticking a foot in my ass after I had had enough fucked up relationships. Or lessons. That's what I call them.

Now I have a perfect boyfriend. I mean he is perfect for me and perfect to me. Every day he is more so wonderful than the last. One whom I can't imagine living without.

It really feels like that without trying to sound corny.

I don't know if he will continue to like my very flawed and fucked up self. I need to go find my true self and bring her back before he notices the switcheroo.

I am sure it is a blessing from God and I don't want to mess it up. I mess most of those blessings up.

My brother gives me 6 months to fuck this one up.

My neurosis really gets the best of me. My friend told me to fix a drink and stop thinking about all this nonsense. She told me test is over and done. Move on. She really didn't like the other guy and loves the new guy.

She's right.

I'll have a pint and say, "good riddance," and perhaps a little, "Thank you, God, for all those lessons."

I can't tell you how amazing he is (my boyfriend and you, too, God, but not my brother-well he is good too) and I feel I am not good enough. He makes me want to be a better person. Does this sound like a fucking Jesus song? I don't mean that disrespectful. I mean I sound like I am writing lyrics for church. Gah.

I love you, God.

My boyfriend does so much for me and my daughter. He works hard. He isn't negative. The relationship is so awesome that I have gained about 20 pounds and he still loves me. And I question why he would love me when I have a barnyard house, projects up the butt, crazy schedule, and a daughter with teenage problems. I can't see my own value right now-just today-and I know I should not focus on these voices in my head from my past relationships who were toxic. I do value who I am and the wonderful kid I have, but I don't feel it. This is temporary. It's one of those days when life hits you with a big fucking red brick.

I'm sure this is because I just got an F. F is for fuck.

I had to take an intermission from this post and tend to the fire. For real. While I was writing this post, I happened to burn our dinner which was a bang up dish of Hamburger Helper which I have not cooked in 20 years. He wanted it. It's toast. I mean, I tried it because it looked alright on the top. But it tastes like a monkey's ass. On fire.

"How can anyone mess up Hamburger Helper?" He asked.

Even the dog is like, "What the fuck is that?"
Smells like ass.


Because I was writing about you and my inadequacies.

I said it with my look and shrug. I didn't tell him that out loud.

Duh.

Thank you for the trophy!


Who can mess up Hamburger Helper. Me. That's who.

Oh. And Auntie Flow came today. She is such a bitch.

Yeah. I'm the one who looks both ways to cross the street and gets hit by a fucking plane.

Now I'm moving on to making spaghetti except I just slung the entire box of noodles past the cook bucket. Fuck me in the ass.

And after all this, he still kissed me before going to pick my daughter up from track. I do love him so.

In case you were wondering, this is just a post of a typical day in my life. I know what I should know and think and not believe. I know I should love myself and I do. I know I have to be fun for someone to see I'm fun. I know I am special and someone wants me.

I just need the note on my forehead to remind me sometimes. And to write down all the neurosis so it goes away.

Expel the noise! Repell the voices! Gone with you!

Thank you, internet exorcism.

I am fine. Really. My va-jay-jay has a tampon shoved up in it. Who wouldn't be fine by that?

And you know what a fucking tampon is? A cotton dick. No. Not that exactly. You know what I'm trying to say. Fuck me in the ass. No. Not that either.

I will go now.


4 comments:

  1. I think the old boyfriend will be in the shits with his new girlfriend soon enough. He is the same old book, just with a new chapter that will turn out the same as the old chapter when the newness wears off. But what worry's me is, how do you know what a monkey's ass taste like?

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  2. Coffeypot is right. What I never understood was how they talk anyone into a relationship in the first place. An asshole doesn't change. If there is a god I think it's got bigger fish to fry. Look at all the starving and diseased children in the world, for example. I think your God will chalk up your issues as much more common and normal than you think. The new boyfriend sounds like one of the good guys so not to worry. And I'm sorry, but burnt Hamburger Helper is seriously funny.

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    Replies
    1. It is not funny. LOL. My daughter asked me after Chad asked me, "How can you ruin Hamburger Helper?" :D

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