Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The mOMziLLa Chronicles

And so the saga continues on the Bugmeister defying her mother's advice. This weekend we spent time in my friend's pool.

Here is the backdrop....85+ degrees all day. Very few clouds. Slight breeze here and there.

ME: Bug, put some sunscreen on before you get outside. You have to spray it on, then leave it for 15 minutes so it is waterproof. 

BUG: NO! I AM NOT PUTTING THAT CRAP ON BECAUSE I WON'T GET A TAN.

ME: Honey, we are going to be out here all day and you will burn. 




BUG: NO. I TOLD YOU TO GET TANNING LOTION!!!! YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!!!!

ME: Honey. You are lily white and tanning lotion is something you can't use. It's your first major exposure for all day fun in the sun.

BUG: DON'T TALK TO ME!!!

ME: I don't want to hear about it when you burn and hurt all over. 

[Teenzilla ignores the Momzilla]


FRIEND: Well, you told her. 

ME: Yup. 

And so it goes that the Bugmeister burned so badly that it was 2nd, almost 3rd degree.

FRIEND: Oh my gosh. She is SO red.

ME: I know. 



BUG: IT ISN'T THAT BAD! I WILL TAN AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL!

She hurt.

She threw up all night.

She was sick for two days.

BUG: Mom, I am never not going to listen to you again. Why was I so stupid?

ME: I know, right? I rest my case. Wait until tomorrow when you get oozy nasty blisters and peel. So gross. I am sure you just sealed your fate of getting skin cancer at a later age.

BUG: Mom, why am I so dumb?

ME: I blame your dad. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

The Voices

I think I've become obsessed with running. It is my escape. This last week things going through my mind are trying to plod forward into my next plan and make sure it happens, rather than is just a plan. A plan is nothing without action.

There really is no logical explanation as to why I left a successful life and perfect home to move east to a place where I know no one to make a life with a man who didn't love me. I guess I always hoped things would change if the location where I resided wasn't so bad for him. He hated Wyoming. I thought it would be better if I moved since he was not willing to join me where I loved to live. I had the most to lose. In the end, it was just him. He was the problem.



And then there I am. Here. Unable to make ends meet and having to start all over again at 45. It was probably one of the scariest things I have done in my life. Now that I have made my bed, I have to lie in it. I have never been this poor or this alone.

Yet, I remain positive. That might be attributed to the crazy in me.



Yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends who is 80 and she told me someone wonderful will love me for who I am and she is certain I will grow old with someone who will become my best friend. I told her, "My mom thinks I should just become gay. I like men. I can't help it. I like the companionship. I could get sex anywhere or do myself if that was what it was about."

Yes, I talk like that to my 80 year old friend. She continued to counsel me as she does. She is my voice of reason. She said I am too special and too good not to grow old with someone. Added into the mix is the statement of scolding she gave me that I need to stop picking dogs. I don't even have to pay her to say that.

Well, for fuck's sake, I hope I don't have to wait until I am in a nursing home. She said, "Stop pushing God. Do your thing. Move forward. Your time will come. You just have to recognize it when it does."

I listen. I have no other choice. I respect my elders.

Dude, whomever and wherever you are: Wear a fucking sign. I am that dumb.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Storm Pussies

Storms bother me still, but I have been trying to grow accustomed to the difference in real storms in Indiana where you could virtually die versus Wyoming 5 Minute Rain Attacks. 



Take Sunday for instance. It was a beautiful 80 degree day and as the weather cooled off a little, I decided to go for my five mile run. Happy May Day! I think my Facebook status at 10:14 pm said it all:



Reasons to check your forecast before running:

1. Accuweather is not my friend. "Light rain in 5 minutes." Accuweather, it was torrential rain and lightning. I started sprinting the last 2 miles home being as I was stuck on the country road. Luckily it was still 60 degrees. You don't get a pass because of the temperature.

2. I am sure I felt hail because that was some fierce rain if not. So Accuweather, it was fat rain.

3. The lightning was every 20 seconds which is bad bad. Accuweather, you failed to say fire from the sky. 

4. My music skipped from Volbeat "A Warrior's Call" to my dad's playlist of Johnny Cash "Ring of Fire." I say skipped and it is an iPhone, so what does that tell you? Accuweather, you forgot to tell me subliminal messages were coming. 

5. Accuweather, you forgot to check in with Jesus. I think God was trying to tell me something.

Anyway, that is the fastest I have run those last two miles in my life. The first three were awesome. I almost died. Not really.



At the same time, my child was putting a status on her Facebook page: 

When thunderstorms happen-
Normal people: "grab Teddy bears and hide under blankets covering their ears"
Me: "opens all windows and curtains in my bedroom and laying on my bed like I'm about to make a snow angel and grinning like a child on Christmas"



Now, the funny thing is...30 minutes later she was hiding in our basement screaming at me to come down there because there was a tornado warning 30 miles away.  After I did not respond as a normal Momster would have and just tried to ignore the banshee wails, she called me, begging me to get in the basement so I wouldn't die. I told her my goodbyes and went to sleep. I heard her dragging all her belongings back up the stairs about 30 minutes later. 

We will not go quietly into that good night. We will scream and shout our way through it.