Thursday, March 31, 2016

Basic People

Have you ever had a day when the planets don't align? I think those days happen when teenage hormones go awry. It's like everything is whacked.

Last night Bug was unbearable. Sassy. I can't handle the sass. Now many will say I am too intolerant and strict. Well, I don't want to raise an asshole, so poop on the haters. She is a great kid and gets A's and wears a purity ring and keeps her moral ground even with the peer pressure. It's just those moments when she gets too big for her britches. I snap inside. It's like my hot button.

Those who criticize this generation seem to forget who raised it. I know. I know. It's all my fault. But still. I think my fingers are whining.

This time, I just took her phone away and went upstairs and got my jammies on and went to bed. I had to drown out the sobbing and whining with visions of sugar plums in my head and it wasn't even Christmas time. At 7 freaking thirty. I am such a loser. I mean, who does that? I didn't want to deal.

Today's a new day, right? Nope. It's raining. I don't want to deal. I thought a night of snooze would decompress me, but for some reason I woke up grumpy. I do not relish these days because I boast of being mostly positive with a lot of snark.

Don't be basic, Fargo. Get up and get out there. Make something of yourself.

So...I put my big girl panties on and headed to work. It has been a trying day there, too. Special snowflakes all day. Parade wave and a lot of NOs in the room.

Enter the "ex" *shudder*. He has been a world class dick today, but it is to be expected and I should now be used to it. It's just the cherry. My dick is bigger than your dick. Yep. I challenge all y'alls because I can honestly say that figuratively speaking.

I think I'm going to run a lot tonight at the gym.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Hell To The No

Recently, I shared TMI poop events which led to my demise of severe dehydration. I'm sure glad I'm off that gravy train. Pooping regular is like marshmallow happiness.

In the meantime of colon recovery, I have encountered some issues with teenager being a Miss Sassy Pants. She told me to "shut up."


Exactly. Oh, HELL TO THE NO!

In my day and age I would have been thrown through a sheet rock wall. Not really. Well, really. Ok. I never would talk to my parents like that. Why? Because we had wood paneling and that would have fucking hurt like a bitch.

No, I am not typing this from jail, although wouldn't that be fun?

I ....wait for it....took away.... THE PHONE.


Can you imagine what cometh next?

 I watched as my cute little Bug...this one...

turned into an Instatantrum monster because she could not take selfies or text boys. Instagram would be telegram by pigeons. There would be no Snatchchat. Faceplant was a face palm.

The world was over on March 24, 2016 at 5:30 PM.

Word to yo motha! Don't sass us, sassy bitches. We can end all to end all battles of the mouth. We were once sassy pants teenagers, too, and knew the tricks better than you. For one...never talk to your parents like that. Use sugar. It goes farther and you have them eating out of the palm of your hand. But NO! You think you rule the world. Bamp! Bamp! Wrong answer.

Thank you, Verizon, because without you, I would probably be in an orange jumpsuit.

Get this. The teenager even woke me up in the middle of the night to beg for her phone, sobbing like I would have a soft heart. Silly daughter.

Poop emoji!

Word of advice, my little ones, your parents have no hearts.

All their give a fucks were used up by the time you became a teenager and your cute little pinchable cheeks and dimples were taken over by near adult cheekbones. Once you start looking like an adult, you are not able to sucker your parents. Why? Because we know. We know.

And keep getting attached to that device, my beautiful daughter. There is a reason why it has the word "vice" in it. Heh heh. Believe's a crutch. Oh, and yes, I monitor your posts and accounts because technology is so great and besides, your mother used to be a spy. Sucks to be you.

I love you with all my heart.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

A Series of Unfortunate Circumstances

When a story starts out with a disclaimer, you know its going to be good. This contains very gruesome life issues, so if you find yourself a prude or queasy, you should stop now and just know I am alive with both functioning hands, otherwise I would not be able to write this post.

It started out as an ordinary day at work. I was mostly tied to my desk with a stack of papers. I drank probably more than a pot of coffee throughout the morning and some water, eating a breakfast sandwich.

The day's events were mundane. I did have bouts of diarrhea throughout the day but I thought it was the excessive coffee. The pipes needed to be cleaned out anyway. Did you know that you could have 6-8 lbs of slow moving waste stuck in your body before it decides to make its way to dump? Just in case you were wondering.

Then about 7PM it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not the poop. That would have been a relief.

I was surely going to die. No matter how old you are, the fetal position always makes  you feel better as does crying for your mommy. I thought about going to see the nurse at the Health Clinic, but then I saw this video (above) and decided against it. That, and it was closed. So I opted for the fetal position some more.

Stumbling around, losing my balance, I made my way up to my bedroom.  I fell onto the bed and my mind became cloudy. At least if I was going to pass out, it would be on the bed. An excruciating headache followed. Soon I was bathed in sweat, shaking like a leaf and racing to the bathroom to throw up. This continued for several hours until about 11:46 PM  ( I know because I looked at the time I was going to die)  when I tried to poop.

I fell off the toilet onto the floor in a dizzy haze not able to poop and suffering from strain. I begged to God not to let me die unable to poop and definitely not on the shitter. I longed for the previous hours of excessive diarrhea. I was going to pass out or die from a heart attack caused from an obstructed bowel, I was sure of it. Then it dawned on me.

I was severely dehydrated. These were the symptoms I had had before when I was hiking in the Big Horns when they overcame me and I had to slow our hiking down for a night. Conversations were buzzing around me to make me descend as it was uncertain if I had acute mountain sickness also. Really I was only severely dehydrated. The symptoms can be similar and a person can become obstinate.

Well, I could rule that out, Toto. I was definitely not in the mountains.

Bug brought me two bottles of water and screamed bloody murder (I warned you it was gruesome) at the sight of her mother half naked in a fetal position in pain from not being able to go to the bathroom. This was a huge teenage crisis. She has been exposed to certain unpleasantries being my child which I hope have not further damaged her beyond my genetic inheritances.

The urge to poop subsided and so did a lot of the symptoms about two hours later. Unfortunately, then I was unable to sleep but so exhausted. Insomnia was not my friend. I decided I should probably eat something to counteract all the water I just drank so I didn't get hyponatremia.

My electrolytes were way off. I believe I cried for my mommy several more times. The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second is liking what  you find. The third is pooping without difficulty.

Getting on the struggle bus, I found 3 girl scout thin mints and a Blue Moon beer. Odd. It seemed I had not made it to the grocery store. I opted for more water which was really not the best choice.

Needless to say, it is 1:00PM the next day and I still have not pooped. I had to miss work. I am still going through sweats and headaches, but my body is finding a balance.

Don't dehydrate yourself. It is the shits.

Also don't eat listeria ladened food. It could lead to death if you have a weak immune system.

Carry on, now! Drink lots of water, not disguised as other beverages...just plain water. Remember behind every strong, intelligent woman lies a broken little girl who just longs to poop.

I hope to poop soon.