Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The Momster Chronicles

After watching Everest, my brother and I have concluded that those adventurers are frickin' nuts. Not that I didn't already think that, but it just concreted the notion. If I want to lose oxygen, I will hike the 14teeners in Colorado or climb the peaks of Wyoming. Add in freezing to death and days of feeling like a guppy out of water? No thanks. You could lose a nose, ears, hands, feet...or worse...your life. There is no way you would be beauty pageant material after that. How would I even get a date?

They leave your dumb ass up there too.

I don't really think they are dumb asses. I admire those who can achieve things I would never dream or desire to do. I will watch their victories from the comforts of my home and raise my glass to them when they conquer the mountain. "Here, here, you silly people!"

It's like a train wreck. You can't look away. Crazy assed people. Krakauer's Into Thin Air was the one I read and then watched first then it caused me to read more up on the expedition.

Good book. Read it.

During both movies, your heart tugs and pulls and you yell at the screen, "turn back! turn back!" as if you could save them. They are already dead. These movies are just memorializing their journey. I already knew the story behind the movies as I tend to eat up those articles and life histories when they become public.

And yet people still go up there. It's the same thing when the white people never leave the house when the ghosts appear. Duh.

Oh, I have friends and relatives of this nature. Yep. They're crazy as shit, God love them.

I think it is more of a challenge to dig myself out of my rut bound life. That shit should win some type of big honor. I suppose if someone made a movie out of it, it would be a B rated one with poor dubbing.

The language used might Trump it out of the theaters. Cruz on down to Netflix and rent that shit. I'm like a block of rough wood who needs lots of Sanders. Of course, if you go too far, you might Rubio out all that glorious grain and send me down the Hillary with the other firewood.

I'm kind of punny today.

My daughter told me before we rented Everest, "Mom, let's pick a good movie to watch together."

"Ok. I said. How about Everest? Grandma said it was good."

"Yeah. That looks good."

After it was over she said, "Mom, you knew all those people were going to die, didn't you?"


"I can't believe you made me watch a sad movie where people froze."

"At least they didn't eat each other like Alive. Yet, another true story."

"Ew. Mom, you traumatize me."

"You can't use that word if you don't know how to spell it. Besides, maybe that will teach you to wear your coat to school."

"Mom, that really has nothing to do with anything."

"Oh, I thought it was a good lesson."

"Mom, it teaches you not to go up to Mt. Everest and that even the greatest mountaineers have sacrificed themselves. And that going up there is dangerous and bad."

"Yeah. Don't do that,either. And if you do, wear your coat and don't tell your Mom."

"Mom, they were wearing coats."

Yep. Show my kid reality TV like Everest and Alive, you get accused of traumatizing your kid and you're going to hell. Let them watch Party Down South, The Bachelor, or Honey Boo Boo and you fit right in with generational moms. Well, fuck it. This is a new kind of mother.

Momster. I think I'm pretty cute.

Monday, February 22, 2016

My Fairy Godmother Is Smoking A Bowl

My fairy godmother is out smoking a doobie somewhere. It is probably some really seriously good bud. She left me years ago and I haven't seen her for quite some time. Maybe she prefers sandy beaches. I don't know. I just know she is absent. It was amusing for the first few weeks, but now I long for her to return.

Do you ever just wake up in thoughts and look around you and feel your life is strange? Hello, this isn't my life!

Maybe you are in a place of transition or moving out of one point of your life into another. Or is age settling in and you haven't grown up yet?

I've been in a hole for three years trying to dig myself out. Believe me, it's like being in a mud cave and the damn rain keeps coming in and filling it back up. Nothing like mud pies as a kid. This is some serious sludge. Probably a little nature mud mixed with wildlife poo.

There are two options: give up or dig out. If you are spiritual like me, you pray and meditate along with the two options. I don't think I have ever totally given up on something. Well, only two marriages.

However, that is a two party problem. If the problems are just single issues or by myself problems, then I can resolve them somehow. If the first option doesn't work, I try another. Maybe that is why I was suited for cop work. Little problem solver, I was.

And I was trained in the hood for later life. I could always sell meth or Mary Jane. Those are options, right?

And there is always jail.

But that doesn't sound too pleasurable. Do you know how many people have puked or shit their pants on those beds? Ew, gross. And imagine all the bugs and diseases. I could get all that by staying in college.

So jail is out for now. And drugs make me sick...just the smell...I have never done THOSE kind of drugs. Only the legit prescription kind on a schedule. They are really no fun and usually I don't do the recommended anything, they sit on the shelf and rot, then I throw them out. I could have sold them on the black market at least. But then again, that jail option pops up.

"If you call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be." -John Heywood

First off, how could John Heywood know in the 1500's how my life was going to suck balls sometimes? Second, I lost a lot of wind trying to say that long sentence.  I am not a Debbie Downer, but "Shut the fuck up, John."

Not really. He's already dead and quiet.

Troubles give you strength, yada, yada, yada. I am strong! Move on to the next person, will ya!?!

Just once, I would like my fairy godmother to show up and give me the right push, a fresh start. It makes no never mind to me if she is plump and old or young and beautiful. Just to have one would be awesome! The standard issued one disappeared when I was about 15. I think she stepped out for a smoke out back. Perhaps to another country, in fact. Nah, she is on an international high or testing marijuana globally. I am sure of this.

Just once she could flit back my way or show up unannounced to save the day.

Or why can't buckets of sunshine could fall from the skies and grow some greenback trees out back? You know what is crazy? Me. Ok. Besides me. Most of my troubles are financial.  Money troubles irritates the shit out of me because it is menial but runs everything.  This is the first time I have had career blocks due to financial needs and medical issues piling up the financial troubles. If I could get a second job or part time work or overtime, I would be all over that. I used to have that luxury as a cop. Plus I wasn't living on $18,400 a year (that includes my raise). Ack! Yes, I revealed it. To clarify, that is not my wages. That is what is left over after taxes and benefits in this here taxable land. I lived in the land of no income tax and now whammo! I'm not really stressed about the wages, just the fact that it takes eons of time to make a savings account and then bam! an event happens and knocks it out to nothing.

I get the clue, God. I was wasting so much money in Wyoming. It was shameful. I get it now.

You can up the ante.

I guess I have to say I do pretty good for that, but I am ready to move on. I was recently accepted to grad school. I start next fall. In the meantime, I am keep on keeping on.

The best I have now is to have a garage sale. Dear month of May, you can't come fast enough!

I have many blessings in my life. Most are in the form of people.

Put your big girl panties on, Fargo. It's going to be a rough ride.

Monday, February 1, 2016

When Your Attitude Has Flatlined

Do you ever have days where you just feel blah-zay? There may not be a reason nor any tragic event, yet the motivation factor has left my body. Not finding any rhyme or reason kind of bothers me. If my brain were hooked up to an EKG machine, it would be a straight line. Probably. I don't think they work on the brains, but anyway, it would look like that. Hopefully, it is not the beginning of a hormonal episode due to my body being knocked off kilter from a surgery. I do know it has not affected my sex drive which has been on overdrive for a few years causing my budget to be affected by excessive purchases of batteries. 

Shhh, no one cares.

This I know. 

To spark some funny in our bones, I should share with you the latest development in my vagina diaries. I had surgery on January 5 regarding my asshole uterus which got invaded by cysts and fibroids and some unknown mass. So far, the bills streaming in have reached $31,000. I really do have the golden pussy. 

Anyhow, Saturday I received this lovely form which is mandatory by my insurance which says I recently had medical services which may be related to an accident or injury. Really? 

Lovely Anthem Questionnaire: mandatory for insured people suffering from vagina trauma

Dear Anthem,

I did not fall on my vagina. I also cannot recall any "trauma" it may have suffered except for lack of regular sex with a real person. I also did not injure my vagina or uterus by any means nor did I engage in some super crazy rough sex which would have caused it to fall out. I wish I had, because, wouldn't that be fun? 

Sometimes when you are old, your uterus decides to be an asshole. Many women across the world have issues later in life, some even earlier. If you were a real medical insurance provider, you would know this is common. 

In fact, my vagina is just fine and injury free. (Picture enclosed).  You may also obtain a picture of my uterus (view from the inside) from my doctor as they did use a hoohah scope and perform a biopsy while I was knocked out. Unfortunately, I was not provided one. 

Do you need the melon baller scrapings from my uterus or will the doctor's report on the findings suffice? I'm pretty sure that was discarded by the hospital. Hopefully, they did not use them in some freak medical study or art project. You never know these days. However, I did draw you to the best of my abilities what my uterus looked like prior to surgery.  See below:

It did take about 3 weeks for the distention to go down and the flush to happen. Once that occurred, I felt better and was able to function as a normal barren woman. The spot bleeding was really annoying and there was no way I could wear winter white. 

Anyway, I hope this helps. If you have any questions or concerns, please contact me. 

Whew. I feel better.