Tuesday, May 10, 2016

The Voices

I think I've become obsessed with running. It is my escape. This last week things going through my mind are trying to plod forward into my next plan and make sure it happens, rather than is just a plan. A plan is nothing without action.

There really is no logical explanation as to why I left a successful life and perfect home to move east to a place where I know no one to make a life with a man who didn't love me. I guess I always hoped things would change if the location where I resided wasn't so bad for him. He hated Wyoming. I thought it would be better if I moved since he was not willing to join me where I loved to live. I had the most to lose. In the end, it was just him. He was the problem.



And then there I am. Here. Unable to make ends meet and having to start all over again at 45. It was probably one of the scariest things I have done in my life. Now that I have made my bed, I have to lie in it. I have never been this poor or this alone.

Yet, I remain positive. That might be attributed to the crazy in me.



Yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends who is 80 and she told me someone wonderful will love me for who I am and she is certain I will grow old with someone who will become my best friend. I told her, "My mom thinks I should just become gay. I like men. I can't help it. I like the companionship. I could get sex anywhere or do myself if that was what it was about."

Yes, I talk like that to my 80 year old friend. She continued to counsel me as she does. She is my voice of reason. She said I am too special and too good not to grow old with someone. Added into the mix is the statement of scolding she gave me that I need to stop picking dogs. I don't even have to pay her to say that.

Well, for fuck's sake, I hope I don't have to wait until I am in a nursing home. She said, "Stop pushing God. Do your thing. Move forward. Your time will come. You just have to recognize it when it does."

I listen. I have no other choice. I respect my elders.

Dude, whomever and wherever you are: Wear a fucking sign. I am that dumb.

6 comments:

  1. Start living YOUR life and stop worrying and looking. When your "Paul" enters your life, you will know the moment you two touch. Trust me on this one...

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    1. Well, I am not looking. I hide in my house. I'm pretty much a recluse. LOL

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  2. The problem I see is your location. All you have to choose from are cops, dogs or married men. The pickings are slim, or it seems to be from where I sit. From my expericec, all the good ladies I met just happened. I wasn't looking for them. Stop worrying, live your life. The good stuff will come when you least expect it. And when it does come, don't go off the deep end or be ushered into a quick decision.

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    1. LOL. Possibly true. The economy is so bad here, I mostly hope someone who dates me has a job.

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  3. I also have a tendency to miss the obvious, but never in quite as dramatic a fashion as you. I used to run, too. I quit smoking, started running and lost ten pounds. I was awesome, but that was long ago. Ultimately I wore out my knees and have had them both replaced in the last few years. AND I did give up a dog to move in with the woman I loved, after a while we moved away together, three months later she didn't love me anymore. Lesson #1, never give up your dog for love. That was 40 years ago and I still adhere to that.

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  4. Jono, I am sorry someone broke your heart. Especially giving up pets is on my list of NEVER DOs again also.

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