Friday, April 8, 2016

The Vagina Diaries Entry #8579

Four score and 7 years ago was my last post. I am so ashamed. To add to that bad news, this post has no plot. It's more of a circle jerk. Fair warning!

My humor is a little off the mark in case you haven't noticed.


I realize some will not get this one.
I'm not really that violent. But I might bore you to death.

Really my life contains no excitement as of late. Drama remains to be sporadic in the Bug's life and we do have those episodes. Sometimes I just hide the hair brush and wait for the screams. It is so much fun!

Occasionally, I will get a funny dog incident, poop or vagina mystery, or a school mean girl teenager crisis, but mostly it is milquetoast. The dog incidents lately have been of Oliver being chased around the house with underwear in tow. He really has gotten us both down to commando. And let me tell you, nice underwear is not cheap. Even crappy underwear is expensive. Maybe I should go to the Salvation Army and throw out some decoy pair. Ew. I mean, who would recycle their underwear? Who does that? And who buys it? And certainly I don't want to kiss someone else's vagina. I mean, for that matter I really don't want to kiss mine either. Damn you, Oliver!



But he's so cute.
Maybe I just need to wrap him up and confine his paws so he can't run around and cause trouble...
This?
You know when puppies poop on the floor, I was taught to rub their nose in it and put them outside. Well, I don't think rubbing his nose in dirty underwear is the ticket. First, I don't do the nose in the poop thingy because I kiss that nose. I know it is up his own butt and around his balls a lot, but still. 

Never mind. Dog issues. Sigh. 

Hark! Intermission! I must back up the bus and get busy with some positive thoughts expressed to you in a meme...I found this to be quite near perfect...


Carry on!

My road to fitness hit a snag yesterday. I went up instead of down on the scale and I am so miffed. Plus, I had cramps in the middle of the night and I knew I was dehydrated. I DO NOT want to go through those fiascoes again.



So this morning, I am pumping up with two cups of coffee and a lot of lemon water. I am hoping the lemons and coffee (not in the same glass) will result in free flowing poo today. Well, not diarrhea, but good poop. Is poop good? Oh yeah. You don't realize it until you hit your 40's. That is the time when those incidents are necessary and good to be regular. So I suggest to everyone to do it right while you are young so it doesn't get stuck up in the pipes.

I never thought I would be talking about poop in the Internet to literally millions and billions of people. Hopefully, only two are listening. Additionally, it would be nice if those two folks don't tell their friends about it. Chalk that up to lessons learned. Furthermore, to even think I would be talking about female vagina incidents. *shudder* If my mom ever finds this blog I am in so much trouble.

Perhaps my life will get more interesting as time goes on. Hopefully not in the biological sense, but socially and fairy dust will come down from the heavens. Wine. Wine is good.

You talking to me?


The only thing different which happened to share is a pretty boring vehicle story. I know I need to get my Master's and get a job where I can afford a newer vehicle. Until then, I will nickel and dime myself to work. It's all good. I have also really valued the notion of things that are paid for and not borrowed against. Whew. Took me 3 decades.

To anticipate that I am going to have to save big dollars for new tires, I called around...

"Hi. Could you give me an estimate on some tires? I am just shopping around to see how much I'm going to have to fork out. I will probably be ready for some new ones before fall. Also do you have any sales coming up?"

"Sure, ma'am. I can go over all that. Can you give me the size? We can look at different options."

"First, before I get that up close and personal, I must preface this with I want fair prices on some tires that aren't going to kick me in the vagina. Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean I should get higher prices."

*crickets*

"I mean that because we girls don't jack them up on the corner based upon a dude's car. Fair price is the same right?"

I got hung up on.

Maybe I should try a different approach. I was kind of feeling snarky.





7 comments:

  1. Try this. http://www.tirerack.com/content/tirerack/desktop/en/homepage.html I have used them several times, they ship right to your house and you can shop around for a place that will mount and balance them the cheapest.

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  2. Very cool. I will have to look into that idea for sure! Thank you!

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  3. Very cool. I will have to look into that idea for sure! Thank you!

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  4. I hope you and your vagina get through all this stuff. I finally have enough money put away for tires for the pickup. It took 6 months and they are just regular stock tires. How do people afford fancy ones?

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    1. Jono, I hope so, too. One thing is for sure, we will stick together through all of this. LOL. Good for you on saving for tires! I have a ways to go. I am probably looking at the same amount of time as you as well. I believe people who have fancy tires sell drugs. Just a guess.

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  5. Take it from me, you will miss all that drama and screaming one day. Enjoy being miserable now with someone. It won't be long before you are miserable alone. And as for rubbing a dog's nose in poop, it works. I had a puppy that would poop in the floor. I'd rub his nose in it and throw him out the window. Now, as an adult, he poops in the floor, turns and rubs his nose in it and jumps out the window.

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    1. Coffey, I know you are right, but for now, I will be in denial about that. Screaming=bad. LOL. Your poop story cracked me up.

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