Friday, March 25, 2016

Hell To The No

Recently, I shared TMI poop events which led to my demise of severe dehydration. I'm sure glad I'm off that gravy train. Pooping regular is like marshmallow happiness.

In the meantime of colon recovery, I have encountered some issues with teenager being a Miss Sassy Pants. She told me to "shut up."


Exactly. Oh, HELL TO THE NO!

In my day and age I would have been thrown through a sheet rock wall. Not really. Well, really. Ok. I never would talk to my parents like that. Why? Because we had wood paneling and that would have fucking hurt like a bitch.

No, I am not typing this from jail, although wouldn't that be fun?

I ....wait for it....took away.... THE PHONE.


Can you imagine what cometh next?

 I watched as my cute little Bug...this one...

turned into an Instatantrum monster because she could not take selfies or text boys. Instagram would be telegram by pigeons. There would be no Snatchchat. Faceplant was a face palm.

The world was over on March 24, 2016 at 5:30 PM.

Word to yo motha! Don't sass us, sassy bitches. We can end all to end all battles of the mouth. We were once sassy pants teenagers, too, and knew the tricks better than you. For one...never talk to your parents like that. Use sugar. It goes farther and you have them eating out of the palm of your hand. But NO! You think you rule the world. Bamp! Bamp! Wrong answer.

Thank you, Verizon, because without you, I would probably be in an orange jumpsuit.

Get this. The teenager even woke me up in the middle of the night to beg for her phone, sobbing like I would have a soft heart. Silly daughter.

Poop emoji!

Word of advice, my little ones, your parents have no hearts.

All their give a fucks were used up by the time you became a teenager and your cute little pinchable cheeks and dimples were taken over by near adult cheekbones. Once you start looking like an adult, you are not able to sucker your parents. Why? Because we know. We know.

And keep getting attached to that device, my beautiful daughter. There is a reason why it has the word "vice" in it. Heh heh. Believe's a crutch. Oh, and yes, I monitor your posts and accounts because technology is so great and besides, your mother used to be a spy. Sucks to be you.

I love you with all my heart.


  1. You are too sweet. If my daughter has told me to shut up, I would have taken her phone and bashed it into a million pieces - with her head.

  2. Keep up the good parenting. If she thinks taking away the phone is tough, remind her that driving is a PRIVILEGE not granted to every teenager and if she continues to be sassy and doesn't straighten up, she'll be walking for a loooooooooooooooooooooong time until she learns respect for her elders - or turns 21, moves out, gets a job and buys her own wheels.

  3. Noooo! Not THE PHONE! I would never have tempted fate like your sweet child did when I was a kid. I may not have survived intact. While I don't have any biological replacements I have seen how attached they are to their phones. It is like an older kid's version of giving up a Teddy bear or thumb-sucking. You are a harsh, but wise parent. Glad your innards are working better.

  4. MOmma Fargo:
    If there were ever a time when I would need someone ELSE in a foxhole fighting my heart out against a common enemy, I could only HOPE it would be YOU.

    I cannot imagine how MY parents would take to today's teens...or whether I, at that age, would be able to sit DOWN to eat dinner.

    Good for you.
    Stand YOUR ground,

    Roll safe down there, Kiddo.