Tuesday, March 8, 2016

A Series of Unfortunate Circumstances

When a story starts out with a disclaimer, you know its going to be good. This contains very gruesome life issues, so if you find yourself a prude or queasy, you should stop now and just know I am alive with both functioning hands, otherwise I would not be able to write this post.

It started out as an ordinary day at work. I was mostly tied to my desk with a stack of papers. I drank probably more than a pot of coffee throughout the morning and some water, eating a breakfast sandwich.

The day's events were mundane. I did have bouts of diarrhea throughout the day but I thought it was the excessive coffee. The pipes needed to be cleaned out anyway. Did you know that you could have 6-8 lbs of slow moving waste stuck in your body before it decides to make its way to dump? Just in case you were wondering.

Then about 7PM it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not the poop. That would have been a relief.

I was surely going to die. No matter how old you are, the fetal position always makes  you feel better as does crying for your mommy. I thought about going to see the nurse at the Health Clinic, but then I saw this video (above) and decided against it. That, and it was closed. So I opted for the fetal position some more.

Stumbling around, losing my balance, I made my way up to my bedroom.  I fell onto the bed and my mind became cloudy. At least if I was going to pass out, it would be on the bed. An excruciating headache followed. Soon I was bathed in sweat, shaking like a leaf and racing to the bathroom to throw up. This continued for several hours until about 11:46 PM  ( I know because I looked at the time I was going to die)  when I tried to poop.

I fell off the toilet onto the floor in a dizzy haze not able to poop and suffering from strain. I begged to God not to let me die unable to poop and definitely not on the shitter. I longed for the previous hours of excessive diarrhea. I was going to pass out or die from a heart attack caused from an obstructed bowel, I was sure of it. Then it dawned on me.

I was severely dehydrated. These were the symptoms I had had before when I was hiking in the Big Horns when they overcame me and I had to slow our hiking down for a night. Conversations were buzzing around me to make me descend as it was uncertain if I had acute mountain sickness also. Really I was only severely dehydrated. The symptoms can be similar and a person can become obstinate.

Well, I could rule that out, Toto. I was definitely not in the mountains.

Bug brought me two bottles of water and screamed bloody murder (I warned you it was gruesome) at the sight of her mother half naked in a fetal position in pain from not being able to go to the bathroom. This was a huge teenage crisis. She has been exposed to certain unpleasantries being my child which I hope have not further damaged her beyond my genetic inheritances.

The urge to poop subsided and so did a lot of the symptoms about two hours later. Unfortunately, then I was unable to sleep but so exhausted. Insomnia was not my friend. I decided I should probably eat something to counteract all the water I just drank so I didn't get hyponatremia.

My electrolytes were way off. I believe I cried for my mommy several more times. The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second is liking what  you find. The third is pooping without difficulty.

Getting on the struggle bus, I found 3 girl scout thin mints and a Blue Moon beer. Odd. It seemed I had not made it to the grocery store. I opted for more water which was really not the best choice.

Needless to say, it is 1:00PM the next day and I still have not pooped. I had to miss work. I am still going through sweats and headaches, but my body is finding a balance.

Don't dehydrate yourself. It is the shits.

Also don't eat listeria ladened food. It could lead to death if you have a weak immune system.

Carry on, now! Drink lots of water, not disguised as other beverages...just plain water. Remember behind every strong, intelligent woman lies a broken little girl who just longs to poop.

I hope to poop soon.


  1. Do like the constipated crossword worker, work it out with a pencil.

  2. Got severely dehydrated from diarrhea, passed out and injured my head on the way down. Ended up in the ER for about 6 hours. I was embarrassed and always keep water nearby now.