Sunday, January 17, 2016

Coffee Tables

Even though my daughter has Generational Hormonal Outbursts, she is a really good kid. There is no concrete medical treatment for this problem. Believe me,  I have researched it thoroughly until the cows come home. I think I'm starting to see the forest through the trees. These teenager years have been a struggle.

There are those who mock my parenting and say I am too strict and expect too much. That stuff lingers on my mind because as a parent you worry about having the right balance. I don't want to put too much pressure on my child, but I don't want her to be an asshole either. I know I am mean and probably rule with too much sarcasm around here, but it is what it is. These are the stages starting at 12 years of age that I have experienced with Bug...bless her heart. Can anyone else relate?

Stage 1: UFOs Are For Real.
          Phase 1: Communication efforts to the mother ship are futile.
          Phase 2: Aliens are complicated creatures.
          Phase 3: Where do they store the human kids when they make the exchange?
          Phase 4: Parents are stupid
          Phase 5: I HATE EVERYTHING!
          Phase 6: Teen-Parent Texting Protocol
          Phase 7: Cell phones are the devil.

Stage 2: Sensitivity Training
          Phase 1: Parents learn how to tip toe as a way of life.
          Phase 2: Everything sets "them" off.
          Phase 3: MMA moves are visionary.
          Phase 4: Parents enter "The Fuck It" mode.
          Phase 5: NO!
          Phase 6: Google Parenting
Stage 3: Identification of Humanoid Factors
          Phase 1: Teen Hygiene-takes hours and includes selfies on Instagram.
          Phase 2: Light Signals (the new smoke signals)fail in an effort to reach the mother ship.
          Phase 3: eBay listing of alien teenager. No bids.
          Phase 4: Excessive Google search history for "How To Understand Teenagers".
          Phase 5: Interruptus Buttkus

Stage 4: Sybil meets Predator and Dracula
          Phase 1: Saging of Home
          Phase 2: House Blessings
          Phase 3: Space and Time Cleansing
          Phase 4: Garlic and cross necklaces for survival

Stage 5: The Month of March
          Phase 1: In like a lion, out like a lamb
          Phase 2: The mother ship returns
          Phase 3: Signs of human behavior
          Phase 4: Young adulting
          Phase 5: Individualityschmality

My battles have been many. Perhaps I didn't always pick the right ones to fight. To be a perfect parent is impossible, but I guess I am learning I can be full of love and support to help my child grow into her best potential. If she has suffered any emotional scarring from divorce or errors in parenting, then I hope she has made herself strong to overcome my mistakes.

We give our kids roots. It is important to make them strong. Weak roots have a tough time adapting to the environment and may not survive strong storms. But then they become a coffee table.

Ok. So maybe that wasn't a very good story.


  1. You are doing gret. Being an asshole with a teen, especially one of the female persuasion, is totally acceptable. She will love and respect you for in later on. Just back it up with some love and ice-cream.

  2. Momma Fargo:
    Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to choose to have a PET rather than teenager (even though I remember being once a LONG time ago)...ha!
    Very good advice from a woman who "knows her sh*t" (as well as her daughter's).
    Well said.

    Roll safe & stay warm down there.

  3. Raising boys through their teen years is as much fun too... eventually the invading aliens abandon the teens, their parents' brains return to their heads and we no longer have to spread jelly all over the kitchen floor to combat them. Don't worry about being too strict; they survive it and become responsible adults because of RULES, which they hate but need. Teenagers are a stage which makes their grandparents, who raised you, laugh their heads off because now YOU are dealing with what they went through when you were a teen!

  4. Ahhh...I like Louis C.K.'s frank description of parenting. It's the best, most beautiful thing you'll ever do and at the same time you regret every decision you ever made that led up to the child's creation.