Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The mOMziLLa Chronicles

And so the saga continues on the Bugmeister defying her mother's advice. This weekend we spent time in my friend's pool.

Here is the backdrop....85+ degrees all day. Very few clouds. Slight breeze here and there.

ME: Bug, put some sunscreen on before you get outside. You have to spray it on, then leave it for 15 minutes so it is waterproof. 

BUG: NO! I AM NOT PUTTING THAT CRAP ON BECAUSE I WON'T GET A TAN.

ME: Honey, we are going to be out here all day and you will burn. 




BUG: NO. I TOLD YOU TO GET TANNING LOTION!!!! YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!!!!

ME: Honey. You are lily white and tanning lotion is something you can't use. It's your first major exposure for all day fun in the sun.

BUG: DON'T TALK TO ME!!!

ME: I don't want to hear about it when you burn and hurt all over. 

[Teenzilla ignores the Momzilla]


FRIEND: Well, you told her. 

ME: Yup. 

And so it goes that the Bugmeister burned so badly that it was 2nd, almost 3rd degree.

FRIEND: Oh my gosh. She is SO red.

ME: I know. 



BUG: IT ISN'T THAT BAD! I WILL TAN AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL!

She hurt.

She threw up all night.

She was sick for two days.

BUG: Mom, I am never not going to listen to you again. Why was I so stupid?

ME: I know, right? I rest my case. Wait until tomorrow when you get oozy nasty blisters and peel. So gross. I am sure you just sealed your fate of getting skin cancer at a later age.

BUG: Mom, why am I so dumb?

ME: I blame your dad. 

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The Momster Chronicles

After watching Everest, my brother and I have concluded that those adventurers are frickin' nuts. Not that I didn't already think that, but it just concreted the notion. If I want to lose oxygen, I will hike the 14teeners in Colorado or climb the peaks of Wyoming. Add in freezing to death and days of feeling like a guppy out of water? No thanks. You could lose a nose, ears, hands, feet...or worse...your life. There is no way you would be beauty pageant material after that. How would I even get a date?

They leave your dumb ass up there too.

I don't really think they are dumb asses. I admire those who can achieve things I would never dream or desire to do. I will watch their victories from the comforts of my home and raise my glass to them when they conquer the mountain. "Here, here, you silly people!"



It's like a train wreck. You can't look away. Crazy assed people. Krakauer's Into Thin Air was the one I read and then watched first then it caused me to read more up on the expedition.

Good book. Read it.

During both movies, your heart tugs and pulls and you yell at the screen, "turn back! turn back!" as if you could save them. They are already dead. These movies are just memorializing their journey. I already knew the story behind the movies as I tend to eat up those articles and life histories when they become public.

And yet people still go up there. It's the same thing when the white people never leave the house when the ghosts appear. Duh.



Oh, I have friends and relatives of this nature. Yep. They're crazy as shit, God love them.

I think it is more of a challenge to dig myself out of my rut bound life. That shit should win some type of big honor. I suppose if someone made a movie out of it, it would be a B rated one with poor dubbing.

The language used might Trump it out of the theaters. Cruz on down to Netflix and rent that shit. I'm like a block of rough wood who needs lots of Sanders. Of course, if you go too far, you might Rubio out all that glorious grain and send me down the Hillary with the other firewood.

I'm kind of punny today.

My daughter told me before we rented Everest, "Mom, let's pick a good movie to watch together."

"Ok. I said. How about Everest? Grandma said it was good."

"Yeah. That looks good."

After it was over she said, "Mom, you knew all those people were going to die, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"I can't believe you made me watch a sad movie where people froze."

"At least they didn't eat each other like Alive. Yet, another true story."

"Ew. Mom, you traumatize me."

"You can't use that word if you don't know how to spell it. Besides, maybe that will teach you to wear your coat to school."

"Mom, that really has nothing to do with anything."

"Oh, I thought it was a good lesson."

"Mom, it teaches you not to go up to Mt. Everest and that even the greatest mountaineers have sacrificed themselves. And that going up there is dangerous and bad."

"Yeah. Don't do that,either. And if you do, wear your coat and don't tell your Mom."

"Mom, they were wearing coats."

Yep. Show my kid reality TV like Everest and Alive, you get accused of traumatizing your kid and you're going to hell. Let them watch Party Down South, The Bachelor, or Honey Boo Boo and you fit right in with generational moms. Well, fuck it. This is a new kind of mother.

Momster. I think I'm pretty cute.