Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The First High School Boy

Bug asked if she could go to a friend night which was chaperoned by another mother. I thought it was just a teenager girl movie thingy but I was fooled. I should have known better. There were boys. Boys hidden from The Momster because she causes embarrassment. I was to pick her up at the movies after the show was finished and take her home. I greeted her with a smile late last night...

ME: How was the movie?

BUG: Ok. I already saw Star Wars. We had to see it again because the other movie was full.

ME: Oh. Did everyone else see it twice too?

BUG: No, I was the only one.

ME: Oh. Was it great the second time?

BUG: Not really. I already saw it. 

ME: I would like to see it more than once.

*awkward silence for a few miles*

BUG: Mom. Can I tell you something?

ME: Sure (bracing myself)

BUG: There is this boy Taft who plays basketball and football and he sat next to me and we know each other from school and I wanted him to hold my hand and I moved it into position and he would bump me and poke me and I thought he was going to grab my hand but he didn't. Is it weird to be disappointed?


ME: Uh. Let's start at the beginning. Why didn't you tell your mother about boys at the movie.

BUG: Because I knew how you would react.

ME: How so?

BUG: You always want to meet them and tell them you have ninja skills and the shotgun works better after 10 pm.

ME: Actually, it is the shells go faster after 10 PM. 

BUG: See! You embarrass me.

ME: That's my job. So how did this go down?

BUG: We all started texting.

ME: Sexting?

BUG: I AM NOT A WHORE!

ME: Wow.  I did not suggest that. Just my job to interrogate the child. Using a little detective slip magic.

BUG: Stop it. 

ME: Well, I just want you to make good choices. So, when boys poke you and hit you, they like you. Stupid high school stuff.

BUG: Yeah.

ME: Well, he has a uh nice name. Taft. Rhymes with Craft. 

BUG: MOM!

ME: What?

*blalink blalink*

ME: What's that noise!?!

BUG: I got a text! He asked me if I liked the show. (holds phone to heart)

ME: Did you tell him who your mother is?

BUG: Stop it, Mom. 

ME: Let me Facetime him. After seeing Creed, I have new shadow boxing moves. Let me show him. (shows air moves while driving with no hands)

BUG: YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!


Monday, December 28, 2015

A Real Post

It's been awhile since I have written a real post. It's easy to assume no earth shattering records have been made except in the factory making more sustainable farts which seem to send my teenager in an uproar. If you assumed that, you are correct.

After the holiday festivities and countless bad goodies devoured at my work place, I am now back on the no sugar, organic/fresh food kick my doctor placed me on. I did maketh myself sick. It was all worth it.
This is how I take selfies.


My life has suffered endless financial back steps and some little strides forward. It's a work in progress. We need not go into further detail. I did have to get brakes on the car and at least I didn't ruin the rotors this time. However, now I must save for struts and shocks. I wish it were studs and cocks. Seriously? Killing it. I can't even. (I learned how to talk TEENAGER over the holiday break.)

Balance in my checking account


The dogs had diarrhea butt explosions of proportionate quantities due to a small piece of pork chop. I know. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Merry Christmas to me. Lesson learned. At least I made sure all three of them were on the same page along with the boss's dog we were babysitting for over the break. Yeah. I could have gotten myself fired. He was just relieved it wasn't a virus after I explained the problem this morning at work. His dog poo pooed big piles all over his house too. You're welcome. So we exchanged carpet scrubbing stories. The smell still lingers up my nose. I don't even want to go home tonight because I am certain I will have to scrub again. I have zapped it with pet odor-eating bacteria-living organisms-heavy duty sanitizer-smells like nuclear warfare-stuff they say eats poop. Whew. It's bringing back visual smells just writing this.

Violated Dog courtesy of Pinterest
My dogs' poops were not cupcakes. 
This picture offends me. I don't know why I used it here. 
I just pray no one really shoved a cupcake up its ass and only photoshopped this. I'm going to go with that because thoughts of other theories really saddens me. Maybe it was really pooping and the owner covered it up with a photoshopped cupcake.  I have no idea. Disturbing anyone would even put this on Pinterest and even more disturbing that someone would use it in their blog. 


Bug has been blessed with many nice Christmas gifts and luckily I have never given her a shower of expensive fit- for- a -princess  presents. She gets presence. Of Jesus, that is. Well, that is the number one priority of Christmas in our house anyway. I do give her some nice gifts. She has received many nice things but I have never overindulged and I don't think that is good for kids. I have seen many of my friends spend hundreds even thousands on their kiddos. Then they expect it. Then they give their parents a high dollar list and expect that. Then we have lost Jesus in the mix somewhere and it is all about keeping up with the Jones's. Ridiculous. I don't know why I get irritated with spoilage. It's not a wanton thing nor a jealousy thing. It's a cop thing. Like "I'm going to have to deal with your spoiled children who don't mind, have no respect, and think they are entitled" thing. However, I'm not a cop anymore, so I just have to listen to their crap at movie theaters and Walmart. It all starts with spoilage and lack of structure. Heavens to Mergatroid! I sound like my grandmother. Scary. We might be related. Here I thought we were milk carton kids. You know? The ones who were missing and put on cartons. I know. I am dating myself. We would always look and say it was a good day if we didn't see our faces on there. Actually, I would tell my brother we had to quickly hide all the milk cartons so he wouldn't find his real parents. I was so mean.

Back to the "spoiled rod theory." Yeah. I jacked that up. But I'm not changing it because then I would have to go back and Google the exact correct saying that goes something like "spoil the child spare the rod." So anyway, I spoil mine too, but I'd like to think more so with love and punishment rather than "things." It goes hand in hand. It's amazing what a teenager will do when you take their cell phone away. Shazam!

And believe me...she is not and has not been deprived by any means. She even made mention to me this year that her Facebook was plastered with friends showing off piles of presents under the tree that were past halfway up and out on the floor and bragging about all their expensive things. She told me it was disappointing and she rattled off what was important to her: Christ and family. It made me very proud.

I'm not above someone adorning my presents with this bow, however...

I was surprised by some very nice gifts sent to me and forever grateful. That's what I want Bug to know...gratitude.

And so this year is starting out with no New Year's resolutions. Why? Why disappoint myself if I don't do exactly as I resolve to do. Instead, I will just make goals. Oh, wait. Are they the same?

I had to Google the meaning of New Year's resolutions. I shit you not. This is what came up:

New Year's resolution is a tradition, most common in the Western Hemisphere but also found in the Eastern Hemisphere, in which a person makes a promise to do an act of self-improvement or something slightly nice, such as opening doors for people beginning from New Year's Day.

I think I almost peed myself. 


I am going to go burn off some fat and make a valiant attempt to save some greens in the bank. That's all I have for my goals. I try to dream high and aim low. That way I don't disappoint myself when I miss the mark or come up short. If I don't put numbers on things, I'm a superstar. 

The struggle is real.

Have a Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Merry Christmas!

May the magic and joy of Christmas peace embrace you and yours....