Friday, October 23, 2015

The Funny American

I just really want to poop while I am in Greece. I believe my stoppage is due to all the cheese I have consumed while here which would be a load for Zeus to drag. But you can't NOT eat cheese in Greece. In fact, you have to eat and eat a lot of fresh food. It's the Greek way. I ate so much I almost thought I had grown a little baby, but no, it is just cheese belly. OK, that is not entirely true. Add in seafood, salads, emek, baklava, gelato, sesame, pistachio, lamb, beef, chicken, bulgar, vegetables, wine leaves, buckets of wine, and more cheese. I can't decide if I am a Viking king or the Queen of England. I am having an identity crisis.

As I type this now, I am actually on the toilet with my bum exposed of course, which is more information than you needed.  I suppose I could leave out these details, but I thought I should share and I thought it might relax my bowels and prevent me from straining into a heart attack on the shitter. That is a terrible way to go. There has to be at least 10 pounds stuck up in there which needs to come out straight away.

Oh, and on a side note...eating a lot of seafood, especially fish...makes your vajayjay smell like a tuna casserole and your pee smells like a hooker hideaway. Really. It does make me wonder if I should abandon my love for sea creatures. Except grilled octopus. I refer to it as sea rubber and the red tentacles really freaked me the fuck out. BUT... I ate it like a trooper. I didn't want to embarrass myself in a foreign country for Pete's sake.

Sorry for that. I got sidetracked. Anypoopology,  I get anxiety when the poop chute gets clogged up. And why does it be my luck that halfway through a poop my battery runs dead on my laptop. I mean, you can't waddle with a turd halfway out your ass to get your cord. And lucky me, my bathroom outlet says: SHAVERS ONLY. This means even with an adapter.

I'm afraid this one is going to come out like lead pellets and that surely would not be pretty if it spontaneously busted out all over the hotel floor while I waddle to gather my charging cord.

Hydration should have helped, but I switched from water to wine and then coffee. Mix it all up in there like a poop cocktail. At least that was the idea. The coffee in Greece does nothing for me. I am so used to rocket fuel that this Turkish blend they serve is too bland and much too nutty for me. I still drink it. Why not?

This is my first time abroad. It has been a grand experience of a lifetime minus the poop issue.

First glitch in the trip came from having my connections rebooked from getting deplaned for three hours. This changed my connection from Frankfurt, Germany, to Munich. It didn't work out so well as they are not fond of Americans. First rule I broke was bringing water from the plane onto German soil. Frauline Greta looked at me as though Hitler were still in power and for a moment I was transformed to WWII. I'm not embellishing this.

She yanked my water, "Vat are you doink? Can not haf dat heah! Forbidden!"

Ok. I have no idea, but I transformed into my Asian dialect, "So sorry." I think I might have bowed to her. It was the first time I realized I might have some lost heritage which only revealed itself until a stressful moment made it surface. I mean, seriously, she scared the shit out of me and I'm almost 100% German. But there I was just bowing and being silent.

What do they do if you don't get a pass in Germany? I was about to find out. She was telling me that I could not get on my plane. Then she made me recheck everything and take it out of the bags. She threw my laptop into a bucket. I was already intimidated by having to pass through a serious of locked glass gates when I got off the plane and being funneled to a new check point. It was the weirdest thing I have experienced. It kept on like that. Finally, she stood there and said I am stuck. It was like Tom Hanks in Terminal. I looked around and everyone behind me was yelling and frowning at me in beautiful languages but I am sure it contained a lot of fucks.

Then...the waters were parted by Moses or at least that cute blond boy from the Von Trapp family. He asked," What is the matter? " She told him with a big fat frown on her face. He waved her off and told me, "It's Ok. You can go."

Thank you, Jesus!

I all but ran to my plane and not because I was late, but because I wanted it to take off straight away. I felt extremely sympathetic toward all those the Germans annihilated. I have anyway, but to see that treatment in person and feel that fear, it was real.

I can't quite comprehend what the Germans have against bottled water?

Ah. Then I landed in Greece.

Where I sit here waiting to poop.

But it's the Greek way. Not really.

It's because I ate too much cheese.

Greece is amazing and in a short time I have grown a deep attachment to it and the people. The ancient history is so fascinating that I can't get enough.

I'm pretty sure the archaeologists who have had me drag them along to monuments and museums are glad to be able to rest. I ask a lot of questions.

I wanted to ask them if they had problems pooping, but I didn't dare.