Thursday, August 27, 2015

I Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wonder

Many years ago I discovered chocolate covered coffee beans were the bees knees. I was really pissed I didn't come up with it myself.


I need to come up with something fantastic we can put chocolate on and make a ton of money. Like...well....hmm...

What is great that hasn't already been manufactured into a Big Idea?

I guess I will just enjoy my coffee moments and pop a few beans.

First, I can't live without coffee. Chocolate is a close second. And who would want to, right?

Recently, I have a wonderful friend (that didn't sound right but I'm not fixing it) who totally gave up coffee. I have not idea why but I really think the construction going on near her house has had some side effects.

And what do you do when your friends don't drink tea or coffee in the morning? It's really uncomfortable just sitting out on the deck or in their house staring across the table at them hoping for some engaging conversation. And biscuits without coffee are just well...just biscuits.

I think you might have to get new friends.

Not really.

I'm really worried the world's coffee supply might run out someday. Especially at the rate I drink it. Maybe I should research the supply chain and futures. I guess I should thank Berta for quitting to save one more day of drinking for someone else.

I wonder if she will give up chocolate covered coffee beans. Is it candy or coffee? Hmm.

With the wasteful ton of used grounds after an orgasmic pot of brew...I wonder if we should just chew a couple beans and save the earth. I mean, putting them in the compost pile is recycling or using them to cover up your dope package is inventive...but are we really being good stewards?


I think chocolate covered coffee beans are a better option and the caffeine takes effect almost immediately. It's like two orgasms in one If you add in some hot would be complete splendor. I think that's what I would call that activity.

"Honey...let's engage in a little splendor."

Maybe it would make people last longer and have more intense sex with multiple orgasms.

You could also market them as "break in case you don't get any" or "if he under three"...gag gifts. Or call it CRACK.

We could save the world's drug addicted by substituting stimulants for chocolate covered coffee beans. I wonder how many you would have to eat before it makes you feel like a hit of meth.

Not really.

I really don't wonder that.

I do wonder when a woman stops wanting sex. What vessel in the brain becomes broken, when, why, and how do you prevent it? Is there a pill? A surgery? Does the vagina break?

When do you stop thinking a tight ass is unattractive or swoon over the one you love? Does Channing Tatum ever get ugly? Will Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood every become EW GROSS? Will these changes in life be a tragic day?

Do you switch from wine to vodka at a certain age and if so, when does it become vogue to do so? Is Vodka an acquired taste? I really hate it. Does wine become passe? I hope not.

What about granny panties? When do you have to start wearing those and why would you want to? Is it because it holds everything in?

Fuck. Those are not attractive. Neither are diapers. In fact, they are big girl pull ups. I hope I never have to rely on Depends. It's a contradictory sentence, but geesh. Ok. Maybe Marilyn Monroe did it right. Everyone memorialized her as a beauty. Not like Phyllis Diller. She died old and wrinkly. But Diane Keaton and Helen Mirren...they have gotten more beautiful with age. And JLO. She keeps looking younger. WTF?

Is it in their makeup? Good genes? Plastic surgery? No. I have seen perky boobs on a 70 year old and it alarmed me. I mean what the hell is wrong with this picture....70....big perky bra....yeck. It scared the shit out of me. Yes, I was a cop and I had to wrangle this drunk woman. Her boobs about poked my eye out and I am pretty sure I jumped back when I entered the room where she was being crazy. It was like a Total Recall moment.

Anyway. Back to Mirren and Keaton and JLO. And what about Cristy Brinkley? 61 freaking years old. Is there a beauty secret? I want the butt salve they are using.

One thing is for sure. Billy Joel looks like a pile of wrinkles. He did not age well. Perhaps he should have paid more attention to what Cristy does.

And JLO...she will be the one to watch. I think JLO has sex with young men which keeps her active and younger.

I hope I never stop wanting sex. I could have so much fun at the old folks' home my kiddo will lock me up in. Wait. Things stop working for men at that age. Damn. What am I going to do?

I'm going to have to get rich so I can have a pool boy.


I think about those things.

While I'm drinking my coffee.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Good Vibrations: A Teenager's First Cheap Thrill

Sometimes our children have moments of discovery which are shared with us. Many are grand, many are not so. Then there are those which are the in betweens. They give the parents speechless moments and deer in the headlights effects.

Bug had such a moment yesterday.

Her Auntie Lana gave her a Fitbit for her birthday which is a big deal. She has wanted one for a long time so she can challenge her mother but they are very expensive and I didn't think she was responsible enough. Well, enter the aunt.

So she was off and running and had that thing set up in no time. She even through away the instructions prior to figuring it out. Sometimes I hate kids. They are so techno.

Volleyball practice came around and she wanted to beat her mother's steps, which at that point in the day was nearly impossible. She was determined. We discussed she should not wear the Fitbit on her wrist during volleyball practice because it would mess up her passes. She agreed. Apparently, she was ahead of the game.

BUG: Mom, that's why I put it in my sports bra. See.

ME: Sweaty gross.

BUG: It won't fall out. Those things really suck you in.

ME: *blink*blink* Well, have a good practice. Love you, honey.

BUG: Bye. Be here at exactly 7:20. Don't be late.

ME: Yes, boss.

Off she went and I moved on to some yard work until it was time to pick her up. Pick up time came and I zoomed in for a landing as she came out of the gym.

BUG: You are late.

ME: I am not. You just came out.

BUG: You are supposed to be here in the parking lot like the other mothers waiting at least 10 minutes for us before it is over.

ME: For why?

BUG: Because.

Wow. The child is rigid. What a drill sergeant.

BUG: Mom, I have to tell you something.

ME: Yes?

BUG: During practice, I was working really hard and all of a sudden I felt this vibration in my boobs and it was my Fitbit and I liked panicked and I didn't know if it was going to explode or what and it was moving and I didn't now why and it felt really weird. Yeah.

ME: (laughing) It vibrates when you reach 10,000 steps.

BUG: Yeah. I Googled it.

ME: (laughing) That is the funniest thing I ever heard.

BUG: Mom, it made me feel like really weird. I was like..YAHOO! It was whirring in there. I was nervous of what is going on? And then I didn't know and stuff.

ME: (laughing) Good thing you didn't have it down your shorts.

BUG: Gross. Would that have felt weird to you, too?

ME: Oh. Sure. Sure.

BUG: Ok.

What a great idea! I could get my thrill on Blueberry Hill while I am running just by putting my Fitbit in my bra. It's cheap! It's free! It doesn't talk back. I wonder why I never thought of that. Good thing it doesn't ding at you like when the chicken is done. That would have no lasting effect.

Thanks, Fitbit!