I just stood there, not saying a thing until she was done. It went on as did her tears. When the sobbing consumed her, all I could muster was, "I love you."
Bug countered back with "no you don't" and "my dad doesn't love me because of you" and on and on and on. After a while, I just walked away.
Later she came up to me and said she was sorry, she shouldn't have said that. What do you say to your 14 year old when she just pretty much cut your heart in two? I told her if that is how she really feels, then she needs to get it out and we need to talk about it. I added I was sorry she felt that way. Again, I told her I loved her.
In my mind, I was thinking, WTF..."your dad cheated on me and told me he wanted a divorce on my birthday, while standing over me, and he had been 'practicing' sex with me in the last months to make sure he was 'good enough' for his new girlfriend"...although I didn't say it out loud. Yeah, like I was practice sex. Take that. Why is it a bad idea to say the truth of the matter to your teenager?
1) It would have devastated her. 2) Her parents didn't have sex...at least in her mind because that is gross...daughter denial. We got her at a baby store. 3) I made a vow for Lent to stop saying the f bomb which would have been interjected in that story out of reflex. God really trumped my thoughts of daughter devastation because I was really hurt and wanted to lash out as a natural bitch reaction. Gotta contain the bitch in me sometimes, especially for my daughter's sake. 4) It is REALLY BAD to say such things in front of children even if it is the truth. They then need years of therapy and it is all your fault because you were the ugly momster even if it appears to be the fault of the father. After all, I did not sleep with my friend's wife and carry on in a uniform whilst supposed to be protecting the lake residents. I'm over it. Well, for myself, but it still plagues my daughter and it is an embarrassment to her.
For some odd reason during this princess outburst, I had this calm resolve as she sliced and diced her mother and then handed me my head on a platter. It was serial killer creepy calm minus the killing thoughts. Maybe now I know why mice eat their young. Not really. That is really disturbing and no thank you.
Maybe it was because we had just gotten home from Jujitsu and I felt a little Yoda combined with my ninja warrior spirits which kicked in and saved me from epic mother failure.
Who knows? Maybe my brain disconnected for a minute and I was on a white sand beach with Alejandro. It must have been a coping mechanism to prevent the daggers from hitting my heart. Teenagers can do it...check out...why not me? They are good at pushing buttons as well.
I kissed her forehead and went to bed. It was all I could do as my presence was agitating her inner Sybil.
When I hit the pillow, I was out. It was maybe an hour later when I had to get out of bed and take Moose pee outside which was -10 but felt like Antarctica's asshole which was probably -45.
I had just gotten to sleep when I felt this big nose staring me down.
|It was like this only at my bedside.|
"Well, honey, I could never hate you, you are my child. Sometimes I don't like how you behave and when you hurt it hurts me. I will always love you."
"But, mom, why didn't you yell at me when I was evil?"
"What good would that have done? Besides, you never know when one of us would get hit by a bus and then all you would remember was how bad the last moment was when they were alive."
"I know, mom. And my bus driver is dangerous. She drives fast on ice and turns corners over snow drifts and makes us pukey. She is seriously bad. She is going to kill us. Every day I fear for my life and that I won't see you again."
The dots connect even if they go to grandmother's house, through the woods, and over the hill first.
Life returned to normal in the morning when Murphy took toilet paper rolls about the entire house while I was in the shower. Bad dog. Bad dog.