Thursday, September 3, 2015

MOMsterhood: Are You A Vagina?

Momsterhood is often challenging. I mean, what does it take to be the world's worst mother? Not much according to my daughter. Yesterday was simple. I just was being myself and apparently it resembled being a vagina. Now is being compared to a vagina a bad thing? I don't really know. I do know it doesn't sound like a good thing. Although, I am proud of having one...I'm not sure I want to be compared to it. It's not like I show it off or parade it around. Perhaps it means moms take a pounding? I don't know. It brought up an internal debate when I tried to analyze what my daughter's learned lesson from school.

First, all I did was pick her up at the school after volleyball practice. As most mothers, I failed at being perfect....even at parking. The conversation started out the same as usual. She never looks around for me. It's not like I'm invisible. It's the same car, the same area...every.single.time. I try to make it easy, yet it is a treasure hunt every. single.time. I almost wish I had a different vehicle each day. SHE.DOES.NOT.OPEN.HER.EYES. Drives me nuts, I tell you.

Our text messaging was also typical...mostly typical...

BUG: Mom, where are you? 

ME: Across from the front doors, in the same area as yesterday.

BUG: Where?


BUG: Don't yell at me.

ME: I'm not yelling at you. I'm putting some caps in your ass. 

BUG: Mom, that is violence and language!

ME: It is not violence. It is the language I had to use.

BUG: I mean the a word.

ME: If I don't use words like that, I can't be classified as a ghetto mother. 

BUG: You are crazy.

ME: Yes, yes I am. Thank you. 

BUG: I can't find you. Where are you?

ME: Go to the front door. Turn about face and look to the field toward the railroad tracks. Walk 100 feet. See the car? My lights are on. I can have the mother ship launch a beam for you if you need.

BUG: Why did you park so far away?

ME: To punish you.

Several minutes go by.

ME: Where are you? 

BUG: I can't find you. 

Lord, please help me. 


BUG: I am!


BUG: Oh. I see you. 

So when she opened the door and entered, it was a revelation to see her mom. 

"Hi, Mom!"

"Hi,Bug. Why do you have such difficulty finding me when I am always in the same place?"

"Well, I don't know."

"It is crazy."

"Well, Mom.  It's not like you are the first thing on my mind."

"Uh, well I should be. What does all that mean?

"Maybe it's because today Raika said moms are like vaginas."

"Uh, what?"

"Yeah. She said every girl has to have one, but you really don't want to see it or talk about it. But if you ignore it, it becomes infected and retaliates. And then you are miserable. So, it is just better you take care of their needs."

Whiskey-tango-foxtrot. I wonder what Raika says about fathers. Hmm...

Australian worm:
And were we really talking about mothers resembling vaginas?

And do mothers LOOK like vaginas, too? I mean full body vaginas or just on the face vaginas? Like do we all have big Botox lips which look like giant vaginas under our noses? Really makes you wonder. "Yes, Doc. Shoot me up some (points to lips) I want to have a vagina on my face." I guess if you walked around all cock-eyed, lips could look like vaginas...sort of plump ones... 

Photo courtesy of
I don't know. I have never compared vaginas to know how different every woman looks down there. I wonder if there is a study on that and why the differences? Not really. I don't really think I want to study vaginas. But what does a gynecologist think? What signifies a good one? Or a nice one? Is it...(1)Do you have to have shaved ones? (2) Or keep the "GROWLER"? (3)Or a nicely trimmed lady garden?(4)Smell floral pretty, fresh, or no smell?  I would think clean would be a qualifier. But, hey, I'm not judging. Yeah. No one wants to get down there and have a smell contest. Ok. Poking my eyes out.

Is Raika saying we smell or we have certain smells? Some better than others? Some like roses? Some smell fishy? Time to stop taking Fish oil. Stop the runaway brain mind channeling nonsense!

"I have no words."

"Yeah. I didn't understand it."

"Ok, then. How old is Raika?

"She is 16."

"Maybe she is on to something."

"No, Mom, she is not on drugs."

"No, that's not what I meant. Anyway, let's go home. How was practice?"

"It was Ok, Mom."


"Why do you talk funny like that? No one says that anymore. No one talks like that. Gah."

"Vaginas talk like that."

"MOmmmm! Gross."

Cue the embarrassed teenager whine.

I have always thought Lisa Renna was beautiful...her figure, her skin, her boobs, her hair, her lips. I mean she is just a sex pot and all momsters want to be that way, right? But now am I going to look at her and think...what a huge and plump vagina she has on her face?

Lisa Renna

Or did Raika mean this?
I don't know if I will ever understand teenagers. ((((Sigh)))) 


  1. Momma Fargo:

    I love that term: MOMsterhood.

    Does that mean you can dance the MOMSTER MASH?

    And teenagers..well, we WERE all one (once) and that means we "should" understand.

    But, thanks to an ever-changing (and not the better) society that gives us crap like GENDER-NEUTRAL bathrooms for the schoolkids) it's a game we don;t even recognize , even when we see it staring at us.

    I think (by what you wrote) that you;re doing a DAMN fine job bringing up Bug...and like us all, she will come to APPRECIATE it.
    It just might take a year or two longer.

    Excellent post.

    Stay safe down there, dear.

  2. Well, I have to admit, vagina's are the most interesting thing on a woman. I see a beautiful, sexy woman, talking quantum physics is the last thing I want to do with her. Playing with that thing that causes parts of men to grow in the dark is all I care about.

    1. That, and can she make a good sammach afterward. That is important, too.