Monday, July 13, 2015

Straitjacket Talk

"Just what if."

That's what my friends said to me the other day while we giggled over her online dating woes. What if you met your soul mate?

Thinking about online dating makes me want to seize up. I have had many friends find their husbands through online dating. Actually, the thought of dating scares me and I fear a broken heart again.

Subsequently, my history with men shows I can't pick 'em. Even if the computer matched me, I would choose wrong. For example, if I had several matches online, I would pick the serial killer. Or the hot guy who turns out to be a meeb. So then, do you trick yourself by picking an average looking guy? What hits you in the heart about their profile? I mean, they could all be fake. It's like fishing and I would reel in the bucket.

All of these fears did not phase Carol and Rita. They had those too. In fact, I think they relished on the catfishes more than the real persons who turned out to be disappointing dates. They were able to pick out the spammers and scammers faster than determining who was compatible with them in real life. I don't know that I have any of those skills. It's true, I used to be a cop. However, I have failed at personal relationships and I can't figure out why for the life of me.

My first fear is putting myself out there like a slab of meat. Many have told me if I was online, the hits would come out like the Mafia took over Chicago. Is that a compliment?

So their best advice was to tailor your headline a certain way to attract attention and their advice: it should be a bit cheeky or clever, but not to sound desperate. I think you should be authentic or not be online at all. I know, there are trolls. Now I have to be clever, too? It is a haven for freaks. It's part of the process. But, it's too bad the screening companies can't screen them better.

Second, I will be real and sure enough, I would get a fake dude or one who thinks he is all that and turns out to be a slimy fish in reality. And what if you get a great guy with a little penis or a dysfunctional one? We discussed that too. Not that sex is everything, but I am in my prime.  Why not use it before you lose it? Plus, a vibrator only gets your rocks off. It doesn't get intimate with you.

Lastly, we must stay away from foreign spammers who suck you in and want to take your money. And what if your pics are too sexy? And what if you come off as corny?

Attracting the meebs is surely going to happen, yes? That's what I fear. My friends scolded me..."You were a cop, for Pete's sake." Why bring Pete into this? Apparently my cop work did not work well with the second husband. It was like the prison guard falling for the inmate type of thingy. Ew. Shudder. I don't want to go back to that.

We came up with a Fargo list...

My priorities:

1. They must be STD cleared, carrying a health card, and have not slept with the entire world.

2. A first date priority is to drop trow and if Mr. Wanky goes up with the wind, they pass the next round. Then pull them up and save that for later if he passes for a second date.

3. The ex wife or girlfriend cannot be a psycho bitch from hell and/or on the police blotter list for stalking. Definitely no married men.

4. Financial portfolio must show they are a hard worker and capable of supporting a family. Well to do would be preferable, but I can live with a secure income. Online you can say anything you want. You have to meet them in person and figure that out for reals. Shudder.

5. Intelligence would be nice but not required as long as the woman is considered the princess. ( I had to lower my standards) Ok. Wait. I can't lower this requirement. I do not want to mingle with Dumbo. He's cute and all, but I need some smarts.

6. Eventually, he must be monogamous if it goes past a few dates. I am not one of his whoers. (Pronounced hoo-ers)

7. A gentleman would be nice and preferred, but a woodsy real man will do, too. Can I have both?

8. Must not be a couch potato. He has to be active and adventurous, likes to explore, and loves the outdoors.

9. No arrest record. Well, at least not recent and no felonies. Ok. This part is hard to prove. Shudder.

10. Must love guns. Only not gangsta style.

11. Must love dogs.

12. Manners matter. Good looks are a bonus. Humor is a must.

13. I have to screen your plaid. There is cool plaid and lamo plaid.

Yes, we laughed and had a little fun. That's what you do when you drink, eat, and girl bond.

Anyway, those are the tops on the list for now. I can't even think about it, really. it hurts my head. Additionally, I have a child to proect.

I watched the trolls flock on to my friend's profile and not surprisingly because she is a beautiful woman inside and out. She has had maybe 5 dates in 15 years and has not gotten past the first date with any man. She doesn't even answer most of the online hits. Maybe getting the hits is just a self-esteem boost. I don't know.

Some tips I can give those trolls out there:

1. If your online name is LOOKING4U...I will be inserting my finger into my mouth and not to simulate a blow job and trying to entice you, but faking a gag.

2. If your profile is jb236 I think of you more as a vial of sperm waiting at the sperm bank for a lucky couple and not a real person. Sure, you want to be sorta anonymous for a while, but couldn't you pick something a little more personal?

3. If your online name is  loney_guy, you definitely will get passed over because you can't spell. Seriously? You didn't think about that? You just needed an "L" and you sound desperate. Common sense? I think not. I don't need a spelling bee genius, but if you can't take the time into your profile name to spellcheck, then egads, man!

4. I love the old pictures of when you were in high school, Mr. 52 year old. Really? Either show us how you kept yourself up or show us your moobs. Be real or get off the set. Puhlease.

5. My favorite are the arrogant assholes who show themselves in leather pants and all their 25 pics are of them next to a cut off girl, but they kept her boobs in the shot. Face palm. Thanks for giving me that, because you are too egotistic for me to give you a second thought, Mr. I Think I Am It. Perhaps you should go to strip clubs or do some Internet porn to satisfy your needs of sleeping with every girl on the planet. It's obvious you are just looking for a hook up. Maybe Tinder is for you.

6. If some of your pics are you in front of a mirror flashing gang signs and you are 55? Seriously. Loosah. You might find your match down in the local ghettohood. Where does the computer get off thinking I would be attracted to that?

7. If you are from Los Angeles and you "favorite" me, I am thinking you are a creeper. Really? You can't find any fish in the big ocean of LA? I'm not that hot.

Ultimately, wherever my bobby pins and hair ties go, they're happy. I know. They are metal and elastic. I do not claim to make any sense. On a serious note, I don't want to get in touch with my feelings again. It hurts too much. I wish I could trade my heart for another liver so I could drink more and care less. NO! I am not ready for a straitjacket yet.

Now this is the Strait jacket I am talking about, people!

So who wants to screen my hits? Any advice?



  1. Momma Fargo:

    YOU DO have a finger on the pulse of humanity...God bless 'ya.
    (okay, make that a TACTICAL BOOT on the pulse)

    On your PRIORITIES...well, NUMBER 3 washed me out (even if I passed ALL the others...I'm married...but I am NOT blind...just so 'ya know)

    Never arrested (and that includes my development and intelligence...LOL)

    The "Tips For Trolls" is PRICELESS.
    (I can't speak to them, because I don't do social "networking"...just a simple blog)

    Personally, I think you have a LOT to offer the right man..thing is trying to separate the wheat from the CHAFF (and there's way too much of the latter out there THESE days).
    I think parts of our posts today are similar in intent.

    Very good primer for those seeking to find THE woman (or man).

    I've already lost THE woman in my life...several lifetimes ago, so that's water under a long-passed bridge.

    Very good post.

    Stay Strong and stay SAFE down there, dear.

  2. You could narrow it down some by saying, "I'm horney as hell and need to get laid. So if you are at least10 x 2 inches, give me a call. Bring health certificate and condoms (with a bicycle repair kit) with ya.