Friday, June 5, 2015

Theory Of Everything

The secret to shedding unwanted pounds is apples and lots of water. Zip, zip. Poot, poot. It makes for some green poop and butt explosions if you eat too many green apples. I think this is what the Queen meant to do to Snow White but fucked it all up. If she had just overfed her apples, Snow White would not have been girlfriend material for the prince because she was in the toidy all the time and wreaked. It would have totally ruined her life.



I like all apples, so I have a tendency to mix it up. Not just green ones. But they carry the most butt explosions, just so you know. And if you add in some coffee...GANGWAY!

Do not eat these all at once:



Free information. It's the Internet way. Well, only if you are surfing free Wi-Fi services like at Starbucks, otherwise, you pay for it. You're welcome.



These two items, apples and lots of water, have been keeping me honest and away from bad snacks. I don't crave sugar very often and when I do, I don't eat the whole cake. It's better to sneak just a small bite or perhaps have a Starbucks latte...small. It comes right back out if you eat an apple and thus, no calories or sugar absorbed. Win-win!

BTW...Starbucks names their drink sizes in Italian. They are called "tall" drinks, but they are really short. Those Italians have a funny way with words. Foolers. So funny.

My overuse injuries are getting better since I took 4 days off to heal. That might explain why I have had a slow start this week. Now, we are entering a contest at work and I must win. The first prize is $100. It is no easy task. We have super athletes at the college. For a short time right now, I am in the lead. This usually lasts until the middle of the month, when the marathoners get a race in. For right now, "Carlos, eat my dust." Go me!

Carlos is a maniac when it comes to steps on his Fitbit. However, I'm really worried about Joshua. He is competitive and will probably put in a few extra runs at lightning speed just to make the kill.  Plus he is getting into marathons. I'm a baby. Baby races at 10Ks. See how that works? We can't be slouchers. The system keeps us motivated and honest. Not that we wouldn't be honest without the device, but motivatage might slip a time or two. No way if it is there for all to see. It's like standing in the square naked. You had better not have a slouched on your abs or be sporting your cottage cheese legs around. I refrain from public nudity. People can thank me for that.

So what does your Fitbit say? How many steps?

I was in a funk at first and averaged about 6,000-7,000. The secret was to get my fat butt off the chair. I started walking at lunch. I later added in running after work. See, I go straight to the gym so I can't make any excuse for weather issues. At night, three times a week, I run outside as well. Whew. Gotta get race ready.

Last night the humidity was thick. The fireflies were nice, but they were flying so slow I almost swallowed a few. Perhaps they were having a hard time in the fog of condensation as I was. When they are not a blur of light, they are a strange looking bug and kind of creepy, but since they are the only being on earth I know who can light their butt on fire with fantastic flare and fly around to light up the sky, I let it slide. Well, besides a Jack Ass (the movies) cast member.


Well, and we do torture them by putting them in jars and watching them in awe. Poor things.



This summer has been the first time I have noticed the humidity being so thick and relentless. Oy. It makes for bad hair and hard running. This should not be confused with running with a hard on, but means difficult. I understand both issues would be difficult because I have heard it is hard to run with a hard on, but I wouldn't know. I've seen it before, tho. It's kind of funny... but not for the man. Sorry, mom.

Last night, my feet felt like cement blocks. I also found my shoes with 749 miles on them have broken down inside and lucky for me I have a super clearance pair (last year's last year's model)  in the closet which are new. So, my new favorite shoes are now going to be my "sneakers." That's what I call the shoes you retire and make your weekend run around town shoes or garden beauties. Sad shame. I wish they would last longer. But then the shoe companies would not make any money.

I am certain this is their (manufacturer's) ploy on everything. Nothing lasts like it used to so we have to buy more and support those yacht owning CEOs. What happened to the trickle down theory? I would just settle for a canoe or a kayak. Perhaps that is not what is meant by that premise. I don't know why they invent theories if we don't use them. Bastards.

My summer is about to get lonely as Bug sets off to Wyoming to visit her dad. Poop. Shit.

I guess I will build muscles while scraping siding and painting the Harry Potter House. It might take me three years to get this project done, but it will happen. It's a labor of love. Just like having a baby, but it doesn't hurt in the vagina.






2 comments:

  1. Momma Fargo:
    Sorry, don;t do apples and water...gimme BRAN FLAKES!
    And I don'r run these days (that's what BULLETS are for...heh)

    FItbit - no thanks.
    ( I like my tactical watch just fine and I can take my own pulse)

    And if you think the Hoosier humidity is thick (well, we are between TWO great lakes), try Philly and being 60 miles from the ATLANTIC OCEAN...now THAT is humidity.
    You get a water bed just by sleeping in undies on a traditional mattress in August...LOL.

    And YES, nothing is built the way it USED to be (including us...ha ha ha(
    You always have an invite to roll up here for a day trip.
    Be happy to have you and it makes the lone-lies pass for a spell.
    besides, we LOVE talking to NORMAL people (you're more normal than a LOT of others, trust me)

    Very good post.

    Stay safe down there, dear.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I eat an apple almost everyday and have increased my water intake... getting away from cola's... but not beer and coffee.

    ReplyDelete