Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Honey Doo Doo Lists Are #SOFUNICOULDSH*TMYSELF

Calling out all single parents!

Yeah.

The magic question: do you like the summer break from your kiddos or does it woe you? 


Photobombed my barn!
#Listofthingsyoudowhenyourkiddoisonvisitationwiththeotherparent.


I made that question really small because we aren't supposed to even ask those questions nor discuss the issue. Why? So soccer moms don't hate on us, you don't feel guilty for thinking one way, nor feel sad and start drinking your sorrows away thinking the other. Yep. Shh. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

So I'm not going to answer it. But I will flood you with the bounty of what I do during that time of teenager silence.

1) I pack my schedule with house repairs and honey-do lists. I'm the honey. I do this and I do that. Honey is a bossy bitch. I do it ALL by myself. Why? Because I am ALONE. Duh.

2) I run naked in the house.

3) I work out extra times. Why? I have no idea.

Me yesterday...trying to look Olympian.
Just survived a snapping turtle attack on the Greenway.
Humidity hair. It's bootiful.
Pale face. Turtles are scary. They are big and snappy. And I didn't have my gun.

4) I cook what I WANT. Maybe my dinner is a fucking beer. I am the boss of my own dinner.

5) I might get spontaneous and go hiking, fishing, canoeing, or site seeing. Site seeing might be the inside of my eyelids because I take a nap.

6) I save a lot of money on utilities and food. Where does it go? Bills. Why? Because BILL is a bitch. So demanding. If I don't pay BILL, I lose my shit.

7) I practice search warrant raids on Bug's room and usually end up throwing away garbage bags of trash and donate clothes to charity. Then her room looks so great, I have to match mine. It's a sickness.

8) I reorganize closets. Why? Because it is so much fun I could just shit myself.

9) I garden vegetables and edibles and weeds. I actually destroy weeds in the garden. They grow here like weeds. I'm going to do that this weekend. It needs it. I try to be an urban farmer but last year my tomatoes burned up, the dogs ate my strawberries, and I thought I planted pumpkins but they were gourds. I ended up having to go to the farmer's markets to get fresh tomatoes and pumpkins. I cut the part of the strawberries off where the dog had chewed them and put them in a salad.  The rest of the garden goodies turned out super. I make a mean herb garden. I also pick the neighbor's apples and go to the local orchard. I would like my own fruit trees, but that comes in time. I moved my urban garden location this time to avoid last year's disasters. I have to keep up the Eat Lean Poop Green lifestyle.

10) The dogs get special attention and we cuddle a lot. This year I am installing a pool. I think this year I might spend $6.99 for a kiddie pool. It's hot. It's for me, not them. OK. I might share.

11) I clean out the garage/barn. It gets it once a year if it needs it or not. I keep adding to the list of garage sale items but forget to have a garage sale. I might try that this year. If I don't get to the garage sale stage, I just have a big pile of shit.

12) I garden flowers. My friends are in the stages of sharing and thinning their gardens, so I get free plants. It's the only way to go. Someday I will do the same. I think it is being a good steward and upcycling.

13) My compost pile gets worked. Whodathunk it is so much fun stirring worm poop?

14) I sit around and twiddle a lot.

15) I catch up on my shows because I am not stuck watching Dance Moms or some dumb other reality show. What is it with kids and reality shows? I mean...why don't they know the difference between good TV and junque? They irritate the crap out of me.

16) Lucky you I blog a lot.

17) I volunteer at Vacation Bible School. Why? Because God makes me. I get to be in charge of the hoodlum kids. It's so much fun it's like work. I wish they would let me use my handcuffs and maybe some OC spray. Just a little. Like warning squirts. Perhaps I will eat a lot of beans each day before sessions.

18) Celebrating Father's Day because I'm the best dad Bug ever had.

19) I will be on my hands and knees frequently and it's not even for Free Blow Job Day. (That's another time of year) I will be scrubbing floors and baseboards.

20) I spray for bugs and weeds. Not to encourage them, but to give them a slow, painful death.

21) I might clean out that one room in the barn where I believe serial killings occurred. Maybe. Maybe not. There might be clowns in there.


22) I wish I had my horses. I would ride. Poop. Shit.

24) I have to scrape and paint the outside of my house. I have to repair some stucco. I have to seal the stucco. This is all kind of yucko.

25) I will light fires in my fire pit. Why? Because fire is AWESOME! And it goes well with marshmallows and beer. I will sit there and fumigate my clothes and hair with the smell of bonfire- eat, drink, and be Mary, Frank, or whomever I wish. Then I will strip naked at the laundry room door and take a shower and do it all over again another day.

I would totally sit on my fat ass and wait for someone to take me traveling or treating me to a spa vacation. Yep. Ok. I won't hold my breath.

3 comments:

  1. I was an alone, Empty Nester for 10 years; did everything myself and then got married again. Whole new learning curve - right after we were married, he almost got a cast iron skillet over his head when he walked up behind me while I was cooking (I know, cooking for me is a once a year event). The second (and only other) time he got my stink eye was when he did something on MY CAR without discussing it with me. Now 11+ years later, I'm again alone and I now hire people to do the things on my 'honey do' list that I'm no longer physically able to do. This being alone again isn't all it's cracked up to be - I was spoiled by a magnificent man.

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  2. #14 - Allow me to introduce you to the wonderful world of vibration. More fun than thumb twiddling.

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  3. Momma Fargo:

    ROFLMAO...damn good thing my drink didn't get ANYWHERE close to my mouth while reading this...!
    (I hate springing for new computer gear)

    Love that "list".
    --Reorganizing closets...yeah, it CAN be THAT much "fun"...NOT!
    -- FBJD - well now, who'da thunk they had a day for THAT?
    --We gotta compare notes on those herb gardens, too. Like to know what you got growing.
    --I like to think we (also) have a COMPOST PILE...only it refers to the REST of our part of the "ghettohood"...lol.
    --Can't say I've ever had a "fucking" beer...mostly ICE-COLD ones (once in a while a less-than-cold on)...and I better not catch my Guinness screwing around with my Smithwicks.
    --If ANY of your garage sales consist of extra ammo or firearms...I'm THERE (heh).

    Very good post.

    You take it easy & stay safe down there, dear.

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