Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Here Cum The Worms

I am so very grateful for the food in this farm belt I live in. Neighbors share apples, raspberries, mulberries, sweet corn, tomatoes, and squash. I share onions, peppers, herbs, and not much else because I eat it. This year I didn't grow pumpkins because last year they turned into gourds and so I thought I would skip that this year. Don't ask. Ok. I threw out pumpkins and gourds in the compost pile and they came up in the spring. They were so huge, I thought they were pumpkins. Come fall, they were gourds. Bastards changed on me.

However, I am missing the mystery of the corner garden. Anyway, I have plenty of options. If that isn't the bomb diggety, I live close to an orchard where I can get Honey Crisp apples, big as melon peaches, and cherries. Oh, and we have Amish farms and farmer's markets. Fresh food galore!

And so today, I was eating my fresh raspberries and I was immediately grossed out at the bottom when something did not look like the others. There was a white dude in the middle of my black dudes. It was like he missed his bus. He was horrifying. I'm pretty sure he was some type of fruit worm or fly maggot, but not exactly, because he was longer and skinnier with a mustache. Maybe he was a raspberry worm.
Nice fresh black raspberries with one oogly worm

Now when they say "don't let one bad apple ruin the whole bushel", they are full of shit. Throw that whole batch away. It is no good.

I don't know if the worm was planted there so I would scream or just hatched from a speck of fly semen. Regardless, it was a dirty joke played by Mother Nature. She sure is a bitch. 

In today's day and age, I can now definitely see why we blame one bad white cop for the whole bunch. This is a perfect example of how that works. Now, I could have thrown the worm out and went on my eating way, but the thoughts of worm poop all over my berries made me want to throw up. Plus, I would have had to touch the thing. If I used a utensil, I would smash berries making them mush and they taste different. If you don't believe me, try it. Smashed berries are gross. It's like sloppy seconds. Sure, I could have thrown the worm out and washed the berries, thus, getting rid of the worm poop, but what if one speck was left over. N'ah. Ain't gonna happen. Little bastard. 

And then I thought....what if I already ate all the pooped on raspberries?

After I sat at my desk thinking about it for a while, I decided before I threw up, I should wash that shit down with some chocolate. Yes, I know. I am not supposed to have sugar. However, if sugar kills humans, just think of what it will do to worms and any berries in my stomach laced with worm poop. Never mind that stomach acid, sugar is better. 

I feel much better now. 

I do realize I have just thrown my frugal nature right out the door. I do know how to stretch a dollar and being middle to upper poor, I can't afford to buy raspberries unless they are on sale or go pick them at the farms. Now, yes, I could buy them, but then I have to eliminate something else like toilet paper and I couldn't wipe my butt. See how it works with being poor? Therefore, raspberries are a treat and are cherished. 

This wasteful solution today is an exception to my own rules. 

I just hope the little bastard didn't masturbate on my berries, but then again, I don't know what worms do and I think they are asexual. I'm not sure if asexual creatures masturbate. 

Consequently, I guess I could understand how one would get aroused over raspberries. They are my favorite fruit. It's food porn.

Why yes! I did Google it. Asexual masturabation, not food porn. Actually, I Googled: "do asexual creatures or worms masturbate?" It took me directly to the most credible site: Wikipedia. 

I think Google was confused, because this is what Wiki said about being asexual: "Asexuality (or nonsexuality)[1][2][3] is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in sexual activity." 

I was not interested in asexual humans and never knew we had such a thing.

Continuing down the information: Asexual people, though lacking sexual attraction to any gender, might engage in purely romantic relationships, while others might not.[9][18][19] There are asexual-identified individuals who report that they feel sexual attraction but not the inclination to act on it because they have no true desire or need to engage in sexual or non-sexual activity (cuddling, hand-holding, etc.), while other asexuals engage in cuddling or other non-sexual physical activity.[6][11][12][17] Some asexuals participate in sexual activity out of curiosity. 

I am so glad the worm did not cuddle with me. 

More Wiki knowledge: "The suggestion that asexuality is a sexual dysfunction is controversial among the asexual community." 

How did they question all those worms? Did they hook them up to electrodes to figure out what they were thinking? They don't even speak English. 

So I finally scrolled to the part about masturbation: "While some asexuals masturbate as a solitary form of release or have sex for the benefit of a romantic partner, others do not." 

Now I will never know if I had a masturbating worm or not. 

I sure hope the university doesn't eyeball my browsing history. It might throw up red flags. How am I going to explain I had a worm in my raspberries and I had to Google to see if I ate sperms? 

That's going to be interesting. 


  1. Geezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, such a wussy city girl. A worm is protein and so is larvae, so get yer nickers untwisted and spit the little bastard out if you don't want to ingest it. :) Hugs~~~

  2. I say shit can the entire bunch. No telling what the little bastard was carrying for a disease. He may have had raspitis IV or something. I'm sure whatever STD he had it pry has not been discovered yet, so there is no cure. No need to take a chance.. after all.. I'm sure you are the first person in human history to come in contact with a masturbating, asexual, raspberry worm. Don't leave it to chance..