Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Supporting The Runs On A Gnat's Budget

I have as much extra money at the end of a month which will fit on a gnat's ass.

However, I can squeeze blood out of a turnip.

Before you read on, there isn't much humor in here unless I happened to pull it out of my ass. Why? I don't know, but it sucks.

It's stripped down me right now.

Run for your life. Me-naked-it's not pretty.

This is about living well and my triumphs and defeats. Medical issues made me a fat ass. I have always struggled with being fit but most of the time when I sported a muffin top it was because I ate junk. It was easier to shave off weight when I was younger.

Then food changed in it's chemistry and makeup.

Rut roh.

Watch Fed Up's documentaries on food if you don't believe me. I also found Super Size Me to be interesting.

Upfront and in your face tips: Cut out sweets. Right now. Don't drink pop-of any kind. Don't eat or drink anything with sugar substitutes. Period. Suffer without the sweets or find it through fruit and chocolate-dark. By chocolate, I don't mean every day or even once a week. OCCASIONALLY.

During my rock bottom body status, I was eating under 1400 calories a day and getting weaker, immobile from a broken neck issue, and going into a terrible metabolic syndrome. I was bloated, fatigued, and downright miserable. At the same time I was exercising at least an hour a day 5 times a week. My vision was declining (still unresolved) and gums were going to pot. Some days it hurt to sleep.

So what happened? I went to a few great doctors who figured it out and two months later, I am feeling like I'm 29 again. As those close to me say, "Kathryn-you've got your sexy back". It's OK to be sexy. It's not dirty. The best result-I'm ready to fight. For reals. I like to fight. I was a cop. Duh.

Am I done? No.

It's no surprise to most readers who have tagged along on one venue of mine or another that I went from middle class to upper poor in a few short months. My life is an open book and I'm not afraid to talk about it. I've made some serious mistakes, but at the same time I've made some major strides. I'm learning to adjust and work my way out. I have also learned how to stretch the dollar.

The most difficult thing to muster is budgeting for my health. This includes the doctor bills which have accumulated. My goal is to avoid future major medical problems which break the bank and my back. Whether you are made of riches or rags, there are many ways to be healthy on a gnat's budget. I'll share some of my experiences.

Sunday I forgot my music. I ran anyway.

Monday I remembered my music but I forgot my exercise bra. I ran anyway.

Tuesday I remembered my music and exercise bra but I forgot my socks. I ran anyway.

Wednesday I will have my poop in a group.

First of all, if you run or walk, you must take care of your feet. It's primary. They hold the rest of you up and if they hurt, your entire body is miserable. Since I have been so lucky to get medical assistance with my less than Barbie body, I will pass it on to you-FOR FREE. You're welcome.

1) If you can afford pedicures...get them every two weeks including the salt scrub, paraffin wax, and calf massage. They are $20-35 in most places unless you live in Manhattan. This is where you might get fucked so drive out of the city for a better rate. If you can't afford them, get the stuff and do it yourself.
       a) Important tips: Balls of feet and calluses. These can get in the way of healthy feet and affect your stride. Yeck. And they are ugly. Don't wear flip flops if you have callused feet. Go to the beach and run along it barefoot until you discard those nasty things. The beach makes your feet amazing.  Duh. Look at the Californians. They have beautiful feet.
       b)Shave your feet. Get a grater and go to town. Feet gross you out? Go to the nail salon. I like it better when it is done by the Vietnamese salon professionals. They know how to take care of you properly and tell you your fortune. You also get big bang for your buck.  If is the year of the whore (horse), you get good sex advice for no additional charge. I loved my Chinese Nancy who blessed me while I was on patrol and now I have Shirley. She is from Vietnam. I only get to see her about 4 times a year, but she remembers me and so does Hong, the owner. He is fierce.
       c) Make sure you go to a credible salon with sanitary practices.

2) Keep your feet in good shoes. This pertains to any time and especially if you exercise. In 1999, my family doctor who was an ultrarunner told me to get new shoes every 500 miles. In 2015, my sports medicine doctor told me the same thing. I believe it to be true. Now, this can get expensive if you require high maintenance and want the latest and greatest. Let me sway you another direction. There is nothing wrong with last month's model or last year's. I shop Dick's Sporting Goods, MC Sports, Foot Locker, lady Footlocker, Active.com, Cabela's, Under Armour Outlet, Gander Mountain, etc. and online for closeouts and clearance sales.
        a) Buy name brand proven athletic shoes. Get a brand or style which fits your feet. They are all different, even within the brand name.
       b) Closeouts and clearance sales can be 50-80% off. Check for additional coupons.
       c) Walk around in them. Make sure the arch support is right for you and if you like minimal soles or air soles. Studies now are showing minimal soles are hard on your long term foot health. Be wary of that.
       d) If they don't work later, make sure you can return them. If not, make them your garden shoes or sell them on eBay.
       e) Keep in mind the heel fit and support to the balls of your feet. Heel to balls. And toes. Don't forget the piggies.

3) Keep the girls together. Think of them in a love nest snuggled together in a nice elastic hammock. Invest in a good exercise bra or two or three. Again, check closeouts and clearance sales. Unless you run around in your undies, no one is going to see it, so if it isn't your favorite color...no worries. It holds the girls up and in place to prevent you from having black eyes or stepping on them. Believe me, if you get them all tangled up in your stride and trip all over them, it's a disaster.

4) Workout clothes. Let's face it. We don't have to have the latest release from Nike to fit in or be capable of completing a great workout. T-shirts, shorts, spandex, or sweats. Pick your poison. Really, no one notices if you don't have "PINK" ass or "Just Do It" on your chest. If you have to have brand name clothes, then check out the clearance sales. Unless you have plenty of Ben Franks...then dole out those presidents. And match? Have you been to the gym? Great athletes don't care. If you have extra bucks and you want to matchy matchy...go for it. I will remain a fashion misstatement.

5)Cotton workout underwear. Vent that oven. You gotta let that furnace breathe. Good night. Humidity will equal infection, smell, and oozy whiz jizz. No one wants any of that, especially your partner. Then you have to get up all in there with a hairbrush when the itching starts, add some crème, and antibiotics. Yeck. Take care of the vagina.

The rest is all optional. Music, headbands, etc.

Now for all those in fear of a gym. Don't go! Go outside. Workout at home.

For those who are fearful of a gym but just have never set foot in one. Try it. You can always leave. Most places will let you have a free day or week. I am lucky to be able to earn a free yearly pass to a 40 million dollar facility. I could not afford a gym pass. If I am at home, I work out in my living room, garage, and run outside.

Fabulous Body Tips: for health and self-esteem=Squats, military or modified pushups and Crossfit sit ups in Tabatas.

A Tabata is a type of high intensity interval training which follows a specific format:
  • 10 sit ups, pushups, or squats, or a 20 second sprint for instance (20 seconds of an exercise) 
  • 10 seconds of rest
  • Repeat 8 times for a total of 4 minutes
The idea for Tabata training originated from the world of athletes.

CrossFit is designed to mold someone to their ultimate genetic potential. I was well on my way in 2011 and transformed myself in just three months. You don't have to be at the top to do it and you can modify the exercises to your fitness level. What else? It's free. Another thing? It's hard and a challenge. I felt like I was in the Olympics, but I felt so strong.

Go on the website if you do nothing else. Watch the games and see the strongest men and women in the world. Watch the videos on proper exercises.

Several exercises you can do without equipment. ..or you can substitute heavy objects like rocks, tires, or items you have with some weight to them. If you want some weights, I would suggest kettle bells. They are inexpensive and you only need one to start. You can do amazing shaping and strength training with them. There are multiple variations for several muscle groups. It's true everyone can have a six pack or ripped arms without looking like a beast or attain that JLO butt you desire.

Running has been a type of therapy for me which allows me to think, mentally relax while I am panting to death, and regain my strength. There are days where I have to crawl to the end, but no one ever complained they went to the gym after it was all said and done. I feel rejuvenated after a workout of any kind. It's not for everyone. Each individual has to find what makes them tick. It could be walking, horse back riding, skydiving, basketball, etc. Hobby your way to health if you prefer.

It's all wonderful and good.

Sweat makes muscles. Muscles keep your metabolism in check. They also hold up your bones.

I don't want to be crippled or unhealthy when I get older and I certainly have suffered in the last three years with medical problems which left me to the breaking point where I experienced pain every day. Did it cause me to eat buckets of ice cream? No. Have I eaten a bucket of ice cream before? You betcha and it was damn good. But it isn't good for me nor good to me.

Maybe you have heard things before...like..."well, if you just keep your head out of the fridge"...or "you just need to eat less and move more." Those are ugly words and really are meaningless, plus don't define most people. All that went through my head when I heard those things throughout my fat times was an instant defense mechanism and "shet yer mouth" or "you don't know me". Ugh. Never will any of that go through my head. There are some serious health problems in the US and just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they are eating buckets of ice cream. It could be many things, including buckets of ice cream. Judge not. Walk a mile in those stilettos, baby.

We are all judgy. It's just the way we are. I have been and probably will be a time or two.

But...look and think deeper. If the person is still an apparent nincompoop, then judge away.

If all else fails, you can buy boobs.

During the last three years, I did eat the wrong kind of foods and became unable to exercise. Some of this was processed food or foods made with refined sugar as part of an ingredient and items with preservatives and additives. Sugar is in almost everything. Check your labels. Bread, soups, salad dressings, pastas, peanut butters, etc. I am going out on a limb to say the food industry probably puts sugar in everything so you get addicted to crack and keep buying more and more. It's my story.

Prolonging medical attention was not smart on my behalf; hindsight is 20/20. With them addressed, I am on the mend. I feel great and forward thinking to the point I have gotten into races. Now, these are expensive. On a gnat's budget, I have been able to select some which are within reach. Our university hosts free ones or reduced prices. Races in your area are less expensive than traveling, although isn't that nice to have a mini vacation? 5Ks are less than marathons, but your skill level might not be challenged if you constantly clean house at 5Ks but are more suited to marathon level. Again, you have to evaluate what is important to you and your budget. Maybe you only enter that one race.

My final advise-challenge yourself!

I have poo pooed much of what many of you might be thinking or saying to yourself or even grumbling out loud. Just be happy in your own skin. That is what is important most of all for your mental health. Fuel your body as if it is a machine and think of food as energy not a crutch or a medication for stress or depression. This thought alone changed my ways. If you can...eat fresh.

You are the only one who can decide what is best for you and what makes you happy. If you do follow some of my experiences, be consistent. You can't quit after two weeks. You can't stop making fresh food after a month. It's a lifestyle. I'm still learning myself.

You're going to poop green.

You're going to have the runs.

You are going to feel defeated.

You will rise up past this point and have that "aha moment."

Then you will still poop green followed by some butt explosions.

Your butt will even out.

You will have mental clarity.

Your body will become a machine....well, minus any cool flying bullets and fire.

Live well!


  1. Momma Fargo:
    You have a treasure trove of great information regarding health and fitness.

    Sadly, at my age, it doesn't amount to a hill of beans.
    I am addicted to Dr. Pepper...sorry.
    And I love (good) pizza...sorry.

    I pretty much eat what I want, but I don;t overdo any of it...that's something I was raised with (mainly because we didn't have enough to squander or waste)...lol.
    Still, it DOES come down to what works for YOU (i.e. each of us).
    And being okay with that is the objective.

    Good post.

    Roll safe down there.

  2. IF I was younger, I'd swear I wrote this post. I went all gung-ho and actually got great guns and was well on my way to a firm six pack to match my tight thighs. Then the doc went into serious spasms and yelled "STOP THAT! You've had four abdominal surgeries and will give yourself a hernia!"

    Color me pissed. Then diabetes struck. If I had been any healthier, I would have had a heart attack or a stroke.

    Now, sneezing throws my back out. Stepping into the tub gives me a charlie horse. Trust me when I say that growing old WILL happen, no matter what you try. BUT DON'T STOP TRYING. You might be the one who makes it into your 60s with nothing falling apart.

  3. IF I was younger, I'd swear I wrote this post. I went all gung-ho and actually got great guns and was well on my way to a firm six pack to match my tight thighs. Then the doc went into serious spasms and yelled "STOP THAT! You've had four abdominal surgeries and will give yourself a hernia!"

    Color me pissed. Then diabetes struck. If I had been any healthier, I would have had a heart attack or a stroke.

    Now, sneezing throws my back out. Stepping into the tub gives me a charlie horse. Trust me when I say that growing old WILL happen, no matter what you try. BUT DON'T STOP TRYING. You might be the one who makes it into your 60s with nothing falling apart.