Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Send In The Clowns

My daughter asked me just the other day if I was still blogging about her. I truthfully (using that word signifies a lie is about to come after it) told her not much and not recently because she was boring.

BUG: Mom, I really hate it when you tell people I'm bad.

ME: Well, don't be bad. I figure public shaming is within the code of the law these days, although pretty much any else has been removed from acceptable standards of parenting. Soon, they will take away public shaming because it will be regulated by cyber bullying laws. Then I will go to jail. You will starve and have rags for clothes. No makeup. You will eat processed food. 

She was none too pleased about this.

This morning, aliens came at about 0530 EST and took Bug away and replaced her with something else. It was like having a clown in your closet or being chased by Chuckie. It started with her yelling every word at me and I telling her to stop being disrespectful and no back talking.

The pout.

The stomp around the house.

It continued to be a miserable morning. Sometime around 0548 EST, eye liner flew into my face and hit me in the eye. It was attached to a teenager. I lost my shit. Mad could not describe it. I even brought up how the juvenile center was real close by and would be on my way to work.

My lecture of knowledge and respect did nothing but bounce off the alien force field but at least I got glares and pursed lips while spewing my rocking parenthood words. I was even impressed with the lack of curse words I used.

As soon as I got to work, I googled how to parent a mouthy teen.  I know. I'm such a loser.

I figured my learned behavior from childhood of wooden spoons, brooms, fly swatters, spatulas, and sheet rock walls was probably outdated, although effective.

Empowering Parents said, "If you don't respond to a behavior and give it power, the more likely that it will become extinct; it's going to die out like dinosaurs."

Bull. Pucky. Shit.

What the fuck? This is what is not right in the world. Pussy parenting. I couldn't read much more of that nonsense, but did scroll down where the writer said she was not going to talk about abusive and derogatory remarks from children. Wow. Thank you for the dinosaur statements. 

There was a link which took me to this: 

"Verbal abuse and intimidation by children and teens isn't just a phase that goes away; it doesn't "just happen." It often has deep roots that begin very early in a child's development. In this article, I'm going to show you how your child's abusive behavior may have evolved. It should be noted that there are times when kids can get very mouthy as a reaction to stress, chaos, or even as part of the developmental stage they're going through. Then next week, I'll show you what you can do to stop it."

So, apparently, next week I will know how to stop Bug's bad behavior. In the meantime, I will just have to suck it up or drink. And I love how they like to foster ideas in your head by "deep roots" in a child's early development. Fuck me in the ass.

I was a detective until she was 7 and so I either have to blame myself for not being there enough or her dad for being there. She was a great kid until 13. This is shit. So I aimed to investigate further. Someone on the interwebs has to have the magic potion. 

Lucky for me that article was old, so I found next week's solutions revealed. First, they gave a scenario...

"You are such a bITCh. I hate you! I don't care if you say I can't go over to Jake's house, I'm going anyway-and you'd better not try to stop me."-Ben, Age 14, to his mother

I filled in the "ITC" because obviously it was a censored article which was really not going my way because it was redacted like Hillary Clinton's emails. Well, it was ridiculous. The solution was to have problem solving conversations with your child. 

Yeah. That's been working. 

Let's start with child refuses to look at her mother who is talking to her. Enter turn face toward the mother. This is countered by frowny face and slapping mom's hands. 

Really? Fuckers. YOU.ARE.STUPID. The rest of the article dealt with parents who were scared or intimidated of their child.


I am scared of jail because the instant thoughts going through my head are back hands and ninja moves. Stupid psychologists. What good are they anyway?

The end of the article gave parents no hope or the wrong hope because it said "take some risks". What the fuck? Parents are afraid to deal with their children? What risks? I decided this site was dumb.

I surfed some more to find you should send your mouthy teen aged daughter off to summer camp. Does sending her to her dad's for summer visitation count?

I like all the articles I read started with "stay calm." Too late, muddafuckars. I already think my head has spun around backwards a bazillion times. Consequences? She doesn't care. I had her set up for counseling and they tell me she is fine. Oh yeah. She is that good. She is me. 

Plus, she is good for everyone except me. She even admits it. She gets A's in school, is in the Honor Society, plays volleyball, reads, is an exceptional artist, kind to animals. That last one is important because I didn't want to raise a serial killer. 

Oh, Fargo, battle her tantrums like your own. I did. I tried chocolate. It's temporary. I can't give her beer. It gets me in jail. 

This article by Every Day Life cracked me the hell up, "Mouthing off is your teen girl's dysfunctional way of trying to be heard. You can teach her that she'll actually be heard much more effectively when she communicates in a healthier way. Show her that you're genuinely interested in learning her perspective, feelings, and opinions. You might say, "I'm interested in hearing why you need to stay out past your curfew on Saturday night." This way, she'll learn to put her feelings into words more skillfully. Show that you respect her working with you and being open to compromise. By remaining flexible, you demonstrate that you're willing to honor her needs while setting limits. You might say, "OK, you can stay out an hour past your curfew, but that's it."

Who the fuck are you? Do you have kids? Hell to the no.

She will learn that she can articulate and manipulate anything the way she wants. I'm not GUMBY. 

My favorite thing to say when Bug goes off with all her drama is, "BUT DID YOU DIE?"

She gets real mad when I say that.

I know. I'm learning her how to be a sarcastic bitch like her mother. 

I like it when she throws the Bible at me or Christian values. I'm like, "Yeah? You know they caned people back then. Exiled them. Banished. Boom. Gone. Didn't even send them off with a goat. Sometimes they sold the girls off. And, I mean look at Jesus, he got crucified."

She did not like my responses. None. What.So. Evah.

Jesus probably didn't like me using those things in that context either. 

I like my replies, but I am surely going to read somewhere you should not talk with sarcasm back to a mouthy teenager because you are only teaching her it's OK to be a smart ass. 

I have asked my mother how she did it on occasion and she just giggles. I'm like! WTF, Mom? Not really. She doesn't like the 'f" word. But she tells me nothing. I was a perfect child. I think she is punishing me by remaining silent. 

USA Today had this to say, ":The best way for parents to react to sassy statements is not to get angry but to remind their teens who they are, Kendrick says. Parents might say something like, " You are really trying to hurt my feelings here. I don't understand it. You are a better person than that."

I'm not making this shit up.

It's really out there for anyone to read on the Internet.

I'm banging my head here. Are all the parents and parent advicers left in the world a bunch of nincompoops? Wait. I don't want to know the answer to that.

Later in the article by USA Today, this appeared, "Adolescents often communicate in action rather than words. If a child comes in and throws down his backpack, it might be a way of saying, "I have such a heavy load to carry." Their backpack is a metaphor for their lives, Lamia says."

(Yeah...that's it. Fuck me. Seriously? Where do they find they wonderbrains? Crackerjack?)

Oh, it continues...

"If the backpack lands on the ground, parents shouldn't scream: "Don't leave your backpack in the hallway." Instead the parent might say in a matter-of-fact voice, "Looks like you have a heavy load. Let's put it in your room."

Let me translate: The mother picks up the backpack and puts it in the kid's room. Trained mother. The kid thinks, "Yep. I know how to work it."

Oy. My head hurts from all this bullshit. I'm like..."Oh hell to the no. No, get the hell out. Don't be throwing down your stuff in anger. Take your backpack and go. Try it again the right way. Enter the house, say, "Hi, mom!" and then put it away."

Yeah. I wouldn't do that shit either.

I'd be like all ghetoo and throw that backpack in the front yard and tell her to get walking until she finds an attitude adjustment.

Not really.


These are the thoughts in my head that I don't act out. It's a good thing they never come to fruition.

I have an all different perspective on those actions described in the USA Today piece:

When she throws her backpack down, she is discarding it in anger because she is lazy and a slob. This part is true. I try. But I can't convince her to be clean. I even told her bugs would be crawling up her nose in that room at night. It did nothing. Showing her the mold in her dishes she left up there, nothing. If I give any direction which I should not have to because she knows her responsibilities and chores ( oh good grief-she does occasional dishes, laundry, and takes out the garbage-I don't have a Cinderella-she was nicer anyway). If I do talk to her about doing chores before play, she puts her hands on her hips, rolls her eyes, and says, "I will get to it when I get to it."

Yep. Fuming mad I get. I have to walk away and redirect myself.

I think she would really like to kill me with Jujitsu but she knows I have ninja moves.

And martial arts training is done with a smile. She acts out her frustration with me physically at times and I am tired of countering it with armbars. She has some issues going on about the divorce and feeling like 2nd rate with her dad who she starves for attention but feels she doesn't get enough from him, but I can't make her talk to a counselor to benefit her. I can't even convince her to talk to her dad about it. If she plays the games, her problems will fester. And I continue to be the punching bag. She has told me it is because I will love her no matter what. It is true. I can't deny that. And again, it is all my fault. Because she says so. I wasn't good enough.

I want to make her watch Chuckie. That little shit (Chuckie) scares me to death. Or clowns. I might put clowns in her room.

Again...these are just ideas.

If I go to, I can buy a book that is titled: Have a New Teenager By Friday.

This might be promising. Or-this might be too late. 

I wonder if there is an exchange program.

-The Momster


  1. I’m sorry, but going to the web for any parenting advice is the worst thing you can do. You cannot parent by what some prissy-ass psychologist says. Every child is different… not a norm. The family teaching and disciplining started going to hell with Dr. Spock. When she mouths off, bounce her head off the wall. Get in her face with spittle flying and tell her she WILL NOT talk to you like that. Tell her what a pos her dad is and has nothing to do with her as a person. It is him. She must learn to look deep inside her for the great person she has the potential to be. She is using him as an excuse to be a brat.

    Make a point by taking away her tv, radio, computer, and clothes. You paid for them, not her. Give her one set of clothes to wear to school and one set to wash for the next day. Give her a Spartan lifestyle and make her earn back her stuff by showing respect and control.

    Though love does work. It works in the military, it works on the police force and it works in the family. You have to be strong and consistent.

    And you are welcome. Come back next week for more parenting advice and no need to pay me now. I’ll put a bill in the mail. Or we could work something out in trade.

  2. Momma Fargo:
    Coffey's right...going to the Internet to find ANSWERS only has you asking MORE questions...
    (aside from all the bullshit-for-advice crap they toss around).
    I just remember how my parents brought me up...Didn't have to tell me more than once (well, as a teen, maybe thrice)
    And God help you if you sassed back...then the barber strop came out.

    I parents were BARBARIANS...HA!
    No...they were just PARENTS...period.

    And the lessons I learned the hard way served me well growing up and still to this day...I don't forget.

    Some things have to taught the HARD way.

    Screw the "pussy-parenting" as you call it.
    (love that phrase).

    Stay strong.
    And roll safe down there, Kiddo.