Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Kale! Kale! The Gang's All Here!

I have opted for spinach. Why?

Because putting chard and kale in my salad sounds so uptown and I'm a downtown kind of girl.

Besides, the names sound like toxic waste. At least everyone can associate spinach with Popeye and strong arms which overshadow the rest of your body.

Here's my arm:

Yep. That's me with a little help from some anonymous bicep model on Pinterest.

Additionally, chard and kale are more expensive. It's because they are "in". When they go out, they will be worthless. I used to be more expensive on K Street when I was "in" than I am now on Main Street. Most people think I am a mother looking for their lost daughter who became a prostitute. They're like: "she ain't here, woman. Go somewhere else. You mucking up our business. " I tell them, "I'm working here, you slouch."

Not really.

I think chard and kale are just a fad anyway.

Most people who eat are snobs and put it on their Facebook page like every day.

I asked my doctor about the "magic" of kale. You know what she said? They're just another leafy green vegetable. We didn't tell the kale followers because the kale farmers would suffer and all those who thought miracles struck their bodies from choking down kale smoothies would surely die right there in the street. I didn't want to be responsible.

And kale chips. Really? Give me a break. Throw me that sack of potatoes.

Yeah. I use kale as an garnish for my big fat juicy steak.

Yep. Super appetizing. Check this out. It looks like Popeye threw up on my greens:

You can't tell me to dry up those shrivelled little leaves and add salt, maybe some olive oil and you have the magic snack? Bullshit. You got crunchy seaweed. And you need a pitchfork to get that out of your teeth. It's really a bother.

I'm pretty sure I read it will make your butt plump and firm like JLo's, your hair silky, your mouth froth,  and your skin glow like moonlit sand on a sweet summer night on the beach on Bite My Ass Island. I also want to tell you that you will be surrounded by Shemar Moore, Ryan Gosling, Dwayne Johnson, Channing Tatum, Michael Ealy, and Sean Connery. All naked. Except Sean. He will be wearing a kilt.


So eat kale.

1 comment:

  1. Momma Fargo:
    Well, blow me down...Popeye chucked on yer greens???

    I prefer fresh spinach, too...with lots of shrooms (the LEGAL kind), tomato, shredded cheese, croutons ("flavored"stale chunks of bread)amd LOTS of dressing (Catalina, french, or thousand island (Italian if none of the aforementioned).

    I;m probably the ONLY person who makes a salad that is NOT weight-reducing"...LOL.
    (sue me, I like it)

    Crunchy thanks.

    Stay safe down there, dear.