Sunday, May 17, 2015

House Sweat

Today was the first day I have really felt the humidity in the South. Schweaty balls season has kicked in and with the moisture we are getting, it is only going to get worse. This increases the air density by 5,000 magnitrillion which makes it thick and you need ninja skills to even pass through it. it's like MAGMA.

Plus, everything hair matches the old lady boobs which I don't recognize as mine...except I can't tuck my hair in my pants because it isn't long enough. So my hair really doesn't match my boobs at all.

Of course, there is no breeze to give you relief from the blast of thickness.

All was quiet because we were all hot and lethargic in the Harry Potter House until...

The Bug shrieked and told me to come upstairs immediately, saying we had a water leak. It was one of those days. We just survived death by near tornado and now the house was leaking.

She was yelling the whole time and if not yelling it was banshee screeching, or she was calling me on her phone from upstairs. I really hate the teenager stage because they get captured by aliens at 13.  I haven't seen her since. The substitute is going to be the death of me. Really. I really miss her. It's like a death only not like the death of me but others. You know what I mean. I mourn for my baby. Who was nice and sweet and never had a hormone.

"What do you want? What is going on with your yelling?'

"Mom, get up here quickly! The house is leaking!"

Grumble, grumble. Up the stairs I went. She met me halfway.

"Look up. The water is running down the wall."

Well, I knew exactly what I was seeing. It was condensation caused by the humidity and it was running down the walls. My realtor had told me about the Indiana humidity when I viewed the house before purchase and I had commented there was a water problems somewhere. I lived in Wyoming. There is zero humidity. How was I supposed to know? Yeah. I felt dumb.

I smiled.

 Bug had fallen for the same trick. It really hadn't shown up in the last couple years. This was the first she had witnessed so naturally, it looked like water running down the wall.

"Yep. That's not a leak. But you might want to stop screaming and yelling."

"It is a leak! Look at it!"

"It's house sweat. The realtor told me houses sweat out toxic emotions when they are this old. It is triggered by whatever goes on inside the home. Haven't you seen enough scary movies to know when things leak out of the walls that the house is trying to tell you something?"

"What? No. Mom, that is not funny. What?"

"Yeah. I suggest you stop screaming in this house and it will stop sweating once things are at an even keel again."

"Mom, I am so creeped out! I can't stay here! This is scary!" Fake crying and stomping. Well, the stomping was real.

"Well, I suggest you stop your emotional nonsense, yelling, and stomping. You must keep the house happy."

"What do I do? What do I do? OH. Why do I have all the bad things happen?"

Yes, that was a Momster thing to do. It was horrible. Unspeakable.

Maybe I went a little too far.

Nah. I was going to see if she changed her ways.

Ok. Not really.

I had to tell her the truth about 30 minutes later.

I realized then I had made a mistake as she screamed at me for being so mean. I shouldn't have told her the truth. Sometimes parents should lie. I'm going to be like Jamie Foxx and blame it on the alcohol. You can have so much fun with wine!

I liked it better quiet. I'm going to have to come up with something new.


  1. I love it. "Stop screaming in this house and it will stop sweating". How could you possibly recant?

    And something that has bothered me since I was a weee lad. You do know that your current state hasn't been in the "mid west" since the mid 1800's, right? Today Kansas is the middle of the nation, so Wyoming/Idaho would be the mid west. You are living in the middle east.


  2. Handcuffs and a gag while stuffed in a closet pretty much guarantees silence.

  3. Momma Fargo:
    Off the top, I'd opt for a you get some free

    Our central A/C (and furnace in the winter) tends to dry everything out...sometimes TOO well.
    Maybe we could fashion a "trade...a little humidity for some cooling air?
    (how the hell do I get it in the damn 2 ltr bottles??)

    BTW, I like Coffey's idea whenever a banshee comes

    Roll safe down there, dear.