Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Strangals

Strangals is my word. The derivative of the word is strange. It is defined as those strange thoughts and concepts, questions of life. It is not meant to be confused with strangles. Stranglers are bad criminal people or Wranglers which are too tight and create nutters, a squishing of the balls; jeans which strangle the family jewels.

Anyway...some things to ponder are a comin'. They are random processees which go through my head at, yes, random times. Some times they are from opportunity arising and other times, I just think of weird shit.

So randomly thinking...

I've been on both sides of the pendulum of body compositions....the ones which tip the scale to the right and the ones on that scale who kiss the clouds of weightlessness. It's my genetics to have to fight to be healthy. I was never born a skinny bitch. Damn you, genetics.

This latter stage of health called Old Age...Eat Lean Poop Green...is the most difficult. I have to run at least 8 miles a day and do CrossFit or strength training to keep any sort of muscle mass going and then after the day is done, I look like a Parkinson's patient. That is no lie. And it's painful.

To. WALK.

Who in the world thought it was cool to force old people to do Olympian workouts just to be able to walk without dimples or creaking in the knees? I'm talking to you, God.

I will be the first to admit, I see a Rascal in my future.

Photo credit: theleek.com

It is somewhat surprising the discrimination against fat people and old people...so if you are both...watch out. It's not a fun ride. Sometimes the difference between skinny and fat is a miss versus a ma'am. Other times, it is a door slammed in your face versus one with a handsome young man holding it open for you.

The Eat Lean Poop Green movement has changed the face of groceries and the way people view you. If you aren't fresh, you get a snarl. If you eat frozen lean meals at work...a big "ew" beholds you. I am one of those who now has to eat fresh, but I certainly don't turn my nose up at "the others" nor do I brag about my meals or green poop at work.

It just is what it is.

Believe me, if I could get away with frozen coconut ice cream cicles right now, I would.

Now that my body is used to these leafy substances and crispy critters, I have to be careful. Even the wrong coffee can send the body into butt convulsions of the third kind. It isn't fun trying to get back to ground zero with your regulation.

Just today I had that annual exam thingy and had to explain all this to the doctor. He is a nice doctor with a good sense of humor which I appreciate. I would not go to a serious va-jay-jay doctor. That would just be weird.

Apparently, asking certain questions of the va-jay-jay doctor is inappropriate especially if he has a student with him. For instance...questions NOT to ask..

1) Just what makes a person want to look at va-jay-jays all day? Money right?
2) Do you ever have to go in there with your nose plugged or hold your breath?
3) I never know if Brazilians are good or should I have a full on golf course fairway for ya?
4) Do you think you could provide those nice towelette wipey thingys for us? Fresh is best, right?
5) When you ask if anything is new are you referring to my sexual activity or creepy crawly things down there? Because the woman cave has bats right now. No action. Zero.
6) Could you have a bathroom in every exam room? By the time you get in here I have a full bladder and stand back if you press on there...cuz the dam be broke at my age. When I have to go I have to go.
7) I mean, really, do you go through high school thinking that you want to examine hoohahs for the rest of your life? You could just have gone to strip clubs.
8) Does your wife ever get jealous? Like for reals?
9) I bet you see some nasty stuff, right? But not me, right?
10) Do you ever get uncomfortable doing this? I mean, it's the delivering baby part that is cool, right?

Yes.

OK.

And a little advice for the Eat Lean Poop Green lifestyle? Eat lots of fresh (not cooked) leafy greens because your body works more to digest and burns more calories, less waste. Plus...it turns your poop green. It's really cool. And when you are hungry, reach for apples. They fill me up. Plus...they take a long time to digest and sit there like a rock. You don't want anything. Ever. Like even water.

No more strangals for me. I'm to bed. BTW...the bats hang upside down in the cave at night.

Haha. Not really.

There might be cobwebs in there, tho.

Not that you really wanted to know.

Yeah.

I have no idea.

Going to sleep now.

2 comments:

  1. I'm not one who likes defoliation of the woman parts. I like a full healthy forest growth that at times, in certain areas, looks like a rainforest But I wouldn't turn down a desert scapeing either. I can't afford to be choosey. If Judy would let me that is. And if I had the chance, I would come to you with some dust spray and a rage to clean out the cave... oh, and bats fly at night.

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  2. That should have been rag, not rage. I don't rage... except at Liberals.

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