Sunday, April 19, 2015

Potty Training

The Murphis has a new trick. Not this next one, but one later I will talk about in grave detail. No, that word was not a mistake.

First, he thinks he is a person. He bats at me to get my attention. He pushes my butthole with his nose to get me to the grub because according to him at certain times it is din din time. Whodathunk the bung was a steering wheel?

He jumps on me and hugs my neck with his paws. Not that I get upset at the attention, I just don't want him getting in the habit of jumping up on people. Could you imagine if I were to meet an important dignitary and he would jump up and snag a silk suit or cashmere sweater? Heavens to Mergatroid! I definitely would be placed in super secret lock down. My vagina wouldn't even see the light of day.

I've been talking a lot about vagina issues lately. Not that I have one (yes-vagina, no-issue(s)), but it is a topic of discussion around the house. I have been telling Bug to use better hygiene down there and she isn't too keen on hearing it. I'm not trying to prepare her for being presentable as a court prospect, but strictly concerned of her medical welfare and vagina health as a woman.
We do not discuss this, although I can imagine it leaves a burning sensation.

Nothing gets her in super scrubber mode than the word, INFECTION. Workouts cause condensation problems which grow mold. Teenagers also don't scrub up all in there. Well, I don't watch her, and I don't smell it, but I do laundry. No visuals. I mean, my teenager is not like other vagina hygiene violators in the sense that she is very clean but we can't be too careful and I really don't want to expose kiddo skid problems but they happen and momsters should not broadcast them on the internet. It's embarrassing.

On occasion, Murphy will give her a butt nudge and I tell her it's time to wash because he is doing Mimsy checks. She screams at me during these moments. I think screaming is her mechanism of defense against her annoying mother. BTW... Mimsy sounds so much more ladylike than vagina and I need all the help I can get. I got that new word from Coffeypot. He posted a most amusing meme on Faceplant and now I have new words. 
There.I stole it. Now you can enjoy it too. Thanks, John!

This daily jog down my ordinary life lane has been diverted. I was initially talking about Murphy's new tricks.

We must interrupt vagina hygiene to get back to the new dog tricks.

Anydetour, Murphy has learned to lift the toilet lid and drink from the bowl of the Porcelain god. It's gross. Even though it is clean water, he is gross. This isn't his new trick.

See, sometimes we babysit the boss's dog. While drinking from the flush, he has taught the baby to do the same, only since the baby is small, the baby gets itself all the way inside the toilet. Then, once Murphy is finished, he shuts the lid.

We could not find the baby. Like. Anywhere.

After about 32 minutes of panic attacks, a small whine was heard in all the land. Fourteen more minutes of panic attacks and Bug discovered the baby in the toilet. Of course, the baby was soaking wet, dripping of zee toilette watairre. That's French for toilet water. Nice touch, Murph.

This became a regularly scheduled event and we pretty much figured Murphy was an assassin. I'm not sure if he misunderstood waterboarding school. I'm also certain he was dropped by CIA spies and must have flunked out of spy training. They don't keep you if you are cute. Nor do they want you if you think waterboarding involves a toilet. Only ugly people who have stone faces who wear tweed coats and carry hankies can be spies. Murphy has a 60's shag rust coat. Plus he's cute.


The boss came to pick up his dog.

We didn't mention anything.

A few days later,  an interesting story was to be told at work. It seems the baby gets all up in the toilet now and gets stuck in there and couldn't be found for quite some time. Who would think to look in the toilet for a dog?

DA BOSS: I wonder how that happens? I mean, what dog does that? Why?

ME: I have no idea.


  1. "Murph the Baptist"..wonderful. There may be a song or book in that.


  2. I'm glad Murphy hasn't learned to flush the damn thing. I guess during visiting times the bathroom door should be shut and locked with a deadbolt (you never know how smart those K-9's can be.)

  3. "Murph the Baptist"...ROFL!

    Good thing that toilet wasn't one of those "touch" models we see in those commercials.

    You'd think if one manages to find a way INTO the water closet, they should also figure how to get OUT.
    Agreed w. Coffey...CLOSE the door.

    Stay safe down there, dear..