Thursday, April 9, 2015

Coffee Trots

I really hate to talk about poo, but it seems to be the thing to do when you reach my age. I am pretty sure I vowed never to talk about regularity or my aches and pains when I was younger because that is all OLD people do.

Well, poop. Shit.

After adjusting the Eat Lean, Poop Green lifestyle plan to all organic...I have experienced some...let's say...setbacks. The toxins are exiting quickly and being replaced with wholesome foods minus any preservatives and additives. I'm pretty sure I understand why rabbits poo so much now and why cows get the runs.

Let me just say it out loud and matter of factly...

I hate it when you get the coffee trots and rush to the restroom, do your thing...only to return to your desk to begin sweating because another tidal wave is coming. You quickly exit and do the shuffle scoot down the hallway to the ladies' room. Bolting into the lavatory in hopes there is an empty stall amongst 22,000 college students (not all girls) is stressful and adds to the pucker. What if I have to go the basement or the 2nd floor or the 3rd floor? And then...relief...there is an open stall calling you like St. Peter to the Pearly Gates. You have to also account time for the mult-layered butt barrier made of toilet paper (gobs of it) so as not to contract diseases. Why? Because you can't hover when you have coffee trots or it will back blow all over the place. That is not a pretty sight. Not that I have ever seen or done that, I just imagine it to be really gross.

And don't forget to account for the acidic odor.

There is not enough powder in any powder room in this world to combat a green salad and Colombian bean explosion.

Maybe it was due to my recent ingestion of Sabra hummus. Nah. That was a couple weeks ago.

I blame the Colombians.

Don't forget to wipe. And good. Lots. Many times. Look at your toilet paper to make sure. When it comes clean, your bum is ready to go back to work.

It's never a one and done.

I used a whole roll.

And don't leave the stall until all are gone. You don't want anyone to know you did that.

Don't worry, they will evacuate quickly from the noise. It's like aiming less lethal bouncy balls at a bunch of cops. They know what that means.


For the love of air...stay out of the student center for a few hours.


  1. Momma Fargo:
    Can't say I have bouts of the "trotskys"...usuallty the reverse.
    (and that's why I LOVE bran flakes!)


    Next life, make sure you become a GASTROENTEROLOGIST!.

    Roll safe down there, dear.

  2. Hey Momma Fargo;

    One word for you......"Courtesy flush...." I wish I could add a pic to this comment that I have that would suit you just fine.

    Trust me...".I used to work for the government and I am here to help you..."