Friday, March 6, 2015

Face Yerself and Erotic Subtext

I feel like I am on fire because I am running again. The broken neck dealio gave me oodles of setbacks emotionally and physically. I was probably a psychologist's protege patient but just didn't realize how much so. They just get those degrees to figure themselves out. We have to pay them so they tell us the same thing they figured out for themselves. Well, only if we are as crazy as they are. I would not know.

Now with the physical therapy and medications, I feel positive and full of life. My daughter has noticed it as well. There is one drawback to all of this. With your eyes open, you really LOOK. I HAVE AGED. Oh my gosh. When did that happen? Poop. Shit.

I'm no Christy Brinkley
You know JLO looks better with age. Well, duh, but you know what I mean. She has the body
that won't stop and nice skin and nice hair and looks 25. You want to hate her but she seems to be so nice you can't do it. So you just admire her booty.

So now I am frantically working on turning back the clock like they do on television but I swear those creams and natural processes don't work. Beer on my hair made me want to drink. Avocado on my face made me want to hate Mexican food. I can never look at another cucumber again thinking, "How long was that on a face? Do they have a spa in the back? Are those re-run cucumbers?"

Yeah. It makes me look at food a whole 'nother way.

Photo credit: Pinterest

I also have been indulging in my favorite Chinese tea which I have drank for decades. One time, ICE (immigration and customs) took down my supplier at a local spa place. I was none too happy and told them it was crap. I was not afraid. They were my friends and colleagues. Rest assured, it was not an illegal substance per say in the ingredients, but there was an issue with custom and tariffs not being paid. It sounded a lot like a tea party. Anyway, I was really miffed because I couldn't find anything similar. Now, you can buy it on Amazon, so they must have fixed that problem. I ordered it. Thank Jesus it is cheap. Of course, it is in Chinese and I can't read it so for all I know I am drinking bear penis. Luckily, one of my friends and colleagues is Chinese. She is the cutest, tiniest thing at 90 pounds. I asked her to interpret the words on the box. She laughed. Like. For. A. Long. Time.

"What? What does it say?"

She would just shake her head.

"Come on, Lin, what does it say?"

"It says it is plenty for weight loss and makes a good, clean woman."

"I get the weight loss. What does the other mean? Does it affect my vagina? I will have clean vagina?"

She laughed again.


"Gets rid of gum disease?"


"Well, I was trying to interpret in Chinese thought."

"It cleans you out. You know, the restroom. Thus, clean. Like your organs. It probably helps with weight loss that way, like a diuretic. "

"Oh. Rats. I was hoping I wouldn't have to wash or douche ever again."

"What is a douche?"

"An idiot or really contemptible person. It is usually a man. Kind of like we call women 'bitches'. It's a man bitch."

"Oh. Ok"

"You don't get it. I know, my Chinese friend, when you are not understanding and being nice, you say-Oh, OK and nod and smile."

It's true. They are polite and they think we Americans are a little dramatic and sensational in our expressions.

"I don't understand how it applies to your woman parts?"

"Well, it is an American thing I would have to take hours to explain. We can do coffee."


So, over my almost half-century life (cough, cough), I have tried tons of toxic waste remedies and probably blown more than my fair share of funds on beauty regiments and products. I have drank the teas. I bought toilet water knowing full well I could have dipped a ladle in my latrine. I have entwined myself in Syran wrap trying to melt off pounds. It's true. It didn't work either. I even did it more than once. I did learn one lesson. If you grease yourself first, you won't have a Brazilian wax job done by Syran wrap when you take it off. Believe me, when you aren't expecting a Brazilian, you don't have time to brace yourself. Zowie! Unless you use the cheap stuff and it doesn't stick. But in order to have complete and ultimate water loss you should use the good stuff. Why risk it? I mean, if you want to be a cocoon for an hour, you should be the best you can be.

Back to the stick and peel crotch problem. You could also start with a cleared runway and avoid the pube ripping experience all together. Not that anyone cares, but I have found I prefer an empty nest if you know what I mean. Think of a bush in winter. There are no leaves. Yeah. That doesn't make sense either. It's a bald beaver. It makes for better hygiene plus if I ever have sex again, it makes much better contact.

Kind of like this only different.

Moving upward.

What have I found to work the best for my face? Natural soaps on my face with an organic moisturizer. Call me crazy, but it is true and cheap. I first found a success with my friends' products ( I have two friends, Angel and Cheryl who make wonderful products) and then my sister-in-law gave me some of her homemade soap. It is so wonderful for my problem skin, I can't tell you. All these things are great. I should know because I had a retail store and my products were quality. I still love Caldrea's spa line and Tokyo Milk. Archapelago has some wonderful selections as well. Man, I need to go back into market buying and whew! running a shop is great fun. I could go on but that would be a wall of marketing text only giving joy to myself while boring the hell out of every reader.

I should say I am not doing a review of these products nor was paid to say anything...but just passing on good information based upon my experiences. I researched and tested many products before I purchased them for my shop.

Over the years, I have found the best way to maintain soft, healthy BODY skin (not face skin because they are different-just watch Silence of the Lambs if you don't believe me) is to put baby oil all over after you shower. Simple. Cheap. I prefer the Cocoa Butter scented from Johnson & Johnson, but any of them will work. Lotions become just a scent preference and texture thing after that and not so much of a medical issue to stop the itching and cracking.

You can't beat a pedicure and seriously, I think they are necessary for healthy feet. No kidding. Massaging, paraffin dips, keeping your toenails healthy, and salt scrubs are good for the lower extremities. You betcha. Besides you have sexy feet. My budget does not allow me to get crazy with these like when I was in Wyoming. I would go every two weeks. Now, I try to budget one a month, but sometimes that isn't always doable so I have to do them myself. This sucks monkey ballz and is not nearly the fun. Besides I can't keep up on my Chinese or Vietnamese when I do it myself.

I just recently went to the nail salon and when I walked in the door, Hong accosted me. He is the manager. I do love me some Hong. He is a doll.

"Hah! Miz Lyn (short for Kathryn) lon tine no see. You leave os lon tine. No goo! Get in heyah. Loo at eye blauws. They one. I spect yo naze be bahd too. Sham."

Well, yes to all of that. So I fixed it, anyway, until next time when he tells me the same stuff.

Getting your eye brows done by Vietnamese women is no joke. I think it is about as much fun as getting gunny sacked at the mall by ISIS and carted off to a dark corner for torture with steel instruments. Unfortunately, it is a necessity of beauty. I could continue life looking like Zach Galifianakis but who wants to do that?

Photo credit: Pinterest
Well, know what?

These cucumbers aren't that bad...

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