Monday, February 16, 2015

The Tale of Two Planets

Valentine's Day historically repeated itself only worse than normal. No need to go into any details. I think maybe my first husband wasn't so bad after all. No, not really.

I cried. I got emotional. It was dumb. It's still dumb. Valentine's Day is not supposed to bleed over into Monday. Ok. I'm over it. Final answer.

My mom was good to me and it lifted my spirits. Moms are great. I got three Happy Valentine's messages from some nice male friends who gave a damn that the day was a plague for me. It was awesome. My dogs cuddled with me. That was super awesome. If I could make a career out of cuddling with my dogs all day, I would. All the while watching The Walking Dead would make it more so blissful.

So here are my ingenious thoughts worthy of you if you read it. If you don't read it, you are not worthy. Oooh, that is a double edged sword.

I learn from my mistakes. I pass them onto you in hopes you will not repeat mine:


1. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. This is a scientific fact. There is also a book by the same name, toting the scientific facts. Good read. It should be a textbook.

2. Please order dessert, I am full. A statement used to often describe how us women sound like and portray ourselves to men. Be clear. Be truthful. If you want to go full hog on a piece of cake, own it. Order the fucking cake. Otherwise, shut your mouth and say "no thank you." Don't make a man guess you want dessert. Don't bring it up later.

3. Men like a classy slut. In other words, they want their woman to be elegant and classy in public, but a slut in the bedroom. Don't confuse the two.

4. The hunt is more thrilling than the kill. In other words, once they have you and take you down with the ship...make you feel all this commitment, it sometimes isn't. Not unless they put a ring on it. Sometimes it is a game. If you stop becoming "mysterious" or "exciting" and they run...then they did not want companionship. They did not really want to know you THAT well. Then you became normal and ordinary or even crazy. They toyed with you because you were fun and exciting to them. They definitely don't want emotions. It is much better to have resting bitch face. They don't want feelings. Feelings are scary and warrant attention, focus, and watering like a flower. Even if they ask these things of you, they really want to know what you think about football. If you divulge any true emotions, make sure they offered first and you stand up and shout, "WHAT WOULD PEYTON MANNING DO?"  They really wanted the Internet dating facade of unrealistic expectations with hot wild sex. Chances are they have already moved on to someone else or several elses.

Photo credit: Pinterest. Yes, intimacy is creepy. Soul seekers.


5. Walls are not meant to be broken. Be careful with your heart. Most men don't really appreciate it even if they say they do. It's a trick.

6. Aliens exist. They really do. They are sometimes disguised as a humanoid man.

7. Men like compliments. It's like giving a blow job without swallowing. Stroke it, but not too much. Giving men compliments is like a tease...just a little tongue around the top, then smile. Keep doing that once in a while, but not too much. They can get a big head. In all seriousness, women should give men compliments.

8. Men say they want or like brutal honesty, but that only applies to women, not themselves. When people make us defensive, it is only natural to put up the stockade and man the knights. However, what is really going on? Someone is not happy. If the woman is telling the man something, they are using "feelings." This is when the men throw up the white flag, run and hide, and proclaim their dick is just too big for her. When a man is being brutally honest, the female cries, soaks it up, then reevaluates herself. Sometimes men and women say things just to lash out at each other which is hurtful. Sometimes it is truthful. Sometimes it is just the man being a big asshole because he can't handle the truth. He wants to make her feel just as bad as she made him when she addressed her feelings and got emotional. We, as women care, and we want to fix things, talk about it, communicate. Men want you to suck it. From the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, "When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift.He makes it safe for her to express herself." Get it. Got it. Good.

9. A good man demonstrates his commitment by showing up. Yep. That is all.

10. Porcupine Hip Dependence. It's the right amount. You need to remember not to be attached at the hip, but not so much so you never have together moments. Think of yourself like a porcupine...you are next to the prick, you do the bump, "yow!" that hurts...back at my stance...and comfortable. A little distance or space is good. You don't have to be attached at the hip. Co-dependence is ugly. I never have been like this. I was always too independent. However, you do need some hedgehog time. How do porcupines and hedgehogs cuddle? Google it. Here, let me provide a pic...

Photo credit: Pinterest


11. Battles or wars. Yep. This is a deep subject. Pick the right ones. I suck at it. I pick what comes to my mind at the time. Learn to swallow. This can be a deal breaker.

12. Be you but not the crazy you. The you you. Men don't like crazy-not even a little bit.  Keep that contained. If Margaret needs to be kept in a box so she doesn't come out, then keep her in a box. Self control is hard enough and when you have to control the demons, we should get extra credit for that, but men can be moody. It's OK. Don't unleash the monkeys. No one wants to see that. I really believe homes were not designed properly and we should all have a tantrum room built in with rubber mats, bouncy balls, and sound proofing. Yes, men would use it if it was part of the house. Now we just need to make it their idea.

13. Men need to feel needed-NOT NEEDY.  Women like to be cherished. Men like to feel necessary. I like them to feel necessary. They like you to want them, but not to be needy. Women being cherished has nothing to do with the meals they provide or how they stroke a man's ego. It is how the man treats you. If he sucks at it, chances are he isn't going to be trained to be any better.

14. If you find yourself doing periodical or a lot of emotional outpouring of things you lack, need, or want from your man...you need to run away.  He either has another woman or he isn't it for you. If he responds with "I can't take this" or "You need to get help for your feelings", chances are he is a real dickhead and only cares about himself. He has no love for your heart, otherwise, he would talk to you about what is bothering you. Penis first: remember that is how it rolls. He is telling you he is a pussy and can't handle any of life's problems, nor wants to because he has enough of his own things to worry about. Run fast.

15. If they forget holidays and birthdays, scrap them in the pile and move on. They are too dumb for you. If they can't remember the holidays plastered all over the US of A which are meaningful or full of expectations, then they are not paying attention to the one they supposedly love. Come on. How hard is it, really? Get a fucking planner if you are a blockhead.

16. Women have emotional explosions because they think all the time about things. Women think and think and finally all the emotional garbage they have been saving explodes like one big Chernobyl event. Men, if you think we aren't thinking, we are. All the time. About stuff. About stuff you said, you did or didn't do, about what you forgot, what you did nice, what we like, what you need to fix, laundry, makeup, working out, kids, meals, toothpaste lids on the sink, dirty clothes left by you on the floor 4 feet from the laundry basket, bills...it's all in there. Bam! Have your rubber suit on when it comes. Cowboy up!

17. Nagging. Women hate to nag, but men make us to do it. Nothing makes me more sour than nagging. I hate myself when I am like that. If you keep hearing it "before" or "often", there is a chance you keep repeating irritating behavior or lack of action. Get a clue. Do women always have to decrease blow jobs to get anything done or for men to pay attention?

18.Testing, testing, testing...is this thing on? Women always test their man. If they say they are going to send holiday or birthday flowers late because the florist can't deliver them on time, what does that really mean? That means he forgot or he didn't get off his ass to get it done until the last minute. When women tell them you might as well forget it and not to send them because what is the point, what do they really mean? They mean you should send the biggest fucking bouquet of flowers with the nicest of notes and grovel for a couple days. When the flowers don't arrive and I wonder where the flowers are and you say, "because you told me to cancel the order." You are a fucking dip shit. You failed. And nothing you say or do is going to make it better because you didn't care to be responsible or kind during the right moment. You will be forgiven, but we will never forget.

19. Tit for tat and the elephant is fat. Women will poke you back when you poke them. However, men, you may not realize you poke us. And then we get even. When you get even because we got even...that just makes you a bitch. You should just take it and shut up. Then we think about it and realize we are being awful. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.

20. Give and take should be Even Steven. I don't even like Steven. Who is he, anyway? I do know give and take. I am more of a giver than a taker. I give with nothing expected in return. It takes me a while to realize, however, that if you are the only giver in a relationship, it isn't going to work. Takers will continue to take until there is no more. You can't give your love to someone who doesn't want it and I think in love and relationships it should be a two-way street.  It only has to be a note of kindness and not diamonds. Diamonds are overrated, but I would stand for a new car. Kidding. I'm talking about niceties and kind gestures.

21. Silent treatments. These are sometimes necessary so both sides "get it." Don't overdo it because then that just makes you an asshole. The last holdout is a loser. Timeouts are OK, just get back in the game or say you are sorry and mean it.

22. Look at the women around him. If he has family dysfunction in only the girls or only the boys in his life whether it is his kids, wives, ex-wives, sisters, brothers, fathers...there is a reason. Maybe it is him. Maybe he can't cope with that group of people, that sex of people.  If he can't create some type of functional harmony with the girls in the family, maybe he has a problem with relationships with women or just doesn't take the time to figure it out. If they resent him and are so dysfunctional it is always a patch job with the relationship, there is something wrong and you need to look beyond the baggage.  Dysfunctional families have a lot of chaos and dysfunction junction all of the day long. Be sure you can handle it.

23. Does he have to be in the limelight? I was married to a former NFL player who had to be the center of attention to the point he was overly boisterous. Loudness was his middle name. Sometimes I didn't give a rat's ass, but other times, it annoyed the heck out of me. We could never have a nice quiet dinner because he constantly made points to be loud, harass the waitresses or make fun of people in Walmart. It got old. I believe he was truly unkind. Too much attention makes for a big asshole. It isn't attractive for either a man or a woman. If you are a man doing this...you are an asshole. If you are woman doing this...other women think you are an attention seeking whore...emphasis on whore. It's like putting a big bar sign on the vagina and saying "open for business."

24. Does he want to shield his reputation? Save face? Why? What did he do that he needs to save face?

25. Does he have to be a pillar all the time or the "big deal" to others? Why? Is it because he has to overcompensate for some insecurities or wants to think of himself as a big shot? A man who cares about people, will care about the people and love them. It will not be for monetary reasons or gifts, but from the heart. They would love back. He will do things for them, be there for them, emotionally or physically in a time of need. It's not about buying things. Doing for others is not about putting his name on the building or having people bow to him as though he were the village king.

26. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Tee hee. It doesn't always work that way. Psych!

27. Why do you need more than one purse? To hit you over the head with in different colors. Idiot! Can you believe a man would even ask such a question? Pshaw.

28. I feel fat. Men, you can't win right here. I don't care what you say or do, it doesn't work. I will take suggestions.

29. Why do women like to talk so much even after sex? Really? Really? Because your penis does all the talking for you?  Women need information. Men need vagina.

30. Love is hard. If we are to grow in love and relationships, we all have to feel the positive feelings of love, happiness, trust, and gratitude, but we also must periodically have to feel anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. If you can't do this, you can't have love. You are not worthy. 

After all the funny and dust settles from our own fuck-ups...it really makes a difference when you have failed relationships in front of an audience: your child. Not that all relationships end in marriage or end on a bad note. They shouldn't. You should end as friends or at least amicable...in the perfect world. Sometimes things are not perfect. 

However, don't you want the best for your daughter? And why wouldn't you want to set a good example for her and have the best for yourself? Don't settle. I did and have paid the consequences...over and over...and over. Getting hurt is part of life, but when you have a kiddo, relationships become something totally different. I want my daughter to have the best. I have to lead by example. Don't we all?



1 comment:

  1. Momma Fargo:
    Wow...just had a felling of DEJA VU...like this was something I read (book excerpts?)...o rwrote about a long time ago.
    Went to the college of hard knocks (graduated with honors, too...LOL), and am still learning.
    Wish I knew "then" what I know NOW...could have saved a lot of angst in my youth.
    --I prefer honesty (use it all the time myself), so no problems there.
    (plus, you don't have to remember the lies)

    --I wouldn't say I want a classy slut...just someone knowledgeable in many things (and in multiple techniques)...heh.

    --I only like compliments when I DESERVE 'EM.
    (the rest is sucking-up BS to me)

    --Wifey likes Vera Bradley purses (handbags), so no brain-damage forthcoming.

    --If I'm in the limelight, it's because "I" got there on my own.
    (I tend to avoid it, though...a real hassle)

    --I NEVER forget holidays or birthdays...hell, I remember stuff I don't NEED to remember (like perp descriptions & tag numbers...lol)

    --I also tend to do the majority of nagging...sorry, but I want my better half to BE that much better...sue me.
    (and I never leave clothing all over or act the slob - not in my nature)

    Excellent post...for EITHER sex.
    Roll safe out there, dear.

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