Monday, February 2, 2015

Fatal Attraction

I have no problem making an ass out of myself.

Recently, I went to my eye doctor for an eye exam and to check on a hemorrhage. It was a spontaneous implosion.

"No worries. It happens to all of us. It will be worse before it gets better and it will last 2 weeks," said the doc. He went through a series of questions:

Constipated lately?


Get hit in the eye?


Cough or sneeze very deeply?



Lots of it.

Answer. Now to de-stress and keep the blood pressure low. Check. Check. However, what he told me later in an hour long exam which took 2 hours concerned me even more so. Apparently, my vision had changed so significantly in one year's time, that he told me to immediately schedule an exam with my physician and he was going to call her and send his results and concerns.

"Is it normal aging? Will I have to give up contacts?"

"No. It is not normal aging. That is why I am concerned. My first thought is a diabetic issue, but it could be another major medical problem. I am serious about this. You need to get an appointment and take this seriously."


That was a ton of bricks.

I went back to work in a funk. I started Googling diabetes. My students and I started to make it a game, asking me all the chronic problems I have had in the last year. So I listed: vision changes, chronic pain in between shoulder blades, tingling in arms and hands, fatigue.

Wouldn't you know what came up? Diabetes, MS, and Lupus.

All three great choices of fatalistic diagnosis. My last blood sugar level check was 82mg/dL. So we at first laughed, then you get to thinking about it and it gets pretty depressing.

I went home for the weekend. I sat there a lot. Too much time for thinking, I guess. As I walked to the post office, I imagined what if... it is something like I am going blind? I started to count my steps to the post office. I soaked up all the scenery, memorizing everything...the cracks in the sidewalk. How would I know not to step into traffic? How would I remember to keep my head out of the clouds and count blocks to my house? What if I could never see my garden again or use my landscape skills to create gardens for myself and others? What if I couldn't see my daughter on her wedding day?

Yep. I went there. It made me sad. I spent hours thinking about people who are blind and how they cope and live life to its fullest. Then, I started to gamble with God.

God, please take my sense of taste. Leave my eyes.

Then, I scolded myself for doing so. You can't gamble with God. Shame on me. What was I thinking?

My brain went off on another tangent. Why do I go off on fatalistic thoughts of doom and gloom?

It's probably just a hang nail.

I remembered when I was young in school we did an experiment while had to guess what you were touching. It was fun and a great lesson to learn at that time, but not the real thing.

Of all the senses I could live without, I chose sense of taste. I want to smell the roses. I want to see my daughter on her wedding day or my first grand child. I want to hear the birds. I want to feel the sense of touch. What if someone handed me a penis and told me it was something else. Would I recognize it?

No matter how much I have tried to comprehend Braille, it's still a bunch of dots to me. It all blends. And audio books is not the same as holding a book and diving into a world of fantasy.

What if my dog had to poop and I didn't know it and he peed and pooped all over the house? I would smell it, but would I step in it? Would I know where to clean it up?

How would I paint my nails? My hair?

It could be the first time in my life I truly go on a blind date.

How would I dress myself? What if I looked like Austin Powers every day? Would Garanimals work? Could I feel tigers with tigers or would I put elephants with giraffes?

My mind went bonkers (more so than usual) and I drifted further into the dark hole of doom.

What if it is a giant brain tumor pushing on my eyes and snuffing out my vision? Would I do chemo? Would I choose quality over quantity? I have watched friends deteriorate with brain tumors. It is a sad demise.

It was a good thing I went to bed and woke up Sunday with a whole new set of problems. It is called...storm knocks out Xfinity during Superbowl. Dafuq, you say? Yep. They didn't care. They told me a service person would show up from 8-10 on Monday (today). So...I had to take 4 hours of vacation for this fiasco. At about 9:30, my internet started working. No Xfinity cable dude. In fact, he never showed. I know it was a man, because a girl service person would have called to reschedule. We are polite like that. I got on xfinity chat. I kind of unloaded all my blind problems and sexual frustrations out on Rey who was probably from India or Pakistan or somewhere other than the USA:

Yes, the xfinity bastahds spell my first name wrong.

A "higher office" will deal with me. Like Xfinity has royalty or something. As you can see these are not some of my finer moments. I continued to make an ass of myself:

I have been told boys would call me. It's the first sign I'm not going to get a call. It is now 2:15 pm EST and I still have not received a call from a royal at Xfinity.

Next, I added my girl drama flare for extra pressure. Not that I wasn't mad, because I AM mad. I am especially mad about wasting vacation time. 
Of course, I leave every contact with a nice gesture. That's just who I am. I really wanted to add in some symbol cursing ")&^)*Q@#&HQC&^E)" but I didn't want to scare the chat person into contacting the FBI or labeling me as a terrorist.

So, not only am I contemplating my doom and gloom until I get to a doctor, but I missed the Superbowl for the first time in my life. I also have to go home to no service. I can't even watch The Doctors or Dr. Oz to self-diagnose my problems.

Don't call me, my phone doesn't work. Don't expect me to be online either, because I am sure it won't be working when I get home. I blame cable for all my problems. Doesn't everyone?

Fuck you, Xfinity!

But I want you so bad! Come baaaaccccckkkkkk!!!!

It better be back on before The Walking Dead (this weekend) or they will have issues.

I have to, after all, watch all I can before I go blind.

I know I am being a freak.


  1. When I was about your age the Sawbones ran me thru all kinds of tests - thinking I had MS - turns out it was menopause... Have a glass of wine when you get home. Don't buy trouble.

  2. The blindfolding in school thing reminded me, the class was doing just that but having a taste test to see you could identify the food by taste. Everything was going great until one girl was trying to recognize the taste of honey. She couldn’t identify it, so the teacher said, “It is what you mom calls your dad at home.” The girl spit it out and yelled, “OMG, it’s an asshole.”