Friday, January 16, 2015

Vomiteering

Dear Diary,

Two great sentences sum up my week. First, "May the bluebird of happiness poop on your head."

It's kind of like The Hunger Games famous blurb only different..."may the odds be ever in your favor." Maybe the bluebird is a little more positive. It's not like we sworded up the children to kill each other and may the last one standing win. It's only poop. And happy poop.

When I get bombarded  emotions, stress, and the general crapping of thy life's issues...I can sometimes be heard saying,  "I am just debris on the highway of life today," which came out of my mouth today at the office.

Just be glad you are not "roadkill", says my friend. I had to agree. It could be worse. We laughed.

These sarcasms come to mind as of late and as wise ones say...I am supposed to ignore the monkeys or the circus. I'm not sure which or both.

Photo credit: Pinterest


As always, with my problems...added with teenager issues which is really a career in itself. It could be helpful on a resume. I'm not sure, but I think it would qualify for prison work.

I really don't know how to act as a mother sometimes when my daughter spews out magic questions.

I call it teenage vomiteering.

Aren't we, as parents, supposed to behave under pressure, answer quickly in impromptu moments, and have the right answers? In other words, act appropriate under duress?

Yeah.

That is what I was told.

I didn't get that manual at the hospital. They skipped me. And other people lied.

My parents never warned me about the freaky times. I'm pretty sure I did not present any of these to them. I was a perfect child and I repeat if often to my daughter. She asks her grandma who sometimes goes..."wellllll..." I am sure she will respond quickly with a "yes" once senility sets in.

Seems something had been weighing on Bug's mind and it came up last night.

I was making a second batch of Mac and Cheese for her because she ruined the first one. I instructed her to promptly dispose of it into the compost pile.

Yes, my child is a terrible cook and she burns or ruins almost everything, including popcorn. Last night she blew the breaker when she used the microwave to heat water.

So...as I was demonstrating the art of cooking the most delicious Mac and Cheese...she said...

"Mom. I just found out what blow jobs are and how they work. Totally gross. I can barely talk about it. Have you ever done that? Did you ever do that to my dad?"

I totally seized up.

*crickets*

At this time, I think the world stopped and I entered a time warp. I didn't even know what a blow job was until I was 23.

"Mom! Mom! You have, haven't you! OMG. How could you put that dirty thing in your mouth? They pee out of it!"

"Uh...as I was demonstrating, if you put the dab of butter in the noodles..."

"Mom! I am talking to you--- not about the Mac and Cheese! What is wrong with you? Did you swallow that stuff?"

Photo credit: Pinterest


Wheezing began.


Photo credit: Pinterest


She covered her mouth and gagged, waiting for my response. I think it was fake gagging.

I looked at her and saw her face, although there was a force field between us. It was hazy. I started to stroke out, I am sure of it. The room was closing in. The seizing of the mind continued.

She punched my arm. It startled me.

"Mom! Answer me! You know what I think? I think you did. I think you put penis in your mouth and I do not want you to ever kiss me again. Ever! I can't believe it."

"But I kiss you on the cheek or forehead and that can be washed."

Photo credit: Pinterest


"NO!" (stomp, stomp, stomp ...teenager goes into the living room)

I called out to her,"Honey, about that Mac and Cheese? It's ready!" Then, I muttered under my breath, "You know this spiral kind sort of looks like sperm in cheese sauce."

"I heard that, MOM! I AM NOT EATING THAT MAC AND CHEESE! GROSS!"

Teenagers are just like old people. They pretend to not hear you only they have sonic ears.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

-The Momster





5 comments:

  1. Holy God woman

    The Queen

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  2. Hey Momma Fargo,

    Jeez................how do you answer that............and for the record...I never got one. Girlfriends and spousal unit don't "do that". makes me wonder what I missed out on..........Nothing you could have said would have fixed that.....*Sheesh* I am wondering what my son will spring on me one day.

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  3. FUNNY! All I could think of is, Do you know what the bird symbol for the Gay Pride is? Swallow!

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  4. Momma Fargo:
    I have to say that you DO indeed put the FUN in dysfunctional...LMAO!

    Where does she learn this stuff and why does it consume that much of her time?
    Is life that "boring"?
    (short answer - not a chance in hell).

    How can you burn Mac & cheese???
    ANd HOW can you trup a breaker heating water in the microwave?

    I haven';tr done either...and have no plan to.

    Hang in there, Kiddo.

    Stay safe down there.

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  5. I don't even know what to say here. I would have had a stroke, end of story.

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