Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Art of Crapping on a Plane

I know. The title of this post is very unattractive and very NOT ladylike. I really cannot defend myself against those labels. Let me explain why I felt the need to write this. Well, besides the fact there really isn't a need, but probably a sickness. I should get that checked.

Sometimes I over-analyze things to a point of driving myself and others bat shit crazy.

The wheels do not fall off the bus. Have you ever had your mind so busy, you are wound up or can't sleep and think of weird ideas? Well, mine has been going for sure. Want me to share?


Too bad. I'm sharing.

There might be some cursing. If it offends you, you should not read further.

Photo credit: Pinterest
If I were to run an American airline, here is a list of things I would change:

1. No first class seating. However, I am going to miss hitting those pretentious bastards with my big fat fucking suitcase as I pass by because they cannot figure out how to load a plane. Take first class out, and make the entire plane one type of seating, first come, best available. Slow people get sloppy seconds. Last served get the back of the bus. However, the seating will be the same size with a little more leg room and a little wider. Exit row helpers get extra chocolate for being so nice.

We are going to "declass" those who think they are better than others and raise up the people of Walmart stuck in the seats designed for a size 0. It will be socialism at it's finest. Now here is where the Republicanism comes into effect: Screaming children and ones who kick the back of the seat get the sound proof area with bouncy balls and rubber walls; behaved ones are welcome anywhere. Shifting can happen during flight. We keep the rubber room open. No overbooking.

It would mostly be a cage fight type atmosphere with harmless soft Nerf balls. However, the hierarchy inside would be left to the kids. If parents really felt the need to watch the festivities, a clear viewing window would be available. Sometimes you just let them play or duke it out.

2. Get rid of that Sky Mall magazine. Inside it is a bunch of crap no one wants or can afford and if you can, you are a pretentious asshole. Advertisers can provide other means inside airports to promote their concept contraptions and clothing suitable for many normal folks, said no one ever. You can't even take it into the crapper with you because, well, that is gross and you might get microscopic spatter on it for other people to enjoy while they thumb through the pages and lick their fingers because the pages are stuck. Don't turn up your nose. It's the truth. Crap has velocity spatter. That's why they say not to store your toothbrush within 6 feet of your toilet. Commode rules. For those of you who have ignored those have feces in your mouth. *shudder*

Think about that the next time you are at a friend's home browsing their magazine collection next to the john.

3. For drinks, you get water or wine. If it was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for you. We do not have to cater to everyone's fancy. And it is free. Why? Because we just made everyone pay for it in their ticket prices. I don't think anyone will notice the $2.00 charge. Yes, $2.00, not the normal airline $8.00 drink charge...because we are not about robbing people, but just being fair. If you want to bring those little shot bottles and pour it into juice purchased in the airport...well drink away. You can buy it in the airport for a little less than the ginormous fee flight attendants have to charge you.

4. You get those yummy airline cookies, Biscoff, mini-pretzels, or Dove chocolate. These will all be in regular size and not sample size. No other choices. If you don't like it, you don't have to accept it.

5. You get two bags which go under the plane. Period. And it is free. You can carry on a lap top or purse. If you insist on bringing the kitchen sink, then get a big fucking purse or a computer bag the size of an Apple IIe.

6. We will load the back of the bus first. Why? Because that way no one gets hit with anyone's big fat fucking purse or fat ass. Common sense, people. You know I gave all new meaning to the words "baggage checks" when I would purposely bump first class passengers with my big fat carry on, purse, and hips. I know. I know. It was fun. I wished I had hit a famous person so I could say Shemar Moore's DNA was on my bag and sell it for millions.

What's not to love about that tiger?

7. Flight attendants will give safety demonstrations without bitch face and add some flair so people pay attention. Still, this is all in vain because if you crash you are dead anyway. Well, mostly your chances of survival are nil unless you have Sully to land you on water. That's about as likely as me getting Shemar Moore DNA on my luggage.

8. If the pilot sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher, we will demand do-overs as to not miss important flight information. Why don't the flight attendants tell the captain that NO ONE could understand that muffled, static white noise? Like never. He could be telling us to prepare ourselves for our doom before we parish into the sea. Does anyone else think plains over Asia have a 1 in 2 chance of making a proper landing? Yeah. I'm not going to travel to those countries or over the countries any time soon.

9. If you fart a "nasty smeller bomb of mass destruction" on the plane, you are suspended for two months from flying anywhere in the US. If you can't fix your gas, you can drive your ass around the globe or get a canoe.

10. Disruptive and cantankerous passengers will be immediately escorted off the plane and grounded until the next flight or forever; whichever comes first. Grumpy people suck.

11. Air marshals will better disguise themselves so they are not "impostering" (that is a word) Liam Neeson or Denzel Washington, nor look like cops in plain clothes or cops trying to blend in. I think I can pick most of them out. Perhaps we need some Austin Powers dudes and Nanny McPhee types in the mix. Oh, yeah, baby!

Plus...add some apparel changes such stretch skinny pants so they can still perform their ninja skills but look like a goof. No one would suspect. Actually, I liked skinny jeans recently on an Australian man. He was just one of those who could pull it off and look masculine, hot, and well...(fanning myself)...never mind.

How about some neck tattoos? Yep. Great disguise. Gladys Nightstone and Gertrude Applebottom would not even look at them or if they did it would be in disgust with reprimands and references to their mother's disapproval. Thug life. But not too thug. You have to look like a middle class thug. Or I guess they could think the marshal was a famous rapper. That would work. Who would think 50 Cent, Snoop Dog, or Usher types would be cops? Dreadlocks. Horrible dye jobs and facial hair. Maybe some air marshals should take acting classes and throw in some foreign accents to really throw us off. They should also be a lot more talkative instead of stone cold quiet, constantly scanning the plane which makes those unsuspecting folks think..."terrorist or air marshal?"

12. Toilet facilities will actually be functional and handicap accessible. In other words- family size. Big ol' butts are welcome. This might be a time to take a lengthy discussion on the art of crapping on a plane.

Even as a size two, it sucked monkey ballz. First, you had to enter sideways, sometimes catching your hip on the door frame. If it shut properly and gave others the notice of "occupied", then a person could feel free to do the hover and crap. It is really hard to do courtesy flushes on the plane, because everyone notices. And what if you have an uneasy stomach which leads to bowel explosions? You know when you walk out of there, everyone is staring at you like you just killed a baby kitten.

And what about splashbacks? You don't want that shit all over, so you might have to scrub the back of the toilet area and check your clothes. You can NOT sit down on those seats to contain the shrapnel effects within the container even with barriers of toilet paper because of the turbulence. You can't risk being exposed to someone else's germs or venereal diseases. I don't think I need to delve any further.

However, I would put the toilets right next to the rubber room so the kids could suffer the breezy consequences upon exit of toilet facilities. They would be too busy playing and wrestling, having a missile war inside the rubber room to notice.

The restrooms would be placed-one in front, one in back. Since we are downgrading first class and refreshments, there is more room for this type of structure. If you aren't smart enough to go before you get on, or you have a long flight, or drink too much- we will still accompany you. Nothing is worse than peeing or crapping on yourself or doing your business on the seat--- and not being able to reach to wipe because your hand can't get past the hand sanitizer dispenser thingy. Additionally, when you do the reach around you hit the toilet lid which falls on your ass and then, again, you have crap everywhere but in microscopic particles all over the compartment and your backside. Again, it makes me refrain from using airplane toilets. The thoughts. Oy vey.

I am sure I had more great ideas as I drifted off, however, they have left me. I find it amusing how a person thinks about things when you read books, watch television, or derive so from your own experiences. You are like..."OH YEAH! What about this?"

Then, I sometimes wonder why some of these ideas are not already implemented. Are we that blind to change and redefining things because we have become entitled or so stuck in our ways? So stuck on maximizing the most for monetary gain, yet still failing as an airline? Well, duh, because you suck, airlines! Change it.

Wait as a general rule....we keep doing the same things over and over expecting different results. Maybe if all situations were like the art of crapping on a plane, we would change things ten hurry, ten the speed of diarrhea.


  1. Except for the kiddie/rubber room you are describing Southwest Airlines. Add an old folks bathroom and we're fine.

  2. Any thoughts on the mile high club? You know, Fly United?

  3. As a frequent business traveler, most of the people in first class are people like me who travel enough to get upgraded. Don't hate.

    As an aisle preference kinda guy, I'm all in on the load from the back, one purse/computer bag rule. The bruising from people not watching their crap bounce off me is really no fun.

    Second the Southwest comment. Their business model is pretty cclose to what you describe. And some of their flight attendant go to the trouble to jazz up the safety briefing. Google it for some entertainment.

    Pre-boarders (handicap and families with small kids) need to load first and be seated at the back. If you need more time to get on, you need more time to get off too. Don't hold up the rest of us.

    Try using an airliner toilet at 6'4" and 250 pounds. There is no sitting withour getting blue goo on the package. Standing requires wedging your head against the bulkhead for stability and to avoid a TBD during turbulence.

  4. Tennessee Grammie, I have flown Southwest. I like them. I like Frontier as well.

    Coffeypot...NO comment. Oy vey.

    Daddy Hawk...Yes, most are not pretentious assholes except the ones on my flights. I have no idea why I run into so many but I have been pushed and tripped by some because they wanted off the plane first even when the flight attendants let some of us go with connecting flights and only running time to get there. Always (other than when the planes are late and I have to run to my next flight) I wait my turn to get on the plane and exit the plane. I do not schedule flights too close together for that reason. I also know several regular Joes or business people like yourself who go first class. Sorry about my big fat suitcase in your face. ;)

  5. Hey Momma Fargo,

    As a frequent flier (work benefits) I work out at the hometown airline in Atlanta, I tend to agree with you especially with "facilities" on an airplane. usually the first class one is a bit bigger. Not by much...but bigger. I being a big guy just "handle business" at the airport. Getting into the bathroom for me ain't fun.

  6. Being jealous about first class is sad.
    Big cookies are for First Class.
    Skymall just filed bankruptcy.
    Take the lear next time