Sunday, January 4, 2015

Off Road Driving for the Hearing Impaired

Have you ever felt raising a teenager is like riding a roller coaster through the one of those slime machines on hormones and at the end the fat witch turns you into a pork roast. It's a terrible ending and it makes as much sense as a teenager. If this does not make sense, I can give it in feminist speak..."A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Well, if you are not a feminist ( I am all for women but I am not a feminist) than perhaps I can say raising a teenager is like fishing in the Big Sandy River with a boat anchor and sausage.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments when she is a perfect child and the angels sing. I have heard them and they are enhanced with wine.  I think these moments happen in cycles aligned with the stars and out of sync with her period. By the way, being in the same house as the teenage period times is like reliving the blundered battle of General Burnside at Fredricksburg. I call it Hell Week.

Photo Credit: Pinterest


It is a scientific fact adults who have teenagers will lose their hearing as they enter the geriatric stages of life. True. I used to think we could blame it all on heavy equipment operation, gunfire, loud music under headphones, and unprotected hearing encounters. If we were to gather the real statistics, it would show those who need hearing aids later in life (minus the life altering tragic accidents) actually had teenagers.

Here is my scientific conclusions derived from an actual study. My study pool is one making the results highly accurate and error free. Challenge me.

  • All teenagers operate in loud to overly loud mode. This is fact as the teenage hormone levels increase, so does decibel output. They have no inside voice. It isn't even the yelling stage which concerns me but everyday conversation. However, loudness output seems to increase in uptake during high hormone levels. They even throw out signs loud to each other (hang loose, spirit fingers, the bird, A-OK, loser sign and all that jazz).
  • Over 90% of their communication at conversational level is at 85 dB or greater. Picture every time they speak, loud canons are going off in the background. And those are not the bells of Ireland. In comparison, this phenomena is like when you cough, you lose a lung sack each time. Remember when you were told that? Well, this is the same. Each word is a mark off your elderly hearing capacity and the drum fluxors suffer with each blast.
  • Mind channeling is sporadic and non-sensical which causes higher decibel output. When communication breaks down between parents and teens, the mind channeling starts to spiral at high rates. Neurons misfire. Communication break downs are highly dangerous to adult hearing futurities because this cycles critical yelling outputs.
  • If things are not on the road, they are off road; thus loud spikes occur. What does this mean? When the teenager has something go wrong or does not go their way...or activity is not on the path of life which they have drawn...they are off-road driving. Now this is something we all grew up with in the 70s and gave us great coping skills. Sometimes we got dad's Jeep stuck. In this day and age, off road driving is minimal. When a teen experiences discourse (not to be confused with discharge, although the words sound similar) all hell breaks loose and loud spikes occur at inconceivable times like during your church book club meeting or garden girls get-togethers. At least the garden club girls drink wine at these meetings. Loud spikes are accompanied by book slamming incidents. If this is not during school times or your teen does not read, other objects become an accompanying instrument to the noise spikes.
I have no scientific evidence to counteract these measures in the home. However, some alternative solutions might pander out:
  1. Sell your child on eBay.
  2. Trade your child for a nice dress or scarf to the traveling gypsies.
  3. Have grandma babysit for long periods of time-after all, grandparents are already deaf from raising you.
  4. Parent them like Gunny would.
Photo Credit: Pinterest
If the above more permanent solutions do not work for you, they disagree with your parenting style, or are impossible due to DNA tracking and parent proofing legalities- I might suggest one thing that works for me: Off-road driving.
    1. Go to your happy off-roading driving place. For me, it's at the sand dunes in Sweetwater County and driving that Jeep over hill and yonder.
      • Get it stuck. This is entirely possible because you forgot to deflate the tires a little.  Pull out the wine. Enjoy the entire bottle before coming back to reality. Drunk driving in the sand dunes is totally doable because cops can't go there and why would they want to? Be careful of other dwellers and roll capabilities. Perhaps you should just park the Jeep on a high hill. If you have to wait until you're sober, you can entertain yourself. Make sand angels. Roll around in the sand, eat gritty peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on this picnic, and slide on the dunes with a sheet of cardboard or a sled. Find your sanity. Once the bottle has lost effect, you might be able to return to crazy town.
Believe me, sand in the vagina is more awesome than some of these teenage moments.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Momma Fargo;

    Yes I am catching up on your blog.....btw. Teenagers yell because they rairly use voice to communicate with each other....they text. They only use the voice on us old people......hope this helps your study..perhaps you can apply for a grant...it would be a better reason than many of the others I have seen.

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