Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Chewbacca Was A Cross-Dresser

Sometimes things or someone or pets come into your life for a reason you may not know until later. Basically, it was hard to think of a time when I would get another dog after Otis passed away.

My Otis. He had a nice butt.
There are days where I think Otis is speaking to me through Murphy. Perhaps he is plotting revenge on us or just having a great ol' time at the rainbow bridge while putting little motions in place to make us crazy.

And then there is Moose...he is a clown and a cuddler...protector of the house...
I want what you have. You can stare me down, I will stare you up. Give it.

Do you ever wonder what dogs are thinking when they do things...


..."well, mom, it sounded like a good idea at the time"...

Personality sparks in this puppy we called Murphy which just make me smile or pull my hair. Those are both things Otis did as well.
How can you not love this Snuffleupagus?

Last night, I heard a scream from upstairs coming out of the teenager which would have made anyone stroke out. Apparently, Murphy had jumped in the shower with the naked Bug. He has loved baths and showers since the first day. Go figure. Once she corralled him with a towel, I wiped him off and giggled to myself. He took off running around like a squealing pig. Everywhere. Water...everywhere.

Moose had been sleeping in his chair and nonchalantly got up to go get a drink of water which is located in the kitchen. Murphy sniffed around the chair and appeared... still too small... to get on any type of furniture which was good in my book.

I went back to watching "The Librarians" which I had ON DEMAND. Love that feature of xfinity. (Unsolicited plug there)

Soon, I saw a streak of red fuzz dart by me and leap in the air. I mean...Flying Matilda style like move. It was epic and it caught my attention. I turned just in time to watch Murphy take a run, leap in the air and land in a ball in Moose's chair. He grunted on the land.

Wow, I thought to myself. Great acrobatics. Then I realized he was still soaking wet.

Shortly after his hedgehog landing, he began rolling all over and touching every possible inch of the chair with his wet mop. He jumped off and sat pretty nearby, gloating. Moose sauntered back from the kitchen, headed to his chair and sensed something was amiss. He sniffed his chair which was now clearly soaked and smelled like Murphy. He looked at Murphy with a dog scowl.

"," I am sure he thought. He sauntered over to the floor near me and plopped, big dog sigh.

He was not amused.

Moose's chair in the background. Not amused face.

Murphy took off running like a squealing pig again and finally plopped on the kitchen floor, resembling a mop.
He blends in.

Silence was short as two seconds later Murphy ran up the stairs again.

Teenager scream, "MOM! He is doing it again! Stop him!"

I don't know what it is about showers he likes so well. He is obsessed. Often we find him in the shower when we think he is lost...sitting there...staring at the water spout.

It is the same fetish he has with woman's underwear, except he doesn't stare at them. It is far worse. I believe I could classify it as like a "prisoner on parole sex offender fetish" where you stare at the morsel, but deny yourself or go back to prison, but the urge will finally take over your mind and weakness prevails. I dealt with it every day chasing perverts as a cop. Now this is my life. It's my dog. It could be a horror film.

Often we find him digging in the laundry or pulling clean panties off Bug's bed or getting into the clean laundry as I try to fold it. She believes he prefers the dirty ones. Yeck!

How can you not like this cuteness? Yes, he is on my bed. 

He always gets the panties, only the panties. We never see him with a sock or a shirt.

It sniffs the panties. It rolls in the panties.

He chews on them, wears them on his head, carries them around, tries to sleep with them and brings them to his dog bed lair of heathenry, etc. It creeps us out.

Yes, I had to "Google it" to find out the solution to the problem and if I had a defective dog. What did I find...

"I'm sure many dog owners have this question, although most will keep it to themselves so people won't think they are crazy." I shit you not, Google. I felt that same way. I guess I just revealed our dirty little secret.

I didn't buy the one explanation where puppies steal things to get your attention and then make it a game with you. Really. Ok. Then why is he only focusing on underwear? He would steal things at random and things which present opportunity. We stuff the panties at the bottom of the hamper or cover them up. I am telling you this dog sniffs out only the panties. And he investigates, vacillating what to do, then attacks the hamper and scatters everything everywhere. Again...I label him as needing therapy since he is a serial pantie invader. Cops will tell you that pantie sniffers and pantie thieves become sex offenders. Ok. NOT going there. Scratch that from my mind. This is a dog. A cute puppy.

Now...what to do about this problem?

I know, I know. Another thing a cop will tell you that you can't wash out the DNA, but doesn't it wash out the smell? Except mine. My panties have always smelled like roses and have no skids. Do I smell them? No. I do not sniff them even if I have to guess if they are clean or dirty...I just stick them in the wash. I never smell panties. Ever. Sick people.

So is my washer working? Or does my vagina stink? Do I have strong DNA?

It puts the panties on

You might find it odd that I am now bending over smelling my hoohah and putting a mirror to it like the crotch doctors to see what's all up in there. You might also be shocked to know I now scrub it with a Brillo pad and Clorox to kill anything that lingers there. Be thankful I did not add in those pics.

nom nom nom nom nom

Another explanation I read said dogs are drawn to odors of their companions. Well, we aren't that companion-y. My dog is not in my crotch.

I can understand some sniffing attraction or curiosity if my hoohah is emitting strange odors, and dogs are trying to find the stench. However, I would have to declare my hoohah smells strong like scents of roses, lavender, and English garden. I mean, really, how else do you attract men to your lady garden or take pride in hygiene? It is also important to mow the lawn regularly, if you know what I mean. I prefer bare ground to let's say a putting green or natural grassland. It's cleaner. Ok, enough of that. TMI!

On another note, if I don't get these yoga pants off soon it is going to be a furnace of fire and dragon breath down in there with condensation issues smelling more like a gymnasium. Ugh. 

Chewbacca is a cross-dresser. He has a look of sexual blissness!

I suppose you wonder why I have so many pics of my dog with today's selection of panties? Well, I had to snap some proof or you would just think I was crazy and making this shit up. After all, the internet blogging world is cheaper than therapy.

So what does this mean? What did I find out? Do I have a freak dog?

Does that mean I smell like crotch? I sniff myself regularly now. Well, it's a hygiene thing, not a sicko thing. I can't smell the crotch from an upright position. Is that good? What if a man's face was down there? I asked myself that question. I didn't get a random man and stuff his face down there.

So I bend over and sniff on occasion, add some va-jay-jay spray (whoo it's cold), put hygiene wipes in purse. Check, check. Keep the coochie smelling pleasant. No one likes a stinky fish taco.

Maybe we just need to set our bum in a Clorox bath on occasion and soak it,  but the experts say too much down there is not good. I don't know. And vagina flushers (douches) are supposed to be bad. What is a girl to do?

Some days I have a terrible pee odor but that is due to lack of hydration and I need to drink more water. If I add in some vegetables, I pee green sometimes. I find that odd.

Back to my research...I get sidetracked on all these issues. One article said the dog will outgrow it. I don't remember any of my other dogs eating or wearing woman's panties. They were normal dogs.

The only suggestion I found in any article was to buy a hamper with a lid, stock your underwear, and substitute panties with dog toys.  Well, la tee da.

Spanking and saying "no" didn't help. He just did it more. Like...he liked aggravating me like my ex-husbands. I could see it in his eyes.

Taking them away and giving him a dog toy did not interest him in good behavior either. I don't know what to do.

If they outgrow it, what happened? They don't like me anymore? My crotch isn't good enough? Yeah. No. I'm not actually thinking like that, just so you know. I want it over. It's like a living horror show.

If I go commando, I eliminate all this hassle. Plus, it keeps the furnace vented.

Yet, some panties have a purpose like period panties and workout panties. Then you have pretty panties to make you feel good and pretty and sexy.

Well, then there is that visual men supposedly like when you wear them.

Then again...I am alone.

So, what's the point?


This is a problem.

Maybe Google was right and no one should talk about these things.


  1. Hey Momma Fargo,

    Interesting subject matter.........but I digress after thinking of the inplications. From what I have read, dogs are drawn to the crotch because the scent is strongest there of a person and the dog wants to totally inhale the Odor of his alpha leader. Just a thought

  2. Have you ever thought about using the puppy, snuffleupagus as a brillo pad on the dishes?