Monday, December 29, 2014

The Momster Bands for Warrior Sluts

I wonder if other parents have gone through the same processes as I have or observed things in their own child with open eyes. Recently, I have noticed my teen-aged daughter has low self esteem and confidence. I can't imagine how that came about with two "overbearing and ego meglamaniac" parents. Maybe we are too much? That's what happens when you put two cops together. I am pretty sure I have toned down my command presence since leaving the force, but maybe that is in my head and not projecting outward.

What to do? I Googled it because Google is the LAW of The Land when it comes to knowing what to do in every situation. This is generally what I found on multiple links:
1. Be generous with praise. I think I do this when it is appropriate. Check. Check.

2. Criticize when necessary, but constructively. So maybe here, WTF? and Holy Ballz What Are You Doing? are not appropriate responses to burning dinner, keeping piles of trash in her room, breaking things, yelling, tantrums, and lack of doing her chores. I should choose better words and not the first things that come to mind. This I will need to really work on since I am quick on the spot with reactions. 

3. Solicit your youngster's opinion. longer are we saying "you are to be seen and not heard." Opinions on what? This is a dictatorship parenthood, not a democracy.

4. Encourage youngsters to cultivate their talents and interests. Yes, I do encourage these, photography, reading, singing, etc. Score one for The Momster.

I decided not to get just one opinion, but Googled further. Enter "The Mighty Mom". Pretty much the same thing except she added setting boundaries and having them follow the rules.

So I dug further. I know most of this is all common sense, but sometimes we have to be reminded...

1. Model body acceptance. Ok. Everyone is different. Accept it. Some are hot. Some are not. But outside is not inside. We need to focus on the inside. This is where I get off on a tangent. On the flip we aren't supposed to appreciate nature's beauty? 
Photo credit: Pinterest

Epic fail here. Using the word: "Chubs" ( although this is in jest and I do not believe in raising a namby pansy)  and me grumbling about my own appearance might need some tweaking.

2.Watch television and media with daughter and teach her accepted behavior. Bam! Got that covered. The Walking Dead, Homeland, Madam Secretary, The Black List, etc.--all training videos. Check. Check.

3.Don't raise her as a pleaser. You know what? I don't. The result: one who wants to please. Ugh. I have no idea how to rearrange this thinking. I guess she may have to learn this as life goes on.

4. Start team sports early. Shazam! Just my line of thinking. We did and she loves them.

5. Don't borrow your daughter's clothes. Well, that is no fun. And what about the other way around? She is constantly stealing my "junque hippy Bohemian" wardrobe. Grrr.

6. Praise on everything except appearance. What? This makes no sense. Why not find a common ground?

7. Praise efforts rather than performance. This one has me a big fat Sequoia stump. I guess if you have a kiddo that sucks at singing or drawing, you praise them for trying. Well, we can get creative with compliments but in the end isn't it the sum and not the individual parts? I don't know. Next!

8. Be careful about what magazines you have around the house. Playgirl up. Check. Check! Seriously. This stuff is everywhere. You can't shield them from all the model hype and Glamour magazines forever. What you have to do is make sure they know what is realistic, photoshopped, and acceptable. My favorite magazine...Guns & Garden.

9. Don't trash talk other women. Trash talk is everywhere. I don't know that I get too crazy about trashing others when I am not perfect myself. Sometimes, we do see some unique wardrobe choices at WalMart and we might giggle about it. 

10. Give love, love, love. Ok. Yes. Can do.

11. Dads: Don't baby your daughters or teach them that they can run to you all the time. Hmm. Not a problem there. We are 1800 miles away.

12. Build communication. Like it's Lincoln Log or Leg time? Sometimes experts are so technical. I like to keep open communication. We are having trouble with this sometimes. She keeps secrets. They aren't horrible and huge, but I fear they might grow into big ones later.

13. Keep tabs on Online Activities. Duh. I was a detective. Hello!

14. Share their passions. In other words, feed their interests. What if their interests are taking over? For example, I don't have video games, but many friends of mine complain their children spend too much time on them; yet they always get new games for gifts. So if the kids spend all their time reading or doing art is that better or worse? If they are obsessed with that good or bad? Trying to find a balance might be the most difficult.

15. Try to speak your teenager's language. Oh hell to the no. I need an interpreter myself...let alone learn a new language. Just the other day I learned what "devil penis magic" is and found that quite interesting. Apparently, when young girls are attracted to bad boys or ones who do not amount to much...then have kiddos...then split...then cycle back to another loser...have a syndrome...called "devil penis magic." They can't get away and keep being codependent on losers. We thought it was a great synopsis of some skanks. Now...I used the words skank...trash talk. Do you know how dumb I sound trying to talk the teenage tongues, brah? See, I digress.

16. Be a good role model. I have no words. After all, I'm super momster with a little salt and vinegar. I suppose it's hard to be a kiddo to an ex-cop who likes guns, fishing, outdoor sports, art, reading, and is full of snarky. Perhaps I am too stern and set expectations too high?

17. Create independence. "Fly away little birdy." That's all good and well unless you are a control freak like myself. 

You know what...there are too many effing rules. I'm just going to parent like my mom. Where's my broom so I can shoe the kids outside until dinner time. Mother Nature can raise 'em.

I'm trying to build a Warrior...not a daisy. Hello!Yeah. I know. It's not the days of Ward and June anymore. Sigh.
Photo Credit: Xena: Warrior Princess--Lucy Lawless as Xena

I had role models like Xena and Laura Ingalls-Wilder. Now that I look back at Xena...she was a Warrior slut...but hey...I didn't think of her that way...she was AWESOME! It's all about how you carry yourself in deer skin loincloth and an armor brassiere. LOL. Hey...a sword makes anyone look like a gladiator.

And Laura...I don't know. She was just a prairie girl with simple lessons. I don't remember any of the lessons, but they were all moral ones.  What I do remember is the weird things. I do recall Nellie was a mean bully and bullies have been around since the beginning of time. And Almanzo had high waters and pulled his pants up like Erkel. The show made me dislike plaid unless it was on a kilt or a fuzzy blanket. 

Once again, I digress. This isn't about me or my childhood. It's about Bug's.

Photo credit: The Momster

Bug does not realize how beautiful she is, yet she is a mirror hog. I know that is a sign of insecurity. 
The Momster
Before Christmas, I thought I would show her exactly how beautiful she was with a photo shoot. I had her write on her mirror: "I AM BEAUTIFUL".
Photo credit: The Momster

I tell her all the time she is gorgeous inside and out. She just shrugs her shoulders and says, "whatever, Mom, you're biased. You have to say that".

Her whopping weight is 98 pounds and when she reached 100 over Christmas break she called herself fat. Bang head here.

Enter my eyeroll followed by sarcasm. Geez. Talk about a chubby tubby. I think I weighed 100 pounds when I was born.

You can't argue with them. Is the pressure "peer pressure" or "inside pressure" to conform and excel put on by themselves? I don't know. It's ridiculous. I asked her if she wanted me to call her "Chubs" now and showed her what overweight really looks like...using myself as an example and showing photos of my fittest self. She laughed. I asked her what is it going to take to convince you? She didn't know. I asked her what or to whom is she comparing herself to? She said, "no one." 

I throw my hands up in the air. That should be a song made by mothers for mothers.

After she looked at the photos I took of her, she smiled, and looked at me. The words spoken were music to my ears..."Mom, I am beautiful, aren't I?" 

I kissed her forehead.

"Duh," I said. 

Perhaps...again...groovy hip language was not my best choice of words. "I've been trying to tell you that. Now you see what I see." 

I see a free spirited child full of happiness and not just a beautiful girl on the outside.

1 comment:

  1. Momma Fargo:
    Sounds like you got the parenting gig nailed down well enough...excellent advice and guidelines.
    (in many ways, you sound a lot like my channeling them w/o me knowing?)

    And the way you spoke to Bug...fantastic.
    She could not have a better role model.
    (bet Bug IS a heart-breaker, too)

    Very good post.

    Stay safe down there.