Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Poo-hoohah-ology: Every Woman Should Know About Vitamin Side Effects

What are consumers supposed to believe about vitamins and supplements?

Have you ever had a lot of questions or found out on your own what is good and not so?

There is so much controversy out there. I asked my doctor and she said I should be getting most of my nutrients and vitamins from food. She suggested fresh foods. She didn't like the idea of pills and said most of them are 90% fillers. Makes sense to me.

So I have all these friends who take piles of vitamins and all I see is mostly fillers reminisce of horse pills I used to give Smoky, my Morgan beaut.

Yuck. Pooey. The horse pills, not Smoky. He is a perfect horse. Besides, choking down horse pills sounds like divine puking to me or a wedge intervention in the esophagus.

Let me explain.

One of my friends swears by fish oil and recommends Fisol. "Good for the heart", they say. Well, sure...if you want your va-jay-jay to smell like a tuna boat to China. Ew. Have you ever tried to walk with your legs closed so no one could smell that nasty tuna taco? It's difficult to maneuver and you look like Natasha, Boris's cohort (Rocky and Bullwinkle) whipping your legs together. If I want to walk like that, I will just wear an overly tight skirt and skip the vagina funk. Gah.

And those Summer's Eve sanitary wipes don't help either. You need colossal buckets of rubbing alcohol or Chlorox. This sometimes does not even work and you must resort to days of flushing it out of your system or eating garlic cloves to make excuses that your Aunt Birdie's lemon garlic fish feast was too much. They really need to put on the bottle: Makes your vagina smell like carp on a hot sunny day.

Can you imagine the detriment if us women lost the ability to use our smeller? Think about it. You would have to rely on your vision and sense of touch. No more sex with the lights out. Sorry, buddy...I have to check you out first...because I can't smell if you have funk in your junk.

How about green vitamin capsules, alfalfa, and all those green goodness types of supplements? Yep...it makes you excrete green turds of Ireland. It's quite amusing, really. I never noticed if it smells like fresh cut hay. I don't get that close. Besides, if I can't smell it at 4 feet, it's roses.

Don't mock me. All of you look at your poop. You can't help it.

I digress.

Superfruits? Oh so good for you today and tomorrow they are just an over-embellished raspberry. Make way for projectile explosions. This is a time when you want to start continual flushing in the public restrooms to evacuate the place and save everyone from horrendous odors. It's the organic form of Miralax.

How about probiotics? Yep. Regularity. These are not so bad. You can eat Mama's hot and spicy burritos with no side or after effects. In fact, I recommend you take two before a drunken night of cocktails and a ho down so you don't have the hangover sharts in front of the latest and greatest pickup dude who might be lying next to you in the morning. And they don't make them in gigantus size. I take them daily.

I have been using whey protein for years. It is actually a great benefit to my workouts because if I had to shove another steak down my throat, I might explode. And I love steak. Why not substitute it with a chalking flavored substance? Yeah. I have no idea why and how they came up with it as a steak substitute. Impostors. Faux steak. That's what they should call it and advertise it has a chalky after taste of grit with hints of fake chocolate or strawberry Quick. Yeck.

And when we get old, they will be handing those shakes to us in line at the old folk's home. It really sits there like a rock. No matter how many times I try to fool myself to think they are yummy, it just doesn't happen. I also mocked the man who tries to sell me a new brand which is supposed to have more protein, less filler, and taste like a French chocolate tort. I asked him while rolling my eyes, "Have you ever been to France?"

I really want to know who comes up with all these great health ideas? How much research went into them?  Why are so many gimmicks allowed? Do they really work?

I wonder what does the "taster person" look like behind the curtain and says..."oh yummy...people will love this." I can imagine they have a giant throat, an iron gut, and can shit Skittles into a target at 50 yards.

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