Tuesday, December 23, 2014

My Vagina Leaks

I am certain my daughter wants me to announce it to the whole world that she started "THE PERIOD". For so long, she had so many questions and wanted to know when she would start. I started at 14. She started at 14. I hope my reaction was not as ginormously extreme as hers. She screamed and cried. I literally woke up out of a sound sleep ready to pop a cap in someone's ass when I reached the hallway.

"I AM PEEING BLOOD!"

Much to my surprise, it was just Auntie Flow showing up. Good thing I didn't call the ambulance and neurosurgeon while getting on the horn to the trauma center. I explained it was not her peeing blood, but that her vagina was leaking. Perhaps it was not the appropriate response.

"MY VAGINA IS LEAKING!!???!! AM I GOING TO DIE!!???"

"No, honey, it is just your period."

"I DON'T LIKE IT!!!"

"Well, I'm sorry, you are going to have this problem for the next, ah, say 50 years or so."

"WHAT? NO! WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP IT!!!???!!"

She had been given pads and pantie liners to start with. She did not like the feeling of that, "diapers" and all, she said. I don't blame her.

"What do you do, Mom?"

"I use tampons."

"Oh, gross. How can you do that?"

"Oh, you get used to shoving things up there."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE MY MOTHER!!!!"

Perhaps, again, I should not parent my child from Pinterest meme suggestions. I never did claim to be Mother of the Year. After all, cops are pretty direct about things. It doesn't stop at home.

Soon, I found on the first day of MICROSCOPIC flow proportions she had gone through 10 pantie liners. Maybe there was a dot on each one. Not that I looked through all of them, mind you. That would be really gross. She told me about it and said she could not stand it and had to keep a constant clean one on and went over all her problems in great long detail splashed with teenager drama.

"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? THIS WON'T STOP?"

"Well, on the positive side, you are festive for Christmas."

"YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!!!"

Once again, I thought about that for a moment and said to myself, "Yup. Maybe I should choose better words." But who has time for that?

                                                                 Photo credit: Pinterest

The week progressed into greater disaster. The second day was worst than the first. I had told her perhaps she should try the ultra thin maxi pads and so she did. She first packed them in her backpack for school and dressed herself nicely in light colors.

"Honey, you should wear dark colors. I would wear black."

"But they don't advertise that on TV or in the magazines. The women are wearing white pants."

"Well, they are stupid, brainless, perfect models with no periods and are paid to look like that. Do you see their pads? No, you do not. Why? Because they aren't wearing any and if they had normal periods they would have leaks and stains. It's a trick. No one wears white. If you look around at the girls wearing white, you can guarantee they are not on their period."

"THAT'S GROSS, MOM."

"Well, go ask them next time. Tell me what they say. I bet they are not on their periods."

"GROSS, MOM! That is personal!"

Ok. So it was strange wardrobe advice, but better than the previous encounters with my motherhood. I went to work and had a productive day. Bug came home and the first thing she did was confront me about her period problems.

"MOM! I AM NOT WEARING THOSE PADS. IT IS LIKE WEARING A DIAPER. AND IT STICKS OUT PAST MY VAGINA. I LOOK LIKE I HAVE...LIKE I HAVE...A BIG FAT..."

"Woody?"

"NO, MOM! I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A PENIS AND A POOP IN MY PANTS."

Apparently, my daughter discovered what all women wanted to know...

"All be darned."

"What, Mom?"

"I had no idea boys put maxi pads in their pants. I always thought it was socks."

"MOM, YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! I NEED PANTIE LINERS. I AM NOT WEARING THESE PADS. I HAD TO TEAR THEM IN HALF AND IT IS GROSS. IT'S A WET DIAPER. I HAVE A PENIS ALL DAY. I LOOKED LIKE I POOPED MY PANTS! YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT STOP!"

(stomp, stomp)

THE CHILD exited to her room to pout about her new found enemy of THE GIRL.

I really couldn't blame her. I hate THE PERIOD, too.

I journeyed out to the DOLLAH GENTRAL to get her some pantie liners and more maxi pads, only the shorter ones. The whole time I was thinking to myself...should I tell her about cramps? Nah. Better not. I put some Midol in the basket with the pads, added some chocolate for her and called it good.

The look on the cashier's face was priceless. He smiled faintly while ringing it up. As he scanned the pads, I couldn't resist...

"I know what YOU do with those." I raised my eyebrow a little.

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

"Everyone could use some of those."

"Ha. Well, no thank you."

Well, maybe he was one of those who used socks.

3 comments:

  1. How did I miss you starting a new blog? This is priceless. Had a neighbor who was an officer at DFW. He had a girl go through security...in white pants...just as Aunt Flow arrived. She was mortified.

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  2. I would be mortified as well. Oiks.

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  3. OMG she is going to kill you in your sleep,, and get off with a hand slap. . You are nuts..

    The Queen

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