Friday, June 21, 2019

Snark and Circumstance

Nothing like 365 days or more to make a post! I bet some of you thought I had perished into the earth like a deteriorating pile of poo.

Well, I cannot comment.

However, you might be happy to know my Bug has graduated and is set to go the Navy. She took home so many honors and awards that it was overwhelming pride from all of us. I have been looking back at the Momster sagas with that kiddo and even though we had and still have our ups and downs, I am beaming with joy and pride.




That's a pretty good feeling when you send off your offspring to be on their own. Scary, too. Like a mama birdie praying her little ones learn how to fly and don't hit the branches below.

I realize that might be a wee bit morbid way of looking at it.

But, LIFE IS SCARY. At least looking outwardly for my little one. She is still a baby in my eyes. I am a little anxious as to what changes she will endure when she goes to boot camp and what she will be like upon return.

I can only pray for the best.

At least when she becomes a doctor, I can trust she will definitely choose to wing me around in a wheelchair before she ships me off, rather than deal with my whiny armchair quarterbacking. Literally.

I do not look forward to aging just yet. I still have to find the younger version of myself. The 50s have not been kind to me. It's like pulling a rip cord on an inflatable raft. What happened to metabolism? What happened to my knees.

It's true. I can no longer work that side job as it has taken too much out of me. All that kneeling and stuff. It's a good thing I am not Catholic either. I certainly would need a couple helpers to get up.

So, I have decided to put up my collection of fur stilettos and fuck me pumps up for sale on Ebay. Please bid high. I'm destitute.

Anyhoozle, plans to post more often are commencing. I am warning you in advance. Snark to continue.

Happy 1st Day of Summer!

Monday, June 11, 2018

Teenaged Madness

Sometimes I wonder what to make of people. There are glimpses of events which make me think we have lost our humanity and have become so desensitized that we may never come back. Then there is that one act of kindness.

The teenager fools me at times with these behaviors. There is that one glance of humanoid-ness and then ALIENS!

I believe they have come for her and will not return her to earth until she is about, say...25. That's about the number. I wonder if she will remember anything.

In the meantime, I predict 7 more years of suffering. I better brace myself. You never really know how strange or off your kiddo is until you describe them to someone else. They nod. So, it's a thing with all parents.

I mean, it is an awkward stage. They are too young to do the things they want to do and too old to do the other things they miss. Who can blame them for having their mind channeling mixed up?

Well,  I blame them. LOL. FIGURE IT OUT. Please and Thank You.

And another thing: they maintain a messy room. Why? In case someone breaks in, then they trip and can be dealt with accordingly instead of sneaking up on you. I guess I cannot blame her rationalization. Pretty brilliant.

Yet, it stinks. Literally. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Farmer Mentality


Lately, the spring cleaning fever has overcome me and Bug. We have been organizing closets and taking up arms against clutter. I look around. I have realized I have Farmer Mentality Syndrome.



Hayseed.

You know the disease....1) Symptoms of junk fever 2) Something might be useful someday 3) There's money in that thang 4) Its an antique 5) I might need that 6)I've been meaning to use that 7)It is too valuable to throw away 8) Its parts 9) It cost me money 10) It was given to me.



When you lose your security, you make everything last and keep something because it might have value or be useful in the future. It's similar to farmers who keep their broken down machinery in the bone yard. Then it gets covered with weeds, but "its still money" in the yard.

And I am still so so grateful for all I have in people and in things. Things are not what make us whole, right?

When I broke one of my grandmother's delicate cups from Germany which go to a set of china I had, I was bummed. Like hit me in the nuts, bummed. Only I don't have any nuts. Anymore. Not really. I never had any to begin with. It broke because I have too many dishes and one got pushed too close to it.

Now my set immediately went from 6 to 5. I rarely used it because it was fragile. It was mostly a keepsake to pass down. And pretty. I like pretty things.

Oh, I could have repaired it with glue, but who wants to drink from a leaky cup? And seriously? Sometimes it is time to say goodbye. That's when I realized I need to have a garage sale this summer and get some of this cleaned out. That way I can turn the bone yard into usable greenbacks. And if it fails, I need to donate it to Goodwill.

How do we accumulate so much in short order? Or did I just need to surround myself with junk..er...memories? Was it like comfort food?

Egads. Comfort junk.


I'm not a hoarder, but I have entirely too much nonsense.

I need to repair and paint the walls, rip out the carpet...etc. And so it begins...



I must do something about this farming problem.

Like.

Now.

Before the Zombie Apocalypse.

Wait.

Isn't junk good for that?

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The mOMziLLa Chronicles

And so the saga continues on the Bugmeister defying her mother's advice. This weekend we spent time in my friend's pool.

Here is the backdrop....85+ degrees all day. Very few clouds. Slight breeze here and there.

ME: Bug, put some sunscreen on before you get outside. You have to spray it on, then leave it for 15 minutes so it is waterproof. 

BUG: NO! I AM NOT PUTTING THAT CRAP ON BECAUSE I WON'T GET A TAN.

ME: Honey, we are going to be out here all day and you will burn. 




BUG: NO. I TOLD YOU TO GET TANNING LOTION!!!! YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!!!!

ME: Honey. You are lily white and tanning lotion is something you can't use. It's your first major exposure for all day fun in the sun.

BUG: DON'T TALK TO ME!!!

ME: I don't want to hear about it when you burn and hurt all over. 

[Teenzilla ignores the Momzilla]


FRIEND: Well, you told her. 

ME: Yup. 

And so it goes that the Bugmeister burned so badly that it was 2nd, almost 3rd degree.

FRIEND: Oh my gosh. She is SO red.

ME: I know. 



BUG: IT ISN'T THAT BAD! I WILL TAN AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL!

She hurt.

She threw up all night.

She was sick for two days.

BUG: Mom, I am never not going to listen to you again. Why was I so stupid?

ME: I know, right? I rest my case. Wait until tomorrow when you get oozy nasty blisters and peel. So gross. I am sure you just sealed your fate of getting skin cancer at a later age.

BUG: Mom, why am I so dumb?

ME: I blame your dad. 

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The Momster Chronicles

After watching Everest, my brother and I have concluded that those adventurers are frickin' nuts. Not that I didn't already think that, but it just concreted the notion. If I want to lose oxygen, I will hike the 14teeners in Colorado or climb the peaks of Wyoming. Add in freezing to death and days of feeling like a guppy out of water? No thanks. You could lose a nose, ears, hands, feet...or worse...your life. There is no way you would be beauty pageant material after that. How would I even get a date?

They leave your dumb ass up there too.

I don't really think they are dumb asses. I admire those who can achieve things I would never dream or desire to do. I will watch their victories from the comforts of my home and raise my glass to them when they conquer the mountain. "Here, here, you silly people!"



It's like a train wreck. You can't look away. Crazy assed people. Krakauer's Into Thin Air was the one I read and then watched first then it caused me to read more up on the expedition.

Good book. Read it.

During both movies, your heart tugs and pulls and you yell at the screen, "turn back! turn back!" as if you could save them. They are already dead. These movies are just memorializing their journey. I already knew the story behind the movies as I tend to eat up those articles and life histories when they become public.

And yet people still go up there. It's the same thing when the white people never leave the house when the ghosts appear. Duh.



Oh, I have friends and relatives of this nature. Yep. They're crazy as shit, God love them.

I think it is more of a challenge to dig myself out of my rut bound life. That shit should win some type of big honor. I suppose if someone made a movie out of it, it would be a B rated one with poor dubbing.

The language used might Trump it out of the theaters. Cruz on down to Netflix and rent that shit. I'm like a block of rough wood who needs lots of Sanders. Of course, if you go too far, you might Rubio out all that glorious grain and send me down the Hillary with the other firewood.

I'm kind of punny today.

My daughter told me before we rented Everest, "Mom, let's pick a good movie to watch together."

"Ok. I said. How about Everest? Grandma said it was good."

"Yeah. That looks good."

After it was over she said, "Mom, you knew all those people were going to die, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"I can't believe you made me watch a sad movie where people froze."

"At least they didn't eat each other like Alive. Yet, another true story."

"Ew. Mom, you traumatize me."

"You can't use that word if you don't know how to spell it. Besides, maybe that will teach you to wear your coat to school."

"Mom, that really has nothing to do with anything."

"Oh, I thought it was a good lesson."

"Mom, it teaches you not to go up to Mt. Everest and that even the greatest mountaineers have sacrificed themselves. And that going up there is dangerous and bad."

"Yeah. Don't do that,either. And if you do, wear your coat and don't tell your Mom."

"Mom, they were wearing coats."

Yep. Show my kid reality TV like Everest and Alive, you get accused of traumatizing your kid and you're going to hell. Let them watch Party Down South, The Bachelor, or Honey Boo Boo and you fit right in with generational moms. Well, fuck it. This is a new kind of mother.

Momster. I think I'm pretty cute.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Merry Christmas!

May the magic and joy of Christmas peace embrace you and yours....


Thursday, September 24, 2015

Jeremiah Was A Bully Frog

It's really hard to gauge which hardships in life shape us in a positive or negative direction. Did I get bullied? Sure. Did I bully people? Sure. I remember some of the incidents so I guess they stay with you in that respect. However, I think all of the events made me stronger or learned me a lesson.



Never in those dark moments or despair did I think life was over or become disconnected. I had a strong family structure and after short periods of time, those issues dissolved. Sometimes I changed my behavior because of them and sometimes I took it in stride. Many times I had my feelings hurt. But I got over it. And when I was the bully, I think I felt bursts of power or accomplishment that I squashed something or someone. That is unfortunate. People suck sometimes, but we are human and to be human is to err.

It's different through the looking glass as an adult. If your child is the brunt of the words, it really hits you in right the feelers.

This week has been difficult.

My relationship with my daughter in the teenager stage is a struggle. I am taming the beast inside me when she pushes my buttons by gritting my teeth and breathing big gulps of air before my ninja reflex skills send her to the next planet. It's really the first urge to curb back talking and sass. At least it's my first urge. It is my hot button.

Despite all that, she is a really good kid. She works hard in school and sports. She just sasses the mother which creates THE MOMSTER. It happens. I hate the conflict. NOT because I don't like conflict...but because teenagers should be respectful and when naught...I get fuming pissed. I don't like myself like that.

But...what's worse?

When your kid gets bullied and it hurts your heart. Like hits you right...there.



This week two incidents happened at school. She sat next to a girl in the cafeteria with her lunch and the girl and her friends left the table to sit elsewhere. Then, in the gym, she sat next to one of her friends and a group of girls left. Her friend told her they didn't like her because she is pretty and dresses nice. Well poop shit. How do you answer that?

My cute Bug


I told her she couldn't make people like her. I told her to be kind. I said she is beautiful and they are jealous. Wait until they meet THE MOMSTER. Not really. It just is my first instinct...protect your young. But I will not interfere in this one and let my daughter sort it out.

Bitches. Girls are mean.