Friday, November 18, 2016

The Black and The Blue

Whew.


Last night was heavy.

When I came home, Bug sat next to me on the couch. We have been having some moments of glory and then the NOT SO. The not so makes my head spin around and the Madea came out.

So in order for this to all make sense ( to me and the voices in my head) I have to rewind to yesterday...

Yesterday we had a conversation at work and my friend told me everything Bug is doing is normal and this will all work out...parenting is not black and white. Well, I responded as best you could expect and I said, "No shit. Parenting is all about the black and the blue." You could imagine how well that went over. It went over about as well as a fart in church. And we started using the ghetto argument tactics. You know...where you talk and then talk louder over the other one and point fingers and tell the other one they don't know what they are talking about and yada yada. I was just doing it because I knew it gets under the skin and it is fun to razz my friend. Then the big boss poked his head in and said, "Yeah. Madea. We all parent that way. Hell to the no." Life is hard sometimes. You have to laugh your way through it.

But not on this day. She was frustrated with our viewpoints.

It was so much fun.



Anyway, we didn't solve world problems. Nor did we end up agreeing on parenting styles...but she is a great person and I enjoy her friendship. Now on the naughty side of me...so easy to play with my academic friends...whooeee...I love to jazz up the liberals who don't spank or discipline with the rod like the bible says  corporal punishment viewpoints or even in a strict way. But...they do make good foods for pot lucks.

See.

If the child bucks the system, the system bucks her off. That's the way I roll. And there are consequences. I do not hand out trophies and I do not give participation ribbons.

Kiss my what did you say?

Child...I gave you life. That is enough of a prize. Hallelujah!

Who me? Would I say that? Oh hell to the yes.




So...back to our couch visit... (no psychiatrist involved)....Bug poured her guts out to me and it broke my heart. She has been defiant and nasty to her mom because I have been gone a lot and it felt like when I was a cop. Her words. Do you know how that feels? Erg. Yeah. I felt like a big turd on shit mountain.

Yeah. That hit me in the guts.

But it doesn't mean she needs to act bad.

So I had to explain that while I am getting my Master's Degree it's going to be a little crazy like this but I made some concessions to help ease her mind. I am going to make more crock pot ideas in the mornings and have things other than pb and j, mac and cheese, fruit, and frozen Totinos pizza on hand. The fruit counteracts the processed, right? Ack.

She told me she really likes my cooking and likes to eat healthy...so OUT WITH THE OLD. I don't eat that processed food, so why should she. It is here I have failed. I also promised to have one night (at least) a week that we have our day to do something together. We do chat and share each night but it really is only an hour.  Then our day is done and we go to bed. That is not a lot of time.

It was a good cleanse of my daughter's heaviness and to see her sob was very hard and my heart broke. But it was good to get it out. And then we decided to torture the dogs and get selfies with them. They did not like it. Here is a sample of Oliver's torture.



Notice his look of "save me".
"Lady...come at me one more time with that phone camera."

And all settled down to "NORMAL" or what we call normal. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Confessions Of A Hot Mess Slacker Mom with Pictorials





Howdy, camo lovers!



I suppose you think I left this blog in the dust. Well, that is partly true, partly false. Making sensical? Nah. I just really didn't have anything outstanding to share and thus...no posts. Scary, quite frankly, that I would have nothing important or dramatic to say.

Bwaahahahaha!

Oh. Boy.

There is no use in catching you up to date because that would be a boring waste of my time and about 15 minutes off your life you couldn't get back.

I signed up for a Spartan race next summer. Why? Because I'm crazy. Another reason is because the price was sliced in super sale in order to generate some interest so I decided to try it out. It has been many years since I have competed in an obstacle course and now is the time to really get rolling.

Bug just got her learner's permit. I was proud she passed it and now we have to log hours. and they have to be parent approved, parent co piloted, and I had to sign for financial responsibility at the state BMV for anything she does while driving. Fuck Me In The Ass. I also had to sign sworn affidavits that I am the one who gets sued. Where's her father in all this? Oh...yeah. No where. In another state. Indiana is rigid for teen driving. I am not opposed to that. I think it is a pretty good plan. However, I am super NOT HAPPY about the privatization of driver's education. Holy balls! If I want her to do that it is $500 and the school does not sponsor it. It is a private company. But my insurance rates are literally going to be unaffordable without out. Yep, they have you by the balls.

All this teen driving and driver's education costs has me frazzled. I am pretty sure it is a government conspiracy to give parents heart attacks to keep the cardiologists in business, thus jacking up insurance rates to make everyone love Obamacare and keeping the government in business with all this regulation and fees.

Do I sound like those way left or right wing conspiracy theorists? Not yet? Maybe I should try harder.

As for me, I am still here working out trying to lose weight, going to grad school, trying to restore homes, working a full time job, being a slacker mom,and always a hot mess. Still single. Men just don't work out for me.It's sad really, because I really like sex. I really like to be active. I like all kinds of things and I am a generous person but I am too independent and strong willed and my own person. BUT I do like to be treated like a princess and a lady. It just isn't happening. I know how to pick 'em. I also have gotten stood up. Do you know how long that has been since that has happened? Like freshman year in college. And that guy was a dick so God was watching out for me. I seriously would consider women if I was attracted to them because they at least are on the same page, but alas, no sexual desires that direction. I'm just not gay.


I mean, who doesn't want to hang out with this hot mess?
I wear pigtails for Pete's Sake. 


My office manager got after me today for my attire. Literally. She ripped my ass for wearing clothes that are too sexy for the office lately. I was like fucking kidding me, right? This is what I wore today: grey on top with black pants and black shoes. I look like a freaking school marm. But it is colder than a witch's tit in this office so this is what I look like today.

I know. I look tired and old. It's part of my outfit. 



And this is what I wore last Friday because Friday we can wear jeans and dress like slobs. I chose to dress like a college student.
No camouflage. Rats. I will work on that.

Mostly, I wear shirts up to my neck and pants or a long skirt. It really isn't even exciting. NOR is it really fashionable. I wear fun things after work. So this all struck me as weird. One time I got quips for wearing cross necklaces and they came at me like..."you like a lot of crosses, I see." I work in international programs so it raises bells. I wear them proudly because it is what I am. I love Jesus. Fuck 'em. I know, God, I'm sorry. But in my defense it was to uphold my Christianity and religious freedom.

Last Tuesday, I wore this and even pulled the shirt up so my boob crack didn't show. I did not get one "talking to" that day:

Did not go to work with boob crack showing.
I pulled that shirt up higher and adjusted prior to work.



So this is a mystery. And I am beginning to think that I can't do anything right in her eyes. It really is hard sometimes for me to separate the things I think are just office culture and business versus personal attacks. But...guess what...I just blow it off. No sexual pun intended there. I do have some great bosses and they actually have complimented me on my suits and other attire by saying it is nice someone in the office has dressed for success. And I don't have to get down on my knees either. Whew. That creates a lot of jaw issues and complicated positions to get up from because at my age...things don't work as spry as they used even as soon as 5 years ago. 

So...in all honesty...I know the difference between class and trash. I will be shoulders back, head high, and tits up to work. And for all you snobby nosed personnel who think tasteful fashion is something you have to mock or put someone down for...shame on you. Just because you want to look like a frumpy dumpycus doesn't mean I have to nor does anyone else. Dress who you are and dress appropriately for work. That's the rules. 

Keep you nastiness to yourself. Don't be a nasty woman. Yes, pun there intended.




Friday, September 9, 2016

Girly Things And Mother Dings

Whooeee! It's dusty in here.

Sorry about that. All I can say is: LIFE.

Today's post is brought to you by the number 7, the color blue, and teenagers. But first, some advice for lovers.

1. You must kiss really good to make a girl wet her pants without touching there. Oh the kisses.
2. Create butterflies. Not in the laboratory or nature field of vegetation, but in a woman's soul.
3. Curse the day you can't have sex anymore and hope you don't give a shit by then.
4. Touching a woman's body the "right"way is indescribable. Even the best smut novels don't get it right.
5. Subtle hints and teases and plays before the final submerge are sometimes better than driving the submarine right in there...just sayin'.

The drapes^^^ do not match the carpet (below blip). I am forewarning you of that. Two different thoughts, but both having to do with interior design. And I must tell. Why? I have no idea but I am sure my mother will be calling me to tell me to take it down! Take it down! You can't tell the world about those things!

So...(fanning myself)...the Bug said some extraordinary things last night...about a present I received in the mail from a friend. It was the bomb!


My present! Very awesome!


BUG: That present you got in the mail looks like it belongs in the bedroom.

ME: What? 

BUG: It looks like a vibrator.

ME: Bite your tongue. You don't even know what that is, sister.

BUG: Yes, I do. It is a dildo. It's plastic.

ME: No. It isn't. 

BUG: Yes it is. And you have one. Kari told me. She told me you bought one at the passion party. 

ME: Kari exaggerates about things and should not tell children those stories. I am appalled. 

BUG: Well, I believe her. And it takes batteries I was told.

ME: WTF is she telling you this stuff and why were you even discussing it.


BUG: I don't remember. 

ME: Man, I am pissed.

BUG: So, it's true. And that is gross, Mom. I don't want to hear it buzzing in the night.

ME: I need to exercise safe words here. I am not comfortable with this conversation. 

BUG: What are safe words?

ME: Ugh. Never mind. Different forum. I am going to my safe place. (puts hands over ears)

BUG: Why do people like them?

ME: Gah! Enough! 

So as a mature adulting mother, I just ran out of the room. Why me, God?

Friday, July 29, 2016

Fantastic Visions

Last night, I took a time out to watch the Fantastic Four with Bug. I have tried to do it numerous times and get interrupted each time. Still, last night did not disappoint in that task. I didn't get to finish it again due to mommy and house things. Anyway...during the movie, I could not help but notice...

ME: You know when he is stretchy dude in the vent system I wonder how long his wee wee goes and if it gets tied up in his peanuts. Does it get bigger or just longer? When he is stretchy dude is it limp or erect? Adrenaline has to kick in or something. I mean he is dragging himself along that metal. That has to hurt. Is the metal cold or hot? And why isn't he wincing when his wee wee gets hung up on the corners and he is on the straightaway? Or across the grates?

BUG: Mom! You are gross! Who even thinks about stuff like that.

ME: Well, he's naked. I know I wouldn't want my hoohah to get all stretched out like that and I am sure no man in America would want to see it either. And no one wants a va-jay-jay capable of swallowing large animals or children. That is why the stretch hero is a dude. It's OK to grow a wee wee bigger but not a hoohah. How could you not think about it? Except you. You should not even be thinking about stuff like that.

BUG: I'm not, Mom. Be quiet!

ME: Well, if the metal was cold or hot it could make a difference in whether he has a shrinky dinky or a hot dog. 

BUG: I CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU ANYMORE!!!


Seriously. Watch the movie and tell me you didn't think the same things.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Harry Potter House Butt Crack Chronicles #847801

Last night I was nasty and hot from cutting trees and gardening so I quickly took a shower when I finished. I couldn't stand myself and I was pretty sure there were some prehistoric bugs in my hair.

Hi. I am so happy to see you!




There was a knock at the door. Bug answered.

Some time passed and she stomped upstairs:

BUG: Mom, someone is at the door.

ME: Well, go see who it is. It is probably Joe.

BUG: I don't like answering the door.

ME: Do it! I am naked. I will get dressed.

*stomp*stomp*stomp*

Pretty soon I hear the door open and close.

*stomp*stomp*stomp*

BUG: Mom, it's the cops!

ME: Let him in!

BUG: I don't know him. He is a stranger.

ME: It is Joe. He is here about the electricity.

*stomp*stomp*stomp* opens door

BUG: My mom is naked. Wait for her here. She will be down after her shower.

JOE: Ok.

So I enter in my sweats and wet up do. I dressed for the occasion.

ME: Sorry about the mess. Just pretend you are at a cranker's house of hoarding and chaos.

JOE: Oh no worries. It looks lived in.

ME: Ew. The dreaded statement we all don't want to hear..."lived in."

Joe giggled.

I swear I really don't keep a wreck of a house but try to be neat and tidy most times.

Joe got his invoice paid and left. Bug and I had a chat about not being so rude to the cops. She insisted they were strangers and could wait outside until an adult could deal with them. Ack! Where did I go wrong?

BUG: And another thing, Mom. When you were talking to Joe, you had one boob in and one boob out of your bra. I could see it through your shirt. And you didn't have panties because your sweats were in your butt crack. I am sure he saw all that.

I looked down. Sho nuff.

Fuck me in the ass. Gah!

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Can We Get Any More Random?

Bug is back from her Wyoming visitation and after a week of decompression and Momster moments, I think she has settled back down. It is always a tough time. I still can't get her to mow the grass without rude comments, threats, and bribery. I have failed. Back in the day (decades ago) when I was a kid and we walked up hill both ways to and from school, I just did things because I knew they were mine to do. My parents didn't have to scold me or bribe me. I did it out of respect because that is what you were supposed to do. That...and they could kill you.



Haha.

Yes. Parents actually had authority over kids and respect. Where did we go wrong?

Summer is sailing past me like a whistle fart. I can't get a grasp on anything. My writing sucks. My paid writing sucks even more badder. I can't finish two books I have started. Currently, I am mostly involved with working out, being a mom, keeping a clean house, and well...life.

Life gets in the way.

And bills. They keep coming and I don't want them anymore. I think I missed the right turn where I ran into a prince charming who would take care of me. My mom keeps telling me I am my own prince charming. She is a feminist. I really don't like that era of femiNazis. They can kiss my ass.

I want to be taken care of and treated like a princess like my dad said.



You other women can be self-sufficient. I don't like it anymore.

I need a little cheese to go with that whine. It is funny how I am the opposite of my mother. I like men. She does not. I like the companionship and well...sex is great! She does not.

Please, God, don't let me ever not like sex. Sex is awesome! Also, could I please get more of it. Please and thank you.

It's a problem at my age. Men can't keep up with me and I surely don't want to tangle with any young ones that can. I would have to put a garbage sack over their heads so I didn't feel like a pedophile and then once they started talking...duct tape. That then might make me a serial killer.



So...I say no to the cougar thingy.

Another reason why my sex drive is going through the roof more than normal is my workout load. If you increase exercise...you increase those sex doping thingies they call endorphins. I have no idea how we get dolphins in there. Some man probably named it that because how else would they refer to women's parts as tuna taco or the other fishy things. Ew. Gross.

I am seeing great progress in my workouts. Finally. Just in case you were wondering...to get an old lady back into shape takes an act of God. God gives me progress with an increased sex drive and no Dwayne Johnson to take care of the problem. Sigh.



Whew. It's getting hot in here. Speaking of heat...

Weather this summer has been all over the place. One day it is 93 with 54000% humidity and the next day I wake up to 55 with a high of 75. We have had little rain which means little tornado activity. Now...I'm not complaining about the lack of twisters, but the rain thingy is becoming pretty dire.

"They" say we are in a drought. Well, I have been in years of drought, baby, and rain once a week ain't no drought. This is not a real crisis, spoiled people of the near south. Can't you squeeze that condensation out of the air and water the crops?

I don't know. I still don't fit in around here although I am really trying. How many years does it take you to adjust to a new culture?

And if you think this post makes no sense, you should spend a whole day with me. I tell you. It's like I have teenager brain.



Can We Get Any More Random?

Bug is back from her Wyoming visitation and after a week of decompression and Momster moments, I think she has settled back down. It is always a tough time. I still can't get her to mow the grass without rude comments, threats, and bribery. I have failed. Back in the day (decades ago) when I was a kid and we walked up hill both ways to and from school, I just did things because I knew they were mine to do. My parents didn't have to scold me or bribe me. I did it out of respect because that is what you were supposed to do. That...and they could kill you.



Haha.

Yes. Parents actually had authority over kids and respect. Where did we go wrong?

Summer is sailing past me like a whistle fart. I can't get a grasp on anything. My writing sucks. My paid writing sucks even more badder. I can't finish two books I have started. Currently, I am mostly involved with working out, being a mom, keeping a clean house, and well...life.

Life gets in the way.

And bills. They keep coming and I don't want them anymore. I think I missed the right turn where I ran into a prince charming who would take care of me. My mom keeps telling me I am my own prince charming. She is a feminist. I really don't like that era of femiNazis. They can kiss my ass.

I want to be taken care of and treated like a princess like my dad said.



You other women can be self-sufficient. I don't like it anymore.

I need a little cheese to go with that whine. It is funny how I am the opposite of my mother. I like men. She does not. I like the companionship and well...sex is great! She does not.

Please, God, don't let me every not like sex. Sex is awesome! Also, could I please get more of it. Please and thank you.

It's a problem at my age. Men can't keep up with me and I surely don't want to tangle with any young ones that can. I would have to put a garbage sack over their heads so I didn't feel like a pedophile and then once they started talking...duct tape. That then might make me a serial killer.



So...I say no to the cougar thingy.

Another reason why my sex drive is going through the roof more than normal is my workout load. If you increase exercise...you increase those sex doping thingies they call endorphins. I have no idea how we get dolphins in there. Some man probably named it that because how else would they refer to women's parts as tuna taco or the other fishy things. Ew. Gross.

I am seeing great progress in my workouts. Finally. Just in case you were wondering...to get an old lady back into shape takes an act of God. God gives me progress with an increased sex drive and no Dwayne Johnson to take care of the problem. Sigh.



Whew. It's getting hot in here. Speaking of heat...

Weather this summer has been all over the place. One day it is 93 with 54000% humidity and the next day I wake up to 55 with a high of 75. We have had little rain which means little tornado activity. Now...I'm not complaining about the lack of twisters, but the rain thingy is becoming pretty dire.

"They" say we are in a drought. Well, I have been in years of drought, baby, and rain once a week ain't no drought. This is not a real crisis, spoiled people of the near south. Can't you squeeze that condensation out of the air and water the crops?

I don't know. I still don't fit in around here although I am really trying. How many years does it take you to adjust to a new culture?